Worst opening line of a novel

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andrew pack
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Having gone for 'dull' with an earlier entry, this one is in a different vein, by way of homage to the device that makes me want to throw books across the room (device much used by Kafka and Edgar Allen Poe - and if it can marr their work, it can certainly make mine awful) "It was nearly midnight when P______ arrived at the small town of P________, just outside the city of P__________; he had ridden hard to escape his enemy, the evil P__________ and P________ hoped that here, in the sanctuary of P_______ he would be able to find his friend P________ and choose between the two women he loved - P_______ and P________. " That annoys the hell out of me, so fingers crossed.
Roy Bateman
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Okay, let's see if any of these raises a chuckle - Hugo closed his eyes, every distinct muscle in his magnificently-toned body stiffening as he sensed her imminent return - the one, the only woman who could ever truly satisfy his inner craving, fill the aching void that grew ever more painful as he waited, with her husky whisper of "there you go, darlin', double egg, beans and chips." Arthur Crump wondered, as the sullen, resentful natives retreated to allow his colourful entourage past, why so many men - good, stouthearted Christian men - had willingly sacrificed themselves in previous doomed attempts to bring the word of God to this remote, benighted corner of British West Hartlepool. "Put them away, please.. " Count La Zonga twirled his magnificent waxed moustachios as he stepped unscathed from the blazing wreckage of his Sinclair C5 to gaze with undisguised contempt uopn the freshly revealed, petal-pink expanse of Lucy's abnormally generous bosom. "You dare.. " Zorg the tyrant spat as he rose ponderously from the Mighty Throne of State to enquire exactly why this quivering underling, this insignificant blob of putrefying intergalactic slime, should ask Zorg - Hereditary Guardian of the Crystal Scrolls and undisputed master of the fearsome martial art of Diddly-Squat - if he was going to stay in the chuffing bathroom all morning. Keep 'em coming, folks. And let's not take it too seriously, eh?
Sue
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"Mummy, Juanita's picking her nose and you'll never guess the size of the bogey she's just eaten!" Football means more to me than anything. Great Britain's exportation of manure at the beginning of the 1950s was turning into a sizeable industry, with a calculated turnover in excess of that generally attributed to animal feed and Roger Smith was the man responsible for this admirable expansion.
Plato Pimp
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London, capital of Great Britain, where dreams could turn to custard. We meet our hero as he is combing his cat.
Norma Stitts
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"Janet, see Spot run," said John, "I put him in on linen instead of on wool."
Jamie Cameron
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The rain beat down incessantly on the tin roof creating a rapid tattoo not entirely unlike the sounds inside Mr Chesapeake's brain as the thoughts of his dilemma swirled around like a child's paper ship disappearing in a swirl between the bars of a rain-swollen drain.
Sue
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"Urk!" said Sidonie, vomiting a stream of saag gosht into the sleeve of her chinchilla coat as Gervaise was parking the Beemer outside Annabels, "I do hope...urk!...the Mainwaring-Mainwarings are there tonight...urk!...darling!"
Dangle
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The card lay blank before him. Cheese, CD, voucher, socks, tie, picture frame, wine. What had Auntie Daisie given him? Years later, as Colonel Aureliano Buendia recalled that distant afternoon when his father first discovered he had lice. (sorry to GGM for that one) I likes the one with the Camel & the CE's.
Dangle
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pants... correction on the second one - Years later, as Colonel Aureliano Buendia faced the firing squad, he recalled that distant afternoon when his father first discovered he had lice. I'm at work and got disturbed while typing... Anyway work inspired this one.. Marc was a Cyberspace Pioneer. He had no real friends and no hobbies outside of that dindgy room which housed his precious i-MAC. All he had was money, time and 10GBs of free publishing space.....
andrew pack
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Shameless attempt to influence Emily.... "Johns' potatoes' really were some of the biggest the villagers' had ever seen, and his tomatoe's too were wonderful, his leek's and his parsnip's were not so promising - its' a shame that he hadnt borrowed Jameseses watering can, which had done wonders for Jamesess marrow's. " Can I hear grinding teeth, all the way from London village ?
Taj Hayer
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"I wonder", thought Martha as she snapped the neck of a CIA operative between her thighs, "if Mrs Jones will be making her famous jam roly-poly for the village fete".
stormy_petrel
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Fluffytail Rabbit's life flashed before him as he sat mesmerised by the onrushing lights, wondering if his previous life as an estate agent had any bearing whatsoever on his current incarnation - then, too late, he remembered....
stormy_petrel
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PS my favourites to date are by Ed and Curua - too funny
j
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This isn't a competition entry, just a variation on a theme. Best opening line to the worst ever novel? " riverrun past Eve and Adam's, from swerve of shore to bend of bay ....." from James Joyce' Finnegan's Wake Lush, but he should have stopped right there. So, sue me!
Andrea
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Where the hell did you get that one from? I just cracked up...
stormy_petrel
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Bearing in mind a winner was supposed to have been chosen 11 days ago ....... any chance of letting us know who it was before I grow much older Emily? If you deduct all MYB's entries and the ones that failed the 'one sentence' rule ... Muzzy and his "Dave" entry must be one of the favourites. As the waves crashed thunderously to the shore Sharon grasped Del's shirt tightly to her bust, staring into his eyes with lust - demanding more - but she would be unrequieted...... Del had to get back and fill his census form in.
Andrea
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Ooops, sorry, Last message was supposed to be a reply to Taj Hayer's remarkable effort...
Taj Hayer
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I got it from my own twisted imagination; it's a kind of cross between the Archers and James Bond. I think I'll call it "Marrows are Forever" or "Shropshire Never Dies". Can you think of a good title for this prospective novel?
andrew pack
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It had been just over four years that Edward had been in his coma, his family visiting him every day, looking after him and tending to him, hoping for a blink, a twitch, a flicker; it was something of a surprise when he sat bolt upright in front of them all, looked in a mirror and said tetchily, "Who's been putting bloody mousse in my hair?" Sebastian awoke when the virgin cracked him over the head with a can of Maximum Hold hairspray, he blushed as he realised that he had fallen asleep while drinking her blood, teeth still in her neck, - this narcolepsy was a curse for a vampire and as soon as his letters persuaded his local GP to open a night-clinic, he would resolve this and become the scourge of the land again.
andrea
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Taj, Hmmm, titles are always such a problem, aren't they...:-) How about: Dicing With Dales or Never Say Weather Again, or even (my particular favourite, being a Dylan fan) A Simple Twist Of Fete
Taj Hayer
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"For Your Bakewell Pies Only". Euughh! I'm getting excruciatingly cheesy. Thanks for the suggestions, but I don't think I have enough bad puns to write such an awful novel. I'll stick to shorter, bad poetry.
Eric
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"Whether the entity is financially autonomous or financially dependent, many of the aspects to be considered are the same, both in analyzing past performance and in interpreting the projected impact of the proposed project as reflected in the income and expenditure statement." Egbert's witty aside came too soon to its rollicking conclusion as thunder echoed across the moors. It was a dark and stormy night, and so was he, she reflected dizzily: her very own dark and stormy knight of high finance. Clarinda's bosom heaved tempestuously under the taut silk of her black lingerie. To an observer, her warm brown eyes (in which one could lose oneself forever) would have appeared to have been offering Egbert the soul-warmth which his orphaned and benighted existence had heretofore lacked. Godfrey was such an observer, and he hated him - he hated Egbert with a passion, for he had stolen his love away...
Taj Hayer
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1."What's up Charlie?" typed Dirk (sensing vaguely that that missing comma would come back to haunt him). 2. "Oooerr Marster Jerrimmy there be's a fire dooon on tha' old farrum", cried the older, slightly singed Old Ragged Dick as he doffed a burning cap and his wife did a flaming curtsey to the mounted Mr Jeremy and the two Miss Evelines. 3. Sam Marlowe knew she was trouble the moment she entered the smoke-filled club; that walk, those shoes, those legs, that hair, that smooth voice as she order a pint of lager - that moustache.
KATHARIN HENSTOCK
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mY LAX CAT IS SO TAME AT READING VERY STUPID AND LAME i WISH I WAS MY CAT I'D BE A LAME LASS BUT I WOULD NOT HAVE TO GET OF MY ASS MY LAX CAT SO STUPID BUT TAME I THINK I'M DREAMING THE SAME OLD SMELLY LAX CAT FAME
stormy_petrel
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Hi, my name is Detective Chastity Bellte III and this tale would not even begin had it not been for that fateful day I joined the Utah Police, Third Honor Elite Division, Uniform Female Force on that warm day in May when even the butterflies laid back and enjoyed the sun.
Eamonn Feyer
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"Grill this poodle," said Dorothea, handing Dandy to the owner of the New Han Sin Po Restaurant, "and don't forget to remove his diamante collar first, last time I was picking bits of glass out of my teeth for days."
Emily Dubberley
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I'll be sending my dentist bill to you ;-)
Looli
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Her life was as messy as her underwear drawer. Still, it could have been worse - it could have been her shoe closet......
Muzzy
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Dave dug hard, slamming the spade in to the ground; and has he did so the hole got bigger.
richardw
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Captain Slaine sprung the gissom mast with a hearty swing to the port orifice, as in my direction, he ejaculated: "Arrhhh, ye be wantin' the scurviest brine-dog this side of hell's teeth! -0- rick
Eileen Dover
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Edwina encouraged Eddie's enterprising erotic endeavours endlessly, especially Eddie's exhausting endurance entertaining embittered earthworms, enraged earwigs, even exhibitionist electric eels!
Roy Bateman
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Seconds out, round two.. The rector stared with glazed, unbelieving eyes on the smouldering wreckage of the ancient rectory, the heat-blasted orchard, the rutted remains of the croquet lawn, and admitted that - despite his long experience in such matters - he'd never known a humble cucumber sandwich explode with such malevolent violence. "Good gracious, sir, you expect too much," dear sweet Stephanie breathed as she hastily slammed the door on yet another unsuitable client (one who'd come expecting services that only a woman of a certain class might provide) and asked herself if her recent advertisement in the "Times Educational Supplement", proclaiming that a young, stern French mistress was new in town and looking for naughty boys to discipline, might have been more carefully worded. Nearing the end of a long and fruitful life, Professor McGonagall - inventor of the "Everplay" automatic bagpipes and discoverer of the long-lost Spring of Irn-Bru - drifted into a wistful reverie and wondered why the adulation that had been so readily heaped upon lesser colleagues had always eluded him. Sir Hugo strode briskly along the drab, unheated halls, past the pathetic clusters of unscrubbed urchins quailing visibly under the pitiless gaze of their older tormentors, through dismal hovels where malnourished wretches huddled together for warmth in near-Dickensian squalor, and regretted ever putting his darling firstborn son down for Eton.
mark yelland-brown
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Thomas Crabb blinked twice and sneezed. It was Wednesday and he was still in the land of "Nib".
curua
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Martin clenched his teeth, took a deep breath and strained every muscle in his body; he had been trying to make his bowels move for half an hour now, and this time he wasn't taking no for an answer.
Taj Hayer
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1. You know, over the past few weeks, a hell of a lot of folks have been comming up to me an asking "Mr President what were you thinking?". So I thunked [sic] to myself "Hell, I best just write me one of them there books to explain my philosophilly [sic] and inspire others to let their wings take dream [sic!!?]". So here it is "George Dubya Bush: My thoughts on the world". [And that's all that's written in it. Boom boom! Who said subtle political satire was dead?] 2. Shield your eyes from the brilliance of my prose, kneel at my feet, marvel at how my book dwarfs your pathetic lives; yes... I'm talking to you, lowly scum
Doom in your Kitchen
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They scrubbed and scrubbed. Philip, bleeding on the duvet, had taken all the joy out of the afternoon. Melissa bit her lip in consternation and whistled `Dixie`. Only thirteen days until the end of the world and I still hadn't received my Sainsbury's reward card. It was Moira who had first introduced me to the joys of cat punching. That Tuesday we all met up behind Nigel Tompkins's Garden shed, armed only with leather bound Bibles and a committment to mayhem! "Another day, another smoked kipper!" . 12 years ago that had seemed funny, now it just left a bad taste in my mouth, that kept repeating on me. Saladin the Impeccable, Lord of Aliyla, King of Bashira and ownwer of a newsagent in South Shields, welcomes you to his son's Barmitzva!
Last Gasp
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"Fry it Freddy, it's stopped moving!".
Gloria Muckletit
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The sun rose and lit up the sky. The birds sang and a dog farted in a far off field. Spring had come to `Mucky Bottom`. Daisy Toddington hitched up her skirts and exposed her bare behind to the nervous curate, as he rode past on his bicycle' yes, Spring had come to `Mucky Bottom`!
andrew pack
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Re : Sue's entry. We have a WINNER ! Surely. Nobody can top that, and it actually got into print. Though most of the entries from Taj have been very good. As a side-bar, I have been enjoying this foray into writing for fun rather than serious exercise, and have posted a new Topic called Project, which the entrants to this may wish to have a go at. (Unless all of you are only doing it for the radio, but I think that unlikely)
Fiona Ritchie Walker
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"Surely this is the worst opening line for a novel," Monica muttered to herself. "What's that?" said Jack. "I'm writing an entry for the ABCtales competition," she replied. "I'll read it to you, see what you think." "Surely this is the worst opening line for a novel," Monica muttered to herself. "What's that?" said Jack. "I'm writing an entry for the ABCtales competition," she replied. "I'll read it to you, see what you think." "Surely this is the worst opening line for a novel," Monica muttered to herself. "What's that?" said Jack. "I'm writing an entry for the ABCtales competition," she replied. "I'll read it to you, see what you think." "Surely this is the worst opening line for a novel," Monica muttered to herself. "What's that?" said Jack. "I'm writing an entry for the ABCtales competition," she replied. "I'll read it to you, see what you think."

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