Red Nose Poems

Here lies John Bunn who was killed by a gun his name wasn't Bunn but Wood but Wood wouldn't rhyme with gun but Bunn would Spike Milligan (do not read to those convicted of gun crimes)

Adventures Of Isabel Ogden Nash Isabel met an enormous bear, Isabel, Isabel, didn't care; The bear was hungry, the bear was ravenous, The bear's big mouth was cruel and cavernous. The bear said, Isabel, glad to meet you, How do, Isabel, now I'll eat you! Isabel, Isabel, didn't worry. Isabel didn't scream or scurry. She washed her hands and she straightened her hair up, Then Isabel quietly ate the bear up. Once in a night as black as pitch Isabel met a wicked old witch. the witch's face was cross and wrinkled, The witch's gums with teeth were sprinkled. Ho, ho, Isabel! the old witch crowed, I'll turn you into an ugly toad! Isabel, Isabel, didn't worry, Isabel didn't scream or scurry, She showed no rage and she showed no rancor, But she turned the witch into milk and drank her. Isabel met a hideous giant, Isabel continued self reliant. The giant was hairy, the giant was horrid, He had one eye in the middle of his forhead. Good morning, Isabel, the giant said, I'll grind your bones to make my bread. Isabel, Isabel, didn't worry, Isabel didn't scream or scurry. She nibled the zwieback that she always fed off, And when it was gone, she cut the giant's head off. Isabel met a troublesome doctor, He punched and he poked till he really shocked her. The doctor's talk was of coughs and chills And the doctor's satchel bulged with pills. The doctor said unto Isabel, Swallow this, it will make you well. Isabel, Isabel, didn't worry, Isabel didn't scream or scurry. She took those pills from the pill concocter, And Isabel calmly cured the doctor.

ooo thank you ... i dont think i will stick that one up tho lisa ... i work in a prison where almost all the inmates are murderers ... hahahahah ... i love spike milligan tho ... So Fair is She So fair is she! So fair her face So fair her pulsing figure Not so fair The maniacal stare Of a husband who's much bigger. Spike Milligan

Ooops- you better hadn't then! Here's one I love - short but sweet: Timekeeping Late home for supper, He mustn't seem drunk. 'The pob cluck', he begins, And knows he is sunk. Wendy Cope and A Word to Husbands To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up. Ogden Nash

No comebacks on this one please BUT this is one from a section called 'Inside the Male Mind'! Women All Cause Rue women all cause rue but can be nice on occasional moments two to be precise in bed & dead Tony Harrison

I Met A Genius I met a genius on the train today about 6 years old, he sat beside me and as the train ran down along the coast we came to the ocean and then he looked at me and said, it's not pretty. it was the first time I'd realized that. Charles Bukowski

He was a poet But didn't know it. anon

My fish loved me. I could tell by the swish of tail and bubbles made, just for me. One day he upped, and left me dry Tears spent I did cry And yet, He did make a good fry.

Appropriate, perhaps? (oops?, sounded like jasper? there?) SURVIVOR Everyday I think about dying. About disease, starvation, violence, terrorism, war, the end of the world. It helps keep my mind off things. - Roger McGough

(can't remember any of the authors or most of the titles - I'll look them up tonight) Missing Punctuation caeser entered on his head a helmet on each foot a sandal in his hand he had his trusty sword to boot --- if you should meet a crockodile don't take a stick and poke him ignore the welcome in his smile don't even think to poke him for as he floats upon the nile the thinner he gets, the thinner and when'er you meet a crockodile he's ready for his dinner --- an accident happened to my brother Jim someone threw a tomato at him tomatos are juicy and don't bruise the skin but this one was specially wrapped in a tin

God, I don't know any funny poems. I am worried what this says about me (and shall go on search)

My mummy bought me an Armadillo I kissed him and put him under my pillow and cleaned him with a brillo pad John Hegley Also, In Amsterdam I saw A tram by the same

thanks all of you ... will def use some of these ... and this which is one of my favourite poems ever and bears lots of readings ... Symptom Recital I do not like my state of mind; I'm bitter, querulous, unkind. I hate my legs, I hate my hands, I do not yearn for lovelier lands. I dread the dawn's recurrent light; I hate to go to bed at night. I snoot at simple, earnest folk. I cannot take the gentlest joke. I find no peace in paint or type. My world is but a lot of tripe. I'm disillusioned, empty-breasted. For what I think, I'd be arrested. I am not sick, I am not well. My quondam dreams are shot to hell. My soul is crushed, my spirit sore; I do not like me any more. I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse. I ponder on the narrow house. I shudder at the thought of men.... I'm due to fall in love again. Dorothy Parker

Ahhh, Dotty P, how I love thee

Oh, Dorothy Parker! Love her... when I was a student I used to get my (male and lovely sexy voiced) housemate to sit on my bed and read me her stories...'The One On The Right' (?) - a favourite...a dinner party giggle...

EPITAPH FROM ABERDEEN Here lie the bones of Elizabeth Charlotte Born a virgin, died a harlot She was aye a virgin at seventeen A remarkable thing in Aberdeen SISTERS If only I hadn't had sisters How much more romantic I'd be But my sisters were such little blisters That all women are sisters to me. Justin Richardson

World's shortest poem, On the Antiquity of Microbes. Adam had 'em. [%sig%]

Eternity Ring I can't get this blasted thing off: the ring set with stones that eats into my flesh. I've tried fretsaws and slashers and pneumatic drills; Fatima, butter and soap. Lard. I rode a tank over my knuckles, I dropped a bomb onto my hand. The ring is still grand. Dorothy Molloy