Could someone look over my story

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Could someone look over my story

I have a short story (actually a short story turned first chapter) that I really need advice on. It's called perfect playlist and the only advice I can get around here are from farm kids. I would like to know what you do and don't like about it.

just living
Anonymous's picture
please can you send me some erotic stories to my email directly if you can really i will be very greatfull i want to read short sexy sotries
emily yaffle
Anonymous's picture
Can you post up the title, or better yet, a link. Go to your story, and cut and paste the address bar from the browser. Then post it up here. Ideally, if you put < at the beginning and > at the end, it will highlight it red and clicking on it will take the would-be reader straight to the story.
thesnowman36
Anonymous's picture
I feel stupid, sorry for forgetting that. Thats the link and its called the perfect playlist.
emily yaffle
Anonymous's picture
Phew - kind of reminded me of Chuck Palahuik (who I like) - a really intense, almost tiring story to read - what Ellroy calls a shirt-changer, because you're reacting to it. I liked the character, I liked the idea of a would-be suicide suddenly fighting for his life, the sardonicism being replaced with a sense of real importance of life. I think the dialogue needs cleaning up (mostly shortening) - there's a tendency for people to give speeches. Keep it short and curt and I think it'll be better. The opening sequence is very good, loads of good observation in there, particularly the pause outside the room where the guidance counsellor is frantically flipping through the file to try to seem informed when he comes in. I'd now really like to see a story where a guidance counsellor or careers advisor is evil or fractured, or maybe a demon, and really just takes over a kid's life - moving on from that 'cool' counsellor schtick into someone really, really cool but actually dangerous. I think you could write that. Messed-up kid, fighting the system, wanting to be a rebel, finding out how rebellious it is really possible to be.
thesnowman36
Anonymous's picture
Thank you very much for the criticism, chuck palahniuk is one of my favorite authors as well. That story you read is actually the first chapter of a novel and there is more to do with Jude and other characters in the story. I knew something was off about the dialogue, I just needed someone to tell me. Thank you very much.
emily yaffle
Anonymous's picture
No problem Snowman, I enjoyed reading it. A good trick with dialogue is to act it - read the lines and carry out the action you're describing, imagining you are in the scene. If you feel stupid doing it, then the line is probably too long or too artificial. You ought to be able to read aloud any line of dialogue.
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