Pilgrim's Tale

There's the germ of a nice idea there, but I think the choice of recent events where so many people died, simply to enable the writing of a quirky tale is in poor taste to be honest. I would be cautious in using such tragedies as the basis for a story if I were you. By way of example; the father of my God-daughter was actually killed in the World Trade Centre on September the Eleventh. Now reading your story didn't particularly upset me, because I'm aware that it's just a piece of writing, with no harm intended. But I daresay someone more easily upset than I, might not see it that way. There are some factual errors in your references to the events too, which don't help to paint the author in a sensitive light. Spelling Tiananmen Square incorrectly, and misunderstanding the demeanor of manic-depressive sufferers. These are just two examples of innacuracies in the story, there are others too. (M/D sufferers can actually be quite optomistic in the manic phases of their illness by the way). A bit of research on the internet could have corrected these errors - always check your sources! I thought the child's teddy bear reference for a plane crash was a very hackneyed image too incidentally. From a purely technical standpoint, the punctuation, or lack of it, makes it difficult to read. The simple addition of commas, where one naturally pauses whilst reading it, would do much to improve matters for example. As would starting the speech of the next person on the following line. A quick look at a decent paperback's layout will tell you all you need to know about that. Sorry to come in with so many negative comments, but they are intended to help you improve what, as I have said, is the germ of a good idea. I would be tempted to set it a few years in the past to avoid the possibility of upsetting a lot of people who may have connections with such recent events, as these could be potential buyers of your stuff! You can go back as far as 1968 (I think) if you want to keep Sympathy for the Devil in the ending. The ending incidentally had the bit I liked most of all in it. The, 'now he knew what he must do' bit, which had enough ambiguity in it to set the reader thinking. And that is always a good thing.

Thank you for taking the time to give such a wordy response, I appreciate that. I have to admit I was concerned about the subject matter and you have echoed what I thought before writing it. I would hate to cause offense to anyone. I am aware that my punctuation leaves much to be desired, this is an area I must brush up on. Thanks again. Most people pay to get such lengthy feedback!