Insults...

och aye.. do insults have to be logical.. or just have the desired insulting effect.. I mean do you have needle dicks and do you @!#$ bugs? huh?huh?

now settle down Little Spider ... no need to show off just cos you are in the SP Naughty Corner ... write out a hundred times ... Tall Poets Are Better Than Short Ones ... (mostly) ...

Im 6 foot 2 and a half and suddenly brimming with confidence about my ability as a writer... thanks Fish

*pricks up ears*

yes spack? ... jolly good ... *wanders off humming Incy Wincy Spider*

*Makes clear to all and sundry, that he is miles away from Liana's ears* *concocts a potent venom for Miss Muffett*

*takes spiders ear comment to mean something pertaining to other dimensions*

*is lost*

*hides bugs*

*Grrls acting all coy twirling fans in their hands*

dweeb doofuss dunderhead poindexter ratbastard douchebag dingleberry *lotsa d words here* roundheels "hairy at the heel" matrassback

w*nk biscuit is my personal fave...and another one, which starts with the dreadful c-word (best word in the world!), and ends in burger...

cheeseburger?

From my Irish/Cockney childhood memories sh.itforbrains feckineejit cow-son gobsh*te Also loved Peter Cooks description of Jeremy Thorpe as a "self confessed player of the pink oboe". beef: w*nkbiscuit ? C---burger ? What is it with you and food ?

instead of us all slobbing around and eating off trays and watching whogivesafuck on tv tonight I remembered we owned a wok. A quick supermarket sweep later I had the necessary ingredients for a tasty stir fried stew of chicken with onions, garlic, celery, carrots, potato (note the lack of 'e') wedges, steamed broccoli and crusty french bread. Chuck in tomato (note the lack of 'e') puree and sundry condiments (bayleaf, salt, black pepper, tarragon, justyn) and we have the makings of a lovely family supper. I cleared the junk off the kitchen table and all four of us sat down for what, I hoped, would be a pleasent 30 mins of good food, cheap boxed wine and intelligent tv-less conversation. apart from the usual teen whinges of 'it's green, it must be poisonous' and the odd spot of surrepticious gravy flicking towards your sister/brother by way of extravagant wrist movements with dunked bread all was going fine until my wife, Chris, decided it would be a good time to practise speaking french. We progressed, albeit in a faltering style, from discussing the names and ages of our relatives to discussing vegetables and fruit. (I can see you are all rivetted.) After a momentary mix up between a banana and a pineapple - by me ... easily done I can assure you - Chris told 13 yr old that it was his turn: c'est a toi (pronounced 'say a twah') 13 yr old reply: 'don't call me a twat mum' speechless.

pleasent = pleasant (but with an e)

Me sitting at table putting make up on, husband passed his remark, "I't like painting a cart. Another one can't take you to Iland with me they would wonder what I was fetching off the boat. Love the Irish. Happy days...

Pusnuts Dribbledick and the old fave I first used 35 years ago, If I had a dog that looked like you I'd shave its a.rse and teach it to walk backwards.