comments on my new poem Devil

Fri, 2007-04-27 12:40

#2

pumadelta

any comments welcome on my poem devil especially from Mark brown as he has commented before on my work.

Fri, 2007-04-27 12:57

#3

poetjude

Build me a tapestry of purple An aperture through the thin blue line Make each thread fasten secure As the harness in my first carry cot I like the first line. It's kind of enigmatic...makes me want to read on. 'Thin blue line' is that a TV drama? You need to be careful of accidental associations - like if you write 'mother's pride' in a poem, you have to realise most people will think of the bread. Not sure what this line's doing anyway. As the harness in my carrycot (don't think 'first' works since most babies only have one carry cot) Light my way with halogen lamps To compete against the Son Let each lamp glow like fire flies An ember burning bright The imagery is by no means bad here. I like halogen ...does it for me every time! But lamps, glow, embers, fireflies are a bit overused and it wears by the last line. Either try and come up with some more quirky imagery or at least drop the last line. Place a helmet of platinum upon my temple As to be ready for my throne Gird my body with morning stars and sepia To distinguish me from angles along the way SUGGESTION (it's only a suggestion!) a helmet of platinum upon my temple to make it ready for my throne morning stars and sepia gird my body distinguish me from angles along the way not sure what 'along the way' is trying to do. Angles/angels - is that a play on words or a typo? Bridge my feet with girders An estuary below the golden gate Make each cord blend melodically Like latte in my challis 'melodically' is a bit superflous - cords put together deliberately should be melodious. you could replace blend+melodically with harmonise. The last line here - suddenly I get a Starbucks cup appearing in my head amidst all this religious imagery of cups and gates and temples. Looks out of place. I think I know what you're trying to do. Bring an ordinariness (latte) into the religious image (chalice?) but it just doesn't work for me I'm afraid. May my food be manna and apples A sandwich from the gods' own hand I take pride in knowing this way Will lead me back to paradise again with sandwich, looks a bit strange. And your last two lines. I still can't quite see what the poem is trying to say or do.

Fri, 2007-04-27 15:34

#4

pumadelta

thanks for your comments Francis...youve given me alot to think about...Firstly I will defo give feed back on other writtings by yourself and others..however the critique may be a bit nieve as I am completely new to this but I will try my best. Going right to the end of the poem... "May my food be manna and apples A sandwich from the gods' own hand I take pride in knowing this way Will lead me back to paradise these lines may look well out of place and I think In a strange way it does promote a starbucks meal especially with the ref to latte in the previous line. I was trying to equate a happening with something all those years ago with something here and now. as for the last two lines..the devils cardinal sin was pride and the fall of adam and eve was in paradise, the garden of eden! still I will defo look at the who arragement and references and do a redraft.. the morning stars reference was about the devils name before he was thrown out of heaven.."the morning star." not that you made any comment directly about its usage. Light my way with halogen lamps To compete against the Son Let each lamp glow like fire flies An ember burning bright on these particular lines I think you are right it seem superflous to have the last line in consider it gone. and finally as for the carry cot, to be perfectly honest I was lost for words on that point defo needs looking at again. well thanks again francis and i will be looking at your work forthwith and giving my feeble comments.. hope you can bear with them. lastly, angle was a typo should be angel.