The Wigtown News
Tue, 2005-02-08 21:37
#1
The Wigtown News
Hello and welcome to The Wigtown News.
The main news today is that a lifesize brass statue of this town's most favourite son was today unveiled.
It took three cranes to get it into place and there have already been many positive comments regarding that pigeons are having trouble getting purchase upon the shiny pate.
Also, several pensioners were today already benefiting from the shelter afforded by the overhanging belly of the statue.
Mrs. Perkiss of Lewd Drive, Wigtown said "I think it's marvellous how they have made him in such perfect detail even down to the boils on his neck. I think he may be mistaken for the real thing," the pensioner chuckled.
Elsewhere in Wigtown today the children of the Bloods and Crips Infant and Junior took part in the first public performance of Wigtown's new anthem. "Suck My Balls Fatso".
The lyric has been cobbled together from actual phrases used by the great man himself. Lyricist and longstanding admirer Ralph Dartford said today:
"It's the least I could do in gratitude for all those sandwiches!"
Lola Mumbo
**licks index finger**
**grooms eyebrow**
**smiles**
neil_the_auditor
"Renowned poet and short story writer with IT and audit experience seeks vacancy in the Manchester area. Respected national media organisation with substantial investment in Manchester preferred. Cherries and CV available on request."
* sits back and waits expectantly *
Ralph
Next week in your Soaraway Wigtown. 'How I beat the crack dealers of Watford with my self help tapes' by our glorious son himself.
The Wigtown News! Free with chips everywhere.
Karl Wiggins
Come on, Dartford, if you're determined to start having a go at me all over again, I'm game.
You insult my wife with your little sandwich jokes, I'll insult your mother, if that's what you want.
But first of all, tell me why this latest outburst today. What the fuck do you imagine I've done to you today?
Come on, dickhead, answer the question.
Stephen Gardiner
Did anyone see Shameless on the telly tonight? It's just finished.
It's about dysfunctional people who go round cussing and headbutting each other.
Just as well it's only telly and doesn't happen in real life.
flash
'Did anyone see Shameless on the telly tonight? It's just finished.
It's about dysfunctional people who go round cussing and headbutting each other.'
Oh i thought that was when Arsenal played Manchester United.
Ralph i thought you'd turned over a new leaf and was gonna a good boy, why have you changed again? Apologise to Karl... at once!!!
Ralph
I just joined in on the thread. In for a pound and all that.
'Dickhead', what a nostalgic word.
Ralph
Flash, stop teasing me. Hope you are well.
The Editor
We do apologise for the interruptions in service but hope you enjoyed the excerpt from "The Wiggies" the new reality TV series which aims to be Britain's answer to "The Osbournes"
To quote Will Self in this weekend's Observer
"The Wiggie himself has real echoes of Ozzie but with some added j'ne sais quoi. I really feel Ozzie would have turned out just like this if it weren't for his international success. I could just imagine him driving his old Mondeo cab just like The Wiggie. Of course without his success Ozzie would have been just as narrow minded and intolerant, just as sexist and insensitive, just as crass, just as sentimental. The Wiggie's posturing aggression is tempered with exactly the right kind of hollow bluster, rendering him the perfect icon of contemporary blokeishness which we have come to stand for since the advent of Blair and Iraq. The Wiggie is a hero for our times and makes me, for one, proud to be British."
mississippi
Ralph, I'm very disappointed, especially as I've been 'bigging' you up lately as a reformed character.
Oh well.
emily yaffle
Erm, I'm no Master-Detective, but the initial post wasn't from the server Ralph's reply was from. And the phrasing and style wasn't very Ralph at all. In fact, if I was trying to guess who it was, I'd be looking at that word 'chuckled' - I think that was very telling stylistically.
Be cross if you want, Karl, but I don't think it's Ralph to blame here.
megan
sorry me not in machester "south east mate"
Ralph
I have contributed to this but did not write the origanal post. George, last time we spoke you were saying that I was no fun anymore. Just trying to keep you happy.
mississippi
I didn't think the opener was down to you, Ralph, but as you and Karl had reached a truce of some description I think it is ill-judged of you to rock the boat by joining in. I'm sure you're more than capable of being 'fun' without jumping on that old band-wagon. It would be better for all concerned if you left Karl alone and had a pop at me, I don't mind people taking pot-shots at the terrorist, in fact I wish you all would.
jude
deja vu
something new please...move along folk...nothing to see here
Ralph
Indeed Jude.
Tony Cook
Well said. Now let's all play fair or we risk it all.
Traffic, by the way, is up 250% since the BBC piece - so let's show one and all what fine folk we are.
ely whitley
the BBC?!!!!!
oh my god... errrr....
*runs back and forth with hands out in front, shaking*
deep breaths...
*smooths hair, checks for presence of breath and clean undies*
you never said they were coming, I look a state! i've got no decent shoes and this lip gloss went down with the titanic!
ahem... *smiles cheesily*... good evening mister BB, how lovely of you to drop in, I was just making some scones would you care for one... err. not like a pet, of course, I mean would you like me to give you one... err! not like that of course! I mean not that you're not attractive or anything but I wasn't offering any... unless of course...
Megan
god !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
mississippi
You called?