Pope Idol

31 posts / 0 new

Topic locked

Wed, 2003-11-05 15:24

Pope Idol

In view of the fact that it is the great anti-Catholic fiesta tonight in Britain - it's Bonfire Night when we celebrate the abortion of the Guy Fawkes plot to blow up the Houses of Parliament.

This co-incides with the inevitably imminent demise of the current Pope.

It therefore occurs to me that, as a former television producer, it's time we put in a pitch for our latest reality TV show:

Pope Idol.

There are 135 Cardinals under the age of 80 who are eligible to vote for a new Pope - and the winner will be one of their number.

Therefore we will not have the early stages of the show where hopefuls queue around the block to 'give it a go' in front of the panel of four.

We are automatically down to our final 135.

But who are the judges? How will we hone down the numbers.

Suggestions so far for the panel: Bob Geldof, the gay Bishop, Yasser Arafat, Osama bin laden... add your names

And how does the elimination process proceed.

Remember some of the aspects of the process:

The new Pope must be inspected in the genital area by all the Cardinals there present in order to ascertain that he is really a man. This is because they once, many centuries ago, elected a woman by mistake - the infamous Pope Joan.

The white smoke will be released when a decision is made.

Popes like making sermons, issuing bulls, castigating those who use contraception, beatifying saints, kissing tarmac, having their ring kissed.

All of these should be involved in the process of elimination and there may well be other factors that we have not yet discovered.

This is an open brainstorm and we expect your imaginations to run wild.

On a daily basis we will monitor progress and develop our pitch which we will then put in to BBC2, Channels 4 and 5 - and publish their response.

I would just like to assure all our Catholic members that whilst this may be become extremely offensive to them, it is all in fun and is there to lampoon the process of modern television manufacture as well as the ancient rituals of an outdated Church. I trust that you will take it in the spirit in which it is intended.

Wed, 2003-11-05 15:47

david floyd

I suggest Ann Widdecombe for the panel. She is, after all, Britain's most prominent Catholic apart from Gerry Adams that is. Maybe we should have both. For the elimination process, I suggest all candidates are invited to sing a contemporary chart hit in latin, thereby proving that the Church is, contrary to popular opinion, extremely relevant in the modern world.

Wed, 2003-11-05 16:24

stephen_d

Just like to add that the outdated church you talk about does more for the homeless communitys in Britain than any other organisation so with this in mind i would like to add MR Cook to that list. All in good taste of course...

Wed, 2003-11-05 16:39

martin_t

i think ian paisley should be involved...

Wed, 2003-11-05 16:55

Goat biscuit Jnr

apparently they also do a lot for choir boys... Ann Widdecombe, Gerry Adams, Ian Paisley and a few choristers.... that's the panel sorted....

Wed, 2003-11-05 17:05

andrew pack

My dad told me when John Paul 2 was appointed that they knew who would be Pope because white smoke came out of his chimney when he was born. I was disappointed to learn that the Catholic Church hadn't actually ascribed their role of future leader to a toddler. My dad also variously believed that Freddie Mercury was straight and red-blooded, that the world is flat and that not only were the moon landings faked but that REM also believed that, and that was the true message of "Man on the Moon" - I still don't know whether he was serious. He was a very deadpan guy.

Wed, 2003-11-05 18:12

tan63

i'm a bit worried on two counts so far. Firstly i don't think the Cardinals are qualified to do the genital inspection on account of their innocence in that department. i nominate myself if that's okay. And secondly, the panel appears to be all-male (the token man-woman isn't fooling anyone with or without the bottle of peroxide)

Wed, 2003-11-05 19:35

mississippi

I wanna nominate Cardinal Sin, do you think he stands a chance?

Wed, 2003-11-05 20:51

justyn_thyme

I think the former Bishop of Boston is looking for a new job. Funny that a man named Law should have run so much afoul of...well...the law. In fact, there are plenty of Catholic priests in the US who would love to perform the aforementioned test, though it might be hard to drag them away.... the test could take longer than a Florida election recount.

Wed, 2003-11-05 23:16

#10

stormy

Well, Ian Paisley could be the nasty Nigel figure and call all contestants Fenian Bastards. "Let me tell YOU laddy" Gerry Adams - although he would later deny any involvement (never any white smoke without liar) Roy Keane. He would tell Paisley to feck off out of it. and Graham Norton, just for a touch of reality.

Thu, 2003-11-06 00:39

#11

Ely Whitley

i was lead to believe that a ceremony involving the passing of the new pope over the heads of the cardinals to check his tallywhacker for purity actually still goes on with each new pope.. or is that what you were saying?

Thu, 2003-11-06 11:18

#12

Tony Cook

It is! although I have not personally witnessed this event I believe that it still continues. Whatever, it's in our show and that's that. OK. We've got a fair idea of the panel. Now we need to sort out the elimination rounds. The panel will supervise these until we get down to the final ten when the public will be involved. What are the tests and how do we run them?

Thu, 2003-11-06 13:40

#13

stormy

one at a time the popees have to stand in front of the panel and mumble in Latin whilst making the sign of a cross with their hand. Any popee sounding distinct or messing up on the hand movement gets the boot.

Thu, 2003-11-06 14:10

#14

martin_t

i think a couple of rounds of cardinal puff puff will sort them out... i drink to the health of cardinal puff puff for the first time tonight....hic!! and may i just say, those cardinals are probably the only people who look camper than graham norton...

Thu, 2003-11-06 14:48

#15

andrew o'donnell

First of all, as safety procedure ..the entire population of Italy must be kept away from their toasters for at least the next two months (puts pack of Izzard jokes away) ..all low flying clouds will also be prosecuted. Just in case Noel Gallagher turns up, on holiday, and is accidentally made pope by some orphaned wisp of Cumulonimbi. Tom Paulin and Germaine Greer HAVE to be on the panel.. in fact, on any panel deserving the name 'panel' It wouldn't be a panel without them (Richard and Judy, Gnome Chomsky, Will Self, maybe?) I think the central theme of any elimination round must be in some way connected with lethargy and slowness. I'll, perhaps quite literally, be damned if the next popee turns out to be a closet cyclist or gymnast. It would also be quite handy, PR-wise, if the pope-to-be had an undiscovered love child of some description (although 'finding' an undiscovered love child might turn out to be quite tricky, I admit) I also suggest that the pope wannabe might also have some kind of merchandising scheme in the works (or at least should have TRIED to phone George Lucas) ..previous popes have not been too concerned with selling themselves (not to any registered multi-national anyway) and definitely think any apprentice pope should take this into consideration. I suppose they should have read The Bible as well.. or, if not, at least glanced through The Watchtower on occasion. [%sig%]

Thu, 2003-11-06 15:14

#16

martin_t

they already have the merchandiising sorted out, have you ever been to knock or lourdes? *flounces off wearing his tee-shirt * " my mum went to knock and all i got was this lousy tee-shirt"

Thu, 2003-11-06 16:16

#17

Stephen Gardiner

I suggest, as an elimination round, the candidates each be required to walk the full length of a gymnastic beam wearing high heels and a long purple frock, swinging a burning handbag, reciting the "Benny's got his dominoes" thing, juggling phone calls on a mobile between the Vatican bank and several Cayman Island account managers, all while being distracted by members of the Swiss Guard in their skin-tight leggings and choirboys in shorts performing forward rolls on the mats. He who records the fastest time shall win the round. In the event of a tie, the winners shall be asked to do it again, this time with a deranged person shooting over their heads with a starting pistol.

Thu, 2003-11-06 16:54

#18

DragLady

Umm, is this open to just the heterosexual non-participating Cardies or the homosexual/multi-sexual first team strikers as well?

Thu, 2003-11-06 17:05

#19

Tony Cook

All 135 are in ... so long as they are under the age of 80.

Thu, 2003-11-06 19:27

#20

stephen_d

Javier Stauring, a Catholic chaplin is one of only three being honoured at a human rights dinner in New York this weekend. Dont recall hearing anyone from the bbc being involved.

Thu, 2003-11-06 19:30

#21

stephen_d

I suppose if i started a thread calling jews homosexuals their would be an outcry.

Thu, 2003-11-06 19:36

#22

Mississippi

I'm sure there are some stephen, does it matter?

Thu, 2003-11-06 22:22

#23

martin_t

the head of the jewish faith in england is gay isn't he? can't remember his name tho, but like missi says, does it matter?

Fri, 2003-11-07 00:33

#24

Rabbi Burns

I don't want any Heblew jokes, thank you. [%sig%]

Fri, 2003-11-07 07:03

#25

andrew o'donnell

Musical chairs? In full pope regalia.. Winner gets The Vatican. [%sig%]

Fri, 2003-11-07 09:32

#26

martin_t

jonathan sachs ,that's the chappie

Fri, 2003-11-07 11:54

#27

andrew pack

As chance would have it, I happened to be reading Chesterton last night when I chanced upon the line "And there was of course, no Pope Joan" So I checked it out http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/08407a.htm And it seems that Pope Joan was a myth, which probably means Tony's genital inspection is a myth too.

Fri, 2003-11-07 11:56

#28

martin_t

but tony will still still insist on genital inspection....rude not to

Fri, 2003-11-07 15:16

#29

Mississippi

That's a nasty lisp you have there Andrew, it should be 'Pope Joan was a MISS'

Fri, 2003-11-07 16:58

#30

andrew pack

You're quite right, Mythithyppi!

Fri, 2003-11-07 17:08

#31

Mississippi

Now I KNOW you're kidding, I'm neither one or the other!

Topic locked