What's your least impressive celebrity story?

My ex-sister in law went out with John Conteh, the boxer & the Scottish Guy from the bill lives near me & his children go to school with my son.

David Soul aka Hutch of Starsky and Hutch fame was in the same restaurant as me the other week. He was with a girl, much younger than him (oooo,arrrr missus) - and he had a salad for his mains and declined any dessert.

Oh yeah, I also went to the same Primary School as Frank Sinclair, who is now a defender with Leicester City (i believe). I stepped on his trainers accidentally in the playground and he ordered me to get on my knees and lick them clean. i was a 1st year. he was a 4th year. I refused and he was going to beat me up, but the other kids told him not to because of my skills as a goalkeeper. He finally agreed to spare me.

I see Mike Skinner from The Streets around Brixton all the time.

forgive me if I've told this before but my proudest achievement with celebs involveds a gents toilet. I hate Robbie Savage (Birmingham Footballer and all round arsebag). I can't help it he just winds me up with every step he takes on the pitch. Anywho, my mate James was in a nightclub in London and Robbie Savage was in the gents bog, everyone was asking for his autograph and my mate shouted across the crowded gents "Oi Robbie" everyone looks up at him and all is quiet, Savage asks "what?", James says, "Ian Watson thinks you're a TW4T!" and walks out, everyone whispering who this Ian Watson might be. Its me of course and it makes me feel all warm inside when I'm screamng at the screen that he knows how I feel.

Mark, you met Pop Will Eat Itself? I've got that beat. I once shagged a young brummie woman (a "black witch" no less, ahem) who had shagged someone in Pop Will Eat Itself. Absolutely true. In fact, I've got quite a few of these. Is this a common phenomenon, or am I freakishly alone in taking on the sloppy seconds of third-rate indie chancers. Gimmee Big Mac gimmee fries ta go!

Megacock strikes again!

Was in a panto in Ramsgate when I was eight as a munchkin, met Roy North who sat me on his knee and jigged me up and down, some curly guy called David something who used to be in Crossroads, Val Lehman or something from Cell Block H and the tall guy who used to present Motormouth... And was in a girl band when I was twelve, we supported Will Mellor AND OTT!!!! I know, close your mouths!

wow! beef actually IS an unimpressive celebrity!

Beef is a woman?

Oh and I once sit in front of Kevin Whately (off Morse) in an arts centre in Hemel Hempstead. He was with a lady I asumed to be his missus. Wore a crumpled leather jacket as I recall. He looked so desperate not to be spoken to that we didnt. And that David Soul. Good job his name wasn't Richard, or he'd be R. Soul.

I think I have enough stories about shoddy low-rent celebs to fill a book. But lets start right at the very bottom. I moved to London five years ago and found myself living in Deptford. That part of South East London is like a bucket for the lost-souls of has-been celebrities, a kind of panto Stella Street if you will. Karl Howman of Brushstrokes/Jif ad fame used the same Chinese takeaway as me in Greenwich. Matthew from Eastenders frequented the same couple of pubs. An ex-Children's BBC presenter shopped in Le Grande supermarket in Deptford High Street. Sany Toxtig [sp] was seen in Greenwich Burger King, mere metres from the policeman from 'Ello 'Ello. When I later moved down the road to Brockley, one of my neighbours had appeared as a wedding guest in Four Weddings And A Funeral, while the people in the flat above had been in the Bill. Perhaps my favourite recent eligible story is that Spider from Coronation Street turned up at my club night earlier this year. He also played Howard Devoto from the Buzzcocks/Magazine in 24 Hour Party People. I explained that our night was called Secondhand Daylight after the Magazine album. He didn't seem impressed.

I once had a steamy steamy relationship with one half of the unpopular beat combo Scarlett - whilst their song was in the top 10! I know. I know. I know. Could you be less impressed?

OOOOOOOO, steamy and unimpressive, that's a good 'un. It must have been like sleeping with Dave Lee Travis or Bruno Brookes when the song was on the radio. Did you ever, *you know*, while the song was playing on the radio? That would make the story so much better and less impressive

Norman Wisdom came to a local pottery when i was a child to smash a big piggy bank frull of pennies for charity. He looked very peevish, and didnt speak to anyone. I met Ernie Wise when I was on Kilroy once, he sat in the corner of the green room looking very defensive and anxious. Perhaps he was scared someone might come up to him and say "You werent the funny one when eric was alive, and youre no funnier even now" Sade came into a shop I was working in on Bond Street (calm yourself Skeeter) to buy two black dresses for her backing singers. I held out some earrings and said "I think these new carbon fibre hoops are brilliant". I wanted to say "Arent you FRECKLY!" but i opted the for the scintillating approach, as you can see.

You were on Kilroy? What was the discussion?

I got kicked out of the trisha show two years ago for complaining that it was all a rig up but less impressive was when i crossed the road at buckingham palace, a car had to slow down to let me cross and as it did i noticed it was princess diana in the driving seat and she gave me a big smile:)

I followed Jody Whatley (sp?) into an underwear store when I was nineteen. And I watched Dennis Miller -- wearing really ugly bright yellow shoes -- walk out of a door once. My mother got on an elevator with Ringo Starr in Harrod's, but that's just a vicarious celebrity encounter. I saw the actress who played Ginger on "Gilligan's Island" in a dinner theater play, and she talked to the people at my table. You know, this is kind of a depressing exercise.

Killroy Liana?! You don't half look like that bird from Kosheen. I was just telling a mate that the other day. Geoff Capes once told me to @!#$ Off at Crystal Palace athletics track. Mark. I too have seen Don Estelle in reduced circumstances. Kingsland shopping centre in Hackney. Very sad. Kilroy Liana?? Ralph

i once saw Bob Geldof in minor road rage. i've got David Essex's autograph. i'm related to Mel & Kim i look like Sade without freckles which of the above is a lie?

You're too young to know about David Essex. So that one.

WRONG!

I saw Ben the Boffin (computer games expert of The Big Breakfast when it started) in the Racing Page in Richmond one night. He was all pissed up and telling his mates that 'Chris was very different when I worked with him.' He left after a while and his two mates slagged him off and then they started to make arrangements to see their pot dealer. I asked if I could go with them and they said only if I knew all the words to Creep by Raidanoldhead. Which I didn't, so they went off without me. This made me feel very old. And I charged into Ian Hislop on Oxford Steet because I was late for work one morning. He looked at me as if I'd just crapped in his valise.

You've started something now................ It was an open-air coffee house in Syntagma Square, Athens. Henry Miller was wearing dark glasses and trying hard to look like any other tourist but I knew it was him all right. He was there every day and I’d been tipped by people who recognized him for sure. I even had a little opening gambit prepared. It was to be the direct approach again but this time there was to be no hesitation. I sauntered casually over and said, ‘Mr. Miller, I….’ ‘@!#$ off,’ he said. I wasn’t too upset by the rebuttal. I’d at least tried and he probably saved me the trouble of making a fool of myself, but it did cause me to question the effectiveness of the direct approach. Obviously merely wanting to meet certain famous people was not enough. One had to have an ulterior motive, a subtle raison, something with which to elevate oneself, as it were, above simple sycophancy. There had either to be a semblance of equal standing with the subject or else a pretext for the initial contact. Interviews were good for getting round the problem but that discovery was still some way in the future. Originally published in ‘Brushes with Greatness’, edited by, Russell Banks, Michael Ondaatje and David Young, Coach House Press, Toronto 1989.

I once met the brother of a member of Simple Minds. The brother is a drummer, and lives on an island where Simple Minds dude bought a cottage. I had my eye on that cottage for some time before he bought it, I though I might try and rent it, and he painted the front door yellow and made up the track with some proper gravel, and I drove past that cottage sometimes and tried to peer inside from the capsule of my car but there was never anyone in. The least impressive part of this tale is that I don't know the name of the Simple Minds geezer or even whether he was the drummer or what. His brother's name is Donnie.

who is Henry Miller?

In 1996 when we were in Liverpool to watch Italy vs Russia, we bumped into 'Katie'? from Brookside in John Lewis's, i screamed "Look there's Katie from Brookside," my two friends cringed, walked awayignoring me and pretended to be interested in golf sweaters. I also saw Peter Purvis swearing at a Computer show at Olympia "bloody Yank software," he said as his presentation went up the kyhber pass. And on the train to london we sat opposite the tall ugly bloke from Rentaghost.........Oh and i saw Matthew Parris giving some commuters a dirty on look on the london bound train from Nottingham.

I got my hair ruffled by Cameron Mitchell when I was a little girl. He played 'Uncle' Buck Cannon on 'The High Chaparral'.

Marchy i think you look like Sade with freckles, so that one is the porky.

HENRY MILLER AT DENNY'S O.K . So we are driving to Sacramento. The usual crew: Liz, Troy, Paula me and you. We stop at Denny's for something to eat. A shake, a bake and a bellyache. Troy tells me to look in the corner. I can't believe this. A man, old and cold, looms over his coffee cup and reads a paperback. I can't read the title, something by Bukowski or me maybe. I want to get closer. I want to inherit him. We decide that this man is without doubt Henry Miller. Troy has always had the opinion that Henry faked his own death, in a bold bid to regain some sense of solitude. It was all to do with useless students apparently. Troy even suspects that Henry may be working at Denny's as a cleaner. 'He's in-between shifts at the moment, buddy.' Troy drinks a hell of a lot of coffee these days. The old man slugs the last of his coffee, pays the bill. No tip much to Troy's delight. He walks right past us. We catch a glimpse of the paperback. 'How To Make A Million At The Track.' Troy becomes hysterical. 'Jesus Christ! Henry's playing the horses.' Outside in the parking lot we see the old man again. He stands still. His gaze fixed on the traffic. He turns around, laughs at me, punches the air and walks briskly across the fields. We continue our journey. Silence in the car for at least twenty minutes. Ralph

Henry Miller, as you can see, is not important. Forget you ever heard his name. You are NOT related to Mel 'n' Kim.

I once met Pop Will Eat Itself, the little missed eighties/nineties big shorted student beloved band. The thing is, I queued up for two hours for the privilege.

it's forgotten. funnily enough. how do YOU know?

Flashy, how old were you in 1996 that you were shouting at poor unsuspecting Z-list celebs? cos my recollection is that you are nearly ten years older than me and yet i was 22 in 1996. So does that mean at 32/3 years of age you were embarrassing your friends and a poor unsuspecting Z-list celebs? and possibly yourself.

Oooooooooh! Two consecutive posts less than five minutes apart. A serious breach of Genial Diss rules. Have you anything to say for yourself?

Well my claim to 'fame' is that I used to bounce on the trampolines at my local yoof club with Gail's ex from Corrie (the younger guys and gals will go What??? Who??? in unison) ye the one and only Brian Tilsley otherwise known as Chris Quentin otherwise known as the shortarsed gymnast from the Boro!!!!!!!!!!! He used to fancy me but the attraction wasn't mutual...honest..I fancied his mate Joy Jikamara....still do :)

erm...no. only that... that... well it's just that... it occurred to me a bit later (yes less than five minutes later) and also i was answering 2 different people so i thought a separation of the posts was maybe okay. (am i forgiven?) was also going to correct my mistake in 2nd post but thought you'd diss/hate me even effin more.

I once chatted to brian keenan (hostage) in a hampstead pub toilet drunkenly accosted eddie izzard at the fleadh sat next to jon moss (culture club drummer) at a birthday meal and served peter gabriel in a green grocers un bath when i was about 15 (1980) how unimpressed are you?

I was a gorgeous 33 year old bumpkin from the sticks, hollering at the top that i'd just seen Katie from Brookside and i tell you this i didn't care who heard me........then i thought could life any better than this, in a big city watching a footy match with a tv goddess barely 10 yards away, life was bliss..........but then of course along came Beyonce and my life changed once again. Btw You're either Sade without the freckles or Bob Geldof with them.

Excuse me, er, oh Saints preserve us... Flash. But are you, like, a man?

Very nearly.

Mart I am going to Bath in a couple of weeks. Apprantly Missi is having a bath in a couple of weeks. I have a myriad of Culture Club stories. Mikey Craig (bassist) runs our summer musical workshops here at the Bloomsbury for the disadvantaged children of Camden. I wont bore you with the rest of the stories because you all will want to shoot me (in the back of course). Ohh, I once got off with Siobion from Bannanrama at the WAG club in London (I was off my tits and so was she). ralph

yous two. you're just here to confuse. i'll be freckly Sade then if that's the way you want it. in my next life i can be Bog Getoff.

I once saw Alan Bates (Far from the Madiing Crowd, etc) at the Riverside Studios. He was p.issed as a fart and his 2 mates had to prop him up while he was mumbling incoherently. He's smaller than he looks on telly. Oddly enough, I saw Poirot there too (what's his name? sachet.) I don't think I've Brushed with Greatness other than that. Oh and Henry Miller, didn't he have a Big Band Sound in the 40's or 50's? And you can't be related to Mel and Kim, you're too intelligent. So that one.

Look. You haven't told us which one isn't true. And I'm going home in five minutes.

I saw Spider in the Oriental Buffet on Whitworth St, Manchester, where you can have all you can eat for about £5.50, with all the interior charm of a school canteen. Talking of Manchester star-spotting, when I lived in Chorlton I saw Badly Drawn Boy in a few of the pubs, like The Trevor, The Lead Station, and the Horse & Jockey. Apparently, he still "keeps it real" living there, though how living in an ubertrendy cluster of patio cafs long hi-jacked by graduates hanging round like a bad smell, refusing to piss off home, constitutes "keeping it real" is beyond me.

"i once saw Bob Geldof in minor road rage" He has never appeared in a play/film/documentarysitcom/musical/advert/drama etc... called minor road rage. this is the porky I win I win i win i win i win What do i win Marchy?

ok ok, you & Skeets are right. i once saw Liam Neeson in a theatre bar in Islington and his hair was very very greasy. David Suchet.

oops sorry Flashy i read yours after i wrote mine. but you lost. so guess you don't win anyfink. but i'll give you a kiss (puckers lips moves towards screen) anyway. that's in a sorry you lost kind of way. Happy now?

Right, I can go home now. Isn't Mark Brown good at starting threads? Snooch to the nooch everybody.