Feedback

Hi Amber. I read A Thousand Little Squares and thought I'd offer some feedback. I was intrigued by the stong image of a face being a 1000 coloured squares. I thought you could have made more of the fact that a pixilated face is a dehumanised face - which would offer a comforting protection to the narrator from her horrors. However, I wasn't sure where the image went - it seemed too disconnected to the events she describes later on. In general, I was confused by the motivation for the narrator's actions. You offer details of her father's butterfly collection, which sounds like it ought to be a motive, but again, it doesn't tie in with the 1000 squares idea. If the narrator was pulling legs off people and pinning them into giant cases, I could have seen the link to the butterfly collection! Also, the narrator still appears horrified at the thought of her father's collection - but if this is her rationale for murdering George then surely there would be more acceptance or even glorification of her father's treatment of the butterflies. In terms of the writing - I like the power which is present in most of the narration. This shows a good grasp of sentence composition and use of the right words in the right place. However, some of the earlier paragraphs seem pointless and disconnected - the story only really gets going when the narrator first mentions the victim. I feel that a lot of the stuff earlier than that could be condensed into one paragraph or removed altogether. There is a confusing muddle of tenses about half way through. Most of the story is past tense. Then - quite acceptibly in my opinion - it turns present tense when you get to "The Act." This is absolutely fine, and adds power to the paragraph. However, the present tense continues into the next paragraph, and then inconceivably returns to past tense at a stage where there is no obvious reason for it. When this change happens ("Nothing prepared") it jars for the reader. In my opinion, the present tense would have been great for just the one short paragraph. One last thing (and I apologise for being picky) - you twice spell the word "stared" as "starred". I think you should be commended on your writing style: it touches upon some of the things I try in my own writing: you try to really get into the mind of the narrator. But I find the power in this sort of writing - when it is successful - is in the unfolding of the tale; the gradual unpeeling of the narrator's history and motives - perhaps even one square at a time... I hope my scrawlings help - there is a lot of good in this story: it deserves to be reworked and shown off better.

It's no problem Amber. I enjoyed it. To be honest, the main character attracted me and scared me in equal measure - which takes some skill. You just need to keep in the forefront of your mind that the keys to this story are the narrator's thoughts and history - THAT is the story, rather than the events of the evening she describes - which themselves have a shock value, which is still okay. Just remember that everything the girl says or thinks should offer the reader a little more insite into this girl's psyche. When she mentions her dad, she needs to have an opinion about him. Does she love him or hate him? Or both? Is she horrified by his collection, or does she glory in the memory of it? Her opinions about that could then give clues to the reader about how she has ended up in the position she has. Bit by bit, her story is revealed, which will make this a really powerful story, I promise you. Well done so far!