Alan and...
Tue, 2005-06-07 10:42
#1
Alan and...
It’s that time of year again. The BIG house spiders are back. Now, the only way I’ve figured to stop both me and the kids freaking out about them, is to name them all. It works really well, but you do have to be careful with the names. We’ve already called the two hanging around the fireplace, George and Mildred, but now I’ve got one in the loo and one in the study. I was thinking of Neville for the boy in the loo, but then I thought a Neville might be a little whiney, maybe, a little bad tempered. So, I settled on Alan. You can’t get freaked out by a spider called Alan. A spider called Alan would be the type to come round and put up a shelf. So, Alan is sorted – any ideas for his lady friend in the study? (Or boyfriend of course, this is Kemptown.)
[%sig%]
archergirl
*wrinkles nose in distaste at the thought...*
Liana
Alans can put up shelves? I'm not too sure about that. I'd say for a shelf putter upper, you need a Dave or a Pete. And if you've got a shelf putter uppers wife, you need a woman like Ann... Anns can bake cake and run up a pair of curtains in a trice (ho ho)
Flash
My name is Alan, and i can barely fix a plug. So it has to a Pete,Dave or maybe a Jim.
Smiley
As long as you don't get a Shelob :o)
Lou
Oh ok, fair enough - Alan's a no-no. As to Dave, I've got a bloke Dave and he's definately not the shelf-putting-up sort, so I think I'll go for Pete. Pete and Ann. Very dependable. (I reckon a Jim would be down the shed half the night with his outdoorsy mates leaving Ann waiting with a woodlouse in the web - they're like that, Jims).
[%sig%]
Lou
Pete's run off...
Lou
I don't know what to tell Ann.
[%sig%]
Flash
At least Jim would come back to her every night... yes sometimes very late ...and occasionally with a very cold fish supper, but he would come back.
kjheritage
I think for everything shelf related, you are very likely looking for a Reg or a Bob or at a push, a Doug.
As for naming spiders? Whatever happend to jumping around screaming and then squashing the little bastards? A spider in the loo - the horror of that situation is just too much to contemplate. Calling the thing 'Alan' will not stop it emerging in that whole 'scary unexpected spider way' that they have a strong prediliction for doing.
Flash
I was thinking Vic or Bert, but perhaps they're too old fashioned?
Kevin , Brian and Colin are definite no no's though.
Tony Cook
I like spiders. Put them on your hand and they tickle you. It's charming. Names - what on earth is wrong with Frank? Everyone should be called Frank. Even spiders. But then again, they probably are.
Liana
I just saw Ann legging it with a bottle of gin and a legfull of valium. Poor love.
Incidentally, I just accidentally squashed a spider while i was hanging out some clothes. Well if she will fall asleep on the washing line, what can she expect? I can't really take the blame.
R.I.P Peggy.
Hox
I think Kevin conjures up that long, gangly, spider look. Maybe Gladys?
[%sig%]
archergirl
Why not catch them in a glass, put a card over the top, and set Gladys, Rhys, Tom, Frank, and Ellen free in the garden? We even put Mike, who was -gigantic-, in a large glass and rehoused him near the shed, where he will no doubt reorganise the tools.
Maxwell Eddison
I found one of those millipedes or whatever in the bathroom the other night. They're cute. Spiders give me night chills. I itch in bed and daren't walk across the landing or down the stairs barefooted. naming spiders? Hmm..spontaneous ones might be "fuck!" or "aghyoubastard" or "JACKIE!!"
Lou
Well there's another house spider now – but he’s a wee bit smaller. Think we could convince Ann that this was her Pete? She’s so whacked out on gin and valium, it’ll probably take her a while to realise… * pictures scene from Sommersby, 'You are not my husband…' *
[%sig%]
Smiley
Or perhaps he's a Martin (GUERRE) and she will accept him as her husband until Gerry returns almost legless (one-leg) posing as Pete - saying he's been off on the WWWeb and demands Ann and his family back... :o)
neil_the_auditor
How about Charlotte? You'd feel bad about killing her then in case you destroyed all her poor little babies.