Why of course I aspire to being skinnyalky Miss Pee Pee. Once an alky always an alky, even if I don't have a drink for the next twenty years. But I can get slim. The reason I'm overweight is 40 years of drinking. Oh and my liver will reduce in size. Oh I liked the Lenny Henry gag, you are GOOD!
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Single mother of three and proud member of the 'educated underclass' - i.e. two degrees and a smattering of other qualifications which are worth sweet f.a. Spent the last three years opening and closing the gates of hell each morning supply teaching in secondary schools, now happier to lie filthy in the cooler ashes of poverty whispering 'what now?' and listening to the strains of misery coming from friends who still teach for their sins.
I can't promise you I won't laugh. If it's funny I'll laugh. If there is a joke, I'll make it. However, I do understand from a rational standpoint mind you, that some people are worried about ejaculating in test tubes and saving it for later.
After graduating in Biological Sciences (I specialised in zoology) from King’s College London in 1997, I pursued a career in scientific publishing for six years, working on online and print products first at Elsevier Science and later on the innovative BioMed Central range of journals. BMC is a pioneer of the “freedom of information” ethos and it was really exciting to be involved in the project from the start. In 2004, I decided to take a break from science and have been working for FT.com – the internet arm of the Financial Times. My work in publishing has taken me all over the USA and Europe and kept me informed about progress at the cutting edge of modern developments in biological science and medicine.
In the summer of this year I will be leaving the commercial world altogether to work as a field instructor in Weymouth. I will be teaching ecology and biology to visiting students at the field centre. Being a scientist, studying the natural world has always left me feeling quite awe-struck. If I can pass on even the smallest amount of that sense of wonder to others, it will be a job well done.
And after my stint in Weymouth, well you all know my plans!
Ok. Hears how it was done at my last post.
We had what was known as 'the Men's Room'. Which was a small room, a bead, TV, appropriate vid's and mag's to suite the occasion.
'Very well payed' Volunteers who were taking part in any study, would first be tested for any substances present in blood, if clear would be directed to small room and asked to read 'the instruction manual'.
Instructions went something like this:
First. The need for absolute hygiene.
Places sterile glove on hand to be used in stimulation.
Hold member and small container at such and such an angle and begin gentle stimulation.
Avoid any contact between hand, head of member and product of stimulation. Etc.
You see. Easy when you know how.
Yep - I don't care that I'll be taking a huge salary cut - I love the outdoors, wading through the bushes in khaki shorts with my butterfly net, quadrating salt marshes and looking at creeping things under the microscope!
I set up Bob Roberts Security Services five years ago to help relieve the boredom of early retirement. I now employ between 10-12 chappies who patrol a number of sites in the Piddleminster area. Much of the day to day running I leave in the incapable hands of Pork-Ball Ken, my Duty Manager and Belinda, my administrator. Ken arrives at 5pm each evening in the company Ford Focus whereupon I give him enough money for fuel and fish n chips. He then rounds up the troops from Piddleminster's sprawling housing estate and keeps them all in check throughout the night while I snooze in my comfy chair. I pay well above the minimum wage (4.90 an hour) and each employee receives a generous Xmas box (they can choose: a ticket for a Villa home game of their choice or a four pack of Carlsberg).
Chin up, money for old rope!
Piddleminster's housing estate is a hot-bed of deprivation and intolerance, AG. This evening, in order to educate my employees against wasting their vote (for the local BNP candidate) I shall be touring my empire and imploring each and every one to vote Labour. The Reverend Pritchard will be in attendance to conduct evensong.
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