Worst Opening Lines (again)

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Mon, 2003-09-15 10:33

Tony_Cook-(unve...

Worst Opening Lines (again)

OK - so we've had it before - but here's this year's offerings!

Can you beat them? Or offer a second line to these?

These are the 10 winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton contest (run by the
English Dept. of San Jose State University), wherein one writes only the
first line of a bad novel. Bulwer-Lytton are of the "It was a dark and
stormy night..." fame.

10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in
the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it."

9) "Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens."

8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned,
unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for
competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied
description."

7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept
along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.'"

6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved."

5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from
eeking out a living at a local pet store."

4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins
often do."

3) "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the
corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."

2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."

AND THE WINNER IS...

1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the
greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window,
revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in
frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her,
disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You
lied!'"

Fri, 2003-09-19 16:42

jude

"Terminal Four at Heathrow airport had many shops. They sold everything from Anusol to Menthol cigarettes. Enraptured and overwhelmed with the vast array of choice, Jackie Finch from Maidstone in Kent purchsed 200 B & H and a bottle of smirnoff vodka" " "Hmm" mused the Bishop as he paused deep in thought to make the decision. So much lay in this one moment. Would he get his new Vauxhall Astra in Denim or Royal blue?" "In his usual melodious dulcet tones that rippled over the stage like a full blown river, "**** you and all your ****, then suck my ******* dick" said Eminem" "The Ten O clock News ended. "That was the Ten O Clock news" said Trevor McDonald

Fri, 2003-09-19 16:48

jude

btw, I'm sorry I missed this thread when it was going strong. I laughed out loud and hard and made everyone in the office stare at me. Nice one Tony

Mon, 2003-09-15 11:05

Ely Whitley

Dave awoke with a song in his heart and a tune bouncing around in his head. He would never parachute into HMV again! To say the sun was warm that day would be an understatement Old mrs Williams sat in the bush shelter like an unsuccesful but kindly prostitute

Mon, 2003-09-15 13:19

freda

'What time do you take breakfast Mr erm Left Eye MuthaFucka Squad?' Mr Pearson smiled nervously over the hotel counter at the new guest . [%sig%]

Mon, 2003-09-15 13:37

andrew pack

"Hello dear reader, I am Edwina Currie and this is indeed my true 50,000 word uncensored account of the nights of passion I spent with John Major." "Well, undaunted by the somewhat threadbare response to last years circular yuletide letter, I've decided to go one better this year with a circular novel to update all my friends, business aquaintances, reading group buddies and holidaymeets who exchanged numbers in Provence; we open with young Olivia steeling herself for the cello recital to end all cello recitals..." "As with all fruitfly, Drosphillia 'Alex' lived but one day, mated and then died; this is the story of that one day"

Mon, 2003-09-15 13:42

Tony Cook

Martin Cook only ever spoke the obvious and, as our hero, he will not deviate from this course.

Mon, 2003-09-15 15:39

freda

If Serena Crust, on that early January morning, had known of the momentous events which were about to unexpectedly unfold during the course of the day and dramatically uproot the essence of her very existence, she would have packed an extra pair of tights and thought twice about thawing out the chicken livers. And this book might never have been written. [%sig%]

Thu, 2003-09-18 14:07

pais

And Oh! was all that she could gasp. For now the bottomless pit yawned before her, the greasy pole at its burning centre surrounded by speakers blaring Gareth Gates' latest song. She would do anything to stay there on the jutting decking without a handrail and no chair, listening to her favourite pop star, but she was doomed to totter inexorably toward the ultimate edge of the horror that awaited. There would be glass spikes and barbed wire at the base of the pole, she knew it. Yet perhaps it would be worthwhile... dying in agony to the sound of the most angelic voice she had ever heard.

Mon, 2003-09-15 16:10

#10

Mark Brown

The bullet screamed silently through the perfect darkness, passing through the light of a streetlamp before burying itself in the surface of Boris Martov's face, which looked russian even though he was from Kent. There was total silence except for the scream of a woman wearing a purple lycra halter neck top and a short skirt made from denim, coupled with seamed silk stockings and kitten heeled mules with a red stitching detail, who was stood across the road, sheltering from the rain in the shadow of a neon sign, which buzzed like fifteen bluebottle trapped inside a small woman's kitchen and was three feet by two and powered from the mains. [%sig%]

Mon, 2003-09-15 16:49

#11

seftonb

The opening line to the long awaited return of a very weary Agatha Christie novel...... "The butler did it."

Tue, 2003-09-16 09:00

#12

andrew pack

From an undiscovered, Dickens novel :- "Thomas Average was a well-balanced individual, with no pronounced tendencies one way or the other, who had lived a happy life with a happy childhood. " From an out-of-time Shakespearean work "The Merry Wives of Monaco" "Fresh from the jet-ski, Stephanie towelled herself down and reached for the latest Hello, her scissors, scrapbook and the prit-stick, in that order."

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