Continue the Christmas story...

'My word!' exclaimed Maxie, 'it's from Damon Albarn, but why?'

"It must be a choke...er..joke," she gibbered.

(Don't know exactly how one 'jokes' on ones turkey) However, Alex grimaced, 'Maxie, it might be from Damon Albarn but it's addressed to some plonker called 'Ralph'. That bloody Santa Claus has got the wrong house yet again!'

Shona looked down at the carpet almost ashamed. 'But I like Ralph, he is misunderstood, he lives in the village you know.'

Meanwhile, in Lapland, Santa had advertised for four dozen new elves...

And somewhere in the Midlands. Fish and Liana are completing there CVs.

Suddenly a thrush warbled.

Ralph in the village wants to apply as well, but his dyxlexia does not give him much of a chunce.

I have never suffered from thrush, Liana stated on her application letter as a means of perhaps being shortlisted against the other applicants that inclued the mercurial Stormy from god knows where.

Or was it a coot?

Ralph fills in his application form. 'Name' .... Ralph Dratford 'Occupation' .... Bum liquor to famus peeple. 'Adress' .... Woolworthstow viilige 'Describe yourself' .... I am a hunt ........................blah blah blah

'I once saw Blur play live. Damon has a smashing bum' piped up Shona with her finger in her ear.

A bell rang in a small village in Fife...

Of was it Forfar....

It could have ben Toofar....

gMissi wa about to say Toothfairy but a passinf Thrush shat on him...

Inside was a hardback book , completely empty. 'Blank verse! ' said Mam, 'always good for darning socks wiv'. [%sig%]

And, in the street outside the house, the masses dutifully made their way to work just like any other day, studiously ignoring the roadkill that lay at the side of the road like so much dead turkey. Elves were ten a penny after all, and if one had happened to get to close to a car the night before then so what - there were plenty more where he came from. The presents would still all arrive on time and on the plus side Santa now had one less mouth to feed. The motorists looked the other way as a schoolboy stole the Elf's hat, and the world moved on.

Little did the schoolboy know that inside the hat, a little of the squashed - and vengeful - elf's magic was still at work. Walking through the school gates, he pulled it onto his head, and...

...right down until it covered his unruly dreads. He felt a firm hand upon his shoulder: "Herman!" Herman shuddered, his mind full of spiders and bats. What did Mr. Baxter want now?