Two new stories

You deserve the feedback Gary....you and Emma seem to be running this forum at times. I've printed off a copy and will report back tomorrow. I'm sure once Andrew sees this thread, he'll contribute too. Stu. [%sig%]

Hey, it's all down to Radio really, I'm just tagging along behind his zestful self, and he's got such a cool domain name, so I thought, what the hell. As for the story I posted, I know it should say a 'taut' story...but the edit is still stuck on the spike...there aren't any corkers like that in the story, I promise...

oh, and crikey, Radio, you don't half write at a pace, has it always been like this? Will read :-)

Em, I'm practicing my speed writing. Having nothing better to do helps also.

Radio, first off I've read your 'Justice of the Peace' story. This is a neat little idea, a sort of 'Ground Hog Day' of hangings. I am no expert on the style, as the furthest I've ever ventured into horror/ghost stuff is Edgar Allen Poe/Henry James (favourite being Turn of the Screw) and a couple of James Herberts when I was pubescent. However I could make a few comments on style I think. I thought the piece gathered pace and confidence about half-way through. I wasn't overly turned on by the opening, and there was a paragraph that seemed ill thought out: Above the doorway along the second story ran a continuous row of evenly spaced smaller barred windows; a symmetry of rounded openings evoking the sinister finality to the foreboding grey brick façade of the cold lifeless structure. I can see what you are driving at, but there's something wrong with this sentence. I thought the descriptions dragged a bit at the opening, even though I realise that the tedium is part of the trick. There are one or two howlers that spoil the read: gravely/gravelly, hallow/hollow and I think you use the word 'stood' too often. I would like more variety in the description of the wooden fixtures and fittings too. A more frequent use of the comma would do a lot for this piece. It has the potential to be a simple, compact and effective story with a bit of tidying up. I would have loved this as a teenager - who are you writing this for? It's the sort of story that I could see being used in a school English lesson to try to ignite a little interest in reluctant scholars. This is a complement, not an insult.

It did have that Poe / Lovecraft precision of language; not often you see a piece that has that sort of precision much these days. Though rumour has it that the Twenties are about to become very fashionable, literarily (?) speaking, Jerome K Jerome, and my personal favourite, G K Chesterton. That style is particularly effective for horror and I thought that the atmosphere of the house was built up very well. For me, the payoff wasn't quite sharp enough. A fairly simple thing would be to make the hanging more vivid, the smell of the black bag over the head, stray needles of straw poking into his cheeks, the weight of the coiled rope - I need the ending of the story to be vivid, claustrophobic even - think of how when you read the Poe story about the descending ceiling that you need to throw off the bedclothes because you feel like they are crushing you. (And in this country, Gillian is totally a girl's name - I know there's a history of cowboys with girl's names - cf Marion Wayne, Johnny Cash's a Boy named Sue, but it really didn't work for me here because I had to read far too damn close to be sure that the character was male)

Other hand - the expression here is one I've read in Neil Gaiman's work (A Game of You, I think), but Neil steals from everywhere, so I'm not surprised that it turns out to be a genuine thing. And I hear what you say about "Bowling for Columbine", but it is so not an exploitative film, or one setting out to make money. You don't make money in America by making a documentary, and certainly not one showing the links between the KKK and NRA. It is actually a very quiet, understated film which just shows how tough it is for a small community to come to terms with such dreadful events and how hard it is for the country as a whole to come to terms with the gun crime that has such a dreadful impact. I think Michael Moore gets a lot of stuff wrong, and sometimes he oversimplifies and bends statistics to make his point; but really with this film his heart is in the right place. I can understand Gary that you might not want to see the film because it would be too painful, but it is not in an sense a 'cash-in'. Other than that, it is hard to comment on it as a piece of writing, because it is so heartfelt. Your views on what you describe are clear without being polemic. (I would, I think end by making it clearer that you are talking about the wishing hand - that optimism and hope is what makes the piece worthwhile, and I would hate the casual reader to form entirely the reverse impression)

I nearly said something about Gillian too, but being a cosmopolitan kinda gal I thought, Gillian's fine by me... If we're going to point out the clash between American English and ours then the use of the word 'wood' was uncomfortable for me, where 'wooden' would have been better.

I can see what Andrew means by the precision of the language, but sometimes I think it's too tight, like you need to relax and let it flow more freely: 'The course (coarse ?) gravelly laugh emanating from beyond the window was not of humorous nature.' I’d also echo what you said to Emma about cutting back on some of the descriptive stuff. The second para has too much detail for me. I reckon you could get the eerie atmosphere tied down by using simple, sharp strokes. The build up is good though and I’d carry it through to a single room inside the building with a single window looking out onto the graveyard and gallows and perhaps lose the bailiff. That way you can hone all your descriptive talent on the one room, one man, one view. I enjoyed the Columbine piece, it’s the kind of thing that gets my creative juices flowing. That something can be happening in a small community that would carry such global interest whilst a hundred yards away life continues unaware (almost). Again I feel you are a little tight with the language; it’s a personal piece, relax and let the emotion come through. The second para. for instance seems too formal somehow and then you almost repeat it half-way through. Don’t hesitate to contribute, you have something really interesting to say about the other side of Columbine's kids.

Great feedback there guys & gals....I really appreciate your reading and your comments. Expecially, the "Poe" clone , Justice of the Peace. I agree with everything said. I started that story about 3 months ago and it was a totally different piece, I changed the idea about 3 times and it ended up being something way different from what I started with. always hated the opening paragraphs, but I had a photograph I was using for reference and the piece was a writing exercise in description, amongst other things so Emma's thought that it was a piece for a high school englinsh class was pretty close to the mark. I'm practicing for my book hehehehe... Now, the Gillian thing. Interesting you caught this, as I wanted the character to be abmiguous, it worked, even if it was ill conceived. The Columbine piece doesn't need any comment really, I wrote it on a whim and wanted to speak my mind and tell a little story at the same time. It was for the people in the story and they apprecieated it for what it was. I could care less about Michael Moore and his movies but it is a popular subject in these parts. Now on the subject of the "precision" of writing... The Poe thing is dead on. I'm a big Poe reader, and I love the precision of his words, even though I do not have the command of the language he did, and also remember, Poe did his work in the early 1800's when the written language was more formal. There is a writer here on ABCTales that has, what I consider the same command of the language and I'm jealous as hell. Faithless. I pointed out some of his work a week or two back, but I envy that ability and am trying desparetly to develop it. Thank you all very much, I need this feedback. I'm working on this damn book and this is my practice in learning to write horror. Horror is difficult to accomplish, probably one of the more difficult genre's to tackle in my opinion, that's why I'm doing it.

Faithless is, in my opinion, one of our most underrated writers.

Well, I fixed up that hang'n piece as suggested and reposted it. I think I'll leave it that way, time to move on to bigger and better things. Thanks everyone for the feedback.