Wedding Gift

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Mon, 2004-05-10 18:26

Wedding Gift

Felicity, Looked over your revised "Wedding Gift" story. This version is very good. I can't even tell what you fixed, which is a good sign, because I could find nothing in it that distracted me.

Your flow was good. Your characterisation of the father may be a little bit "cliche", his actions seemed a bit too predictable, perhaps he should be a bit more schitzophrenic or something, but otherwise it was engrosing to read.

Good work.

Mon, 2004-05-10 21:24

Felicity

Thanks Radio, I expand the character of the father a great deal in the wider context. Watch this space. This is really just a snapshot. I mainly corrected the punctuation and added a little more detail around the unwrapping and wrapping after Andrew's comments. Maybe I was a deep teenager, but I used to think about my friends' personalities quite a lot at 14 (which is about how old June is here) so I didn't change anything about her observation of Pam, Rachel, though I am still bearing in mind that this may be a bit deep for June so thanks for the thoughts on that matter.

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