ABC tales- lonely hearts column

literary untalented ex-tory MP, recently granted parole from a series of Her Majesty's finer penal establishments seeks ghost writer to produce a series of unthrilling thriller/ crime novels that will finance my tastes for the finer things in life. Contact Lord Jeff Box 76223

Male, over the age of consent but approaching the age of incapacity, likes wining, dining, and comfortable footwear, seeks female with reasonable expectations, minimum 80% original body parts. No line dancers. [%sig%]

flatulant older woman with third breast and hairy teeth seeks anyone at all. must be alive (or still warm) for nights on the fire (non smoker preferred) and must have own transport/wellies. OTE 35k plus health care package for right applicant. please send CV and genital etching to: Boiling a Bag dating and cannibalism agency 9 Mein Herr Elbow-on-the-mend Barnsley ref no: 666

ARE YOU THE man standing three feet away from me at the bar in Fabric, smiling weakly and smelling rather too strongly of Isi Miyake? Because if you look at my tits one more time, I am going to glass you. Reply to xxxx

Aging Royal seeks horse faced divorcee with connections in the illicit viagra trade...

handsome - so I'm told - young footballer seeks discreet woman for fun. Must be 60 or over.

someone should def. take dan up on that ... i like dan ...

I have a weird fantasy about sailing with a crew on a recreated old whaling ship from the early 1800s...

Dan please see my boat at

It's a lovely looking boat Jude, but without a sail it's just a big floating plastic villa.

now that's a boat

I don't like to rely on wind...I know someone who had to be towed to Calais when both the wind and his back up engine failed. He was 86 at the time and coped admirable by cracking open another bottle of Plymouth dry gin which is apparently the ultimate sailor's drink.

You're right Anna....that's weird.

You and about fifty bearded, smelly, desperate, harpoon-bearing men stranded in the bleak arctic ... why not make it into a story for us?

You left out "toothless"

And one legged.

Certainly, we've missed something else eah?

Relying on wind can definitely be a pain, yes.

Aging malcontent with own teeth and large collection of velvet jackets seeks daughter of Chinese silk merchant with own air conditioning.

scuse me... You won't catch me near any frozen wastes. Couldn't your fantasy be about being stranded on a desert island instead, with grass skirted native (me) and coconut cups full of oil... instead?

whatever floats your boat, Jude ... I suspect Justyn thinks you're into handcuffs, though - surely nobody gets very excited about cufflinks??

me looking for "only fun " male online buddy not bothed if your english or not !!!!!

Hey! I meant what I said: cufflinks it is!

sorry to pop to the top... but I just got an email from a stranger with this thread as the subject line, saying "I like you" takes all sorts

Jude, what would a chaste woman be doing with a 9" knob?

screwing it... to her door

Read all about it, read all about it..... 'Nuns And Knee Tremblers' In a store near you NOW!

Female who constantly thinks of grunting, whilst having her arse slapped, hair tugged, when chewing the carpet would like to meet a man with a gentle spirituality, many interests, conversational skills and an interest in words, literature and the arts... and with independent means of course.

That's the kangaroo jockey ruled out then. I'm afraid it's Ophelia self!

Ophelia - kan u tell mee wot ur wearing, plz ?

let's see ... neat off-the-shoulder designer number from the Wilma Flintstone range? * is the gentle spirituality showing through yet? *

Dan - Now this is a yacht http://www.moody.co.uk/moodyyachts/index2.htm (sorry don;t know how to make it clickable). I love sailing, power or sail - and have done for years, lthough have not been for a while. Unfortunately you tend to meet the most awful bores in the yacht club, especially during Cowes week!

[%sig%]

Recreated from what Anastasia - old whales?

Thanks - how do you do that??

Just inclose the address in "<>" Lizzie.

actually I'd settle for one of these

Thanks Smiley! Ooh, a personal Sub, just what I have always wanted! Does it come with fit sailors?!?!

Yes, a gaggle of ABC men, in button bursting sailor's outfits.

.....

What an, er, interesting thought - some of you in sailor's outfits! I am thinking of one or two ABC talers in particular, here...

Tc and Missi?

OK three or four at least then...!

Come on, Lizzie, do tell... I bet Dan is one, everyone seems to have the hots for Dan. He knows a lot about Guinness, as I recall.

...and if ever there was a qualification for a sailor.

Cursing....one has to be able to string a sentence together without using a noun.

Crazy, wild child 45 year old neverneverlandpoet. Great arse.rofl Allergy to idiots. With a big appetite for all things art. Comes with beautifully formed luggage and that's all. Taking no shit and demanding all and giving nothing but equality in return.lol Tai, smiling

Aging orbicular alky. I don't have my own teeth but I've borrowed me mum's, and don't I just look a treat in 'em. I find they're particularly exceptional for eating her food, especially when it's been regurgitated by her. Or the dog. Unfortunately there is a clicking sound when I engage people in conversation, not unlike that of Miriam Makeba the African singer when she sings her appropriately titled 'Clicking Song'. I do have my own hair, fortunately most of it on my head. I have just discovered the meaning of life but it will go to my grave with me. I don't have my own eyes, I was always told 'Oh, you have your father's eyes'. This always confused me because I wondered who's eyes were those my father was using. Until someone said that he had his mother's eyes. I'm devastatingly handsome as most women seem to recoil as if they're devastated when they see me. I like drinking to excess, (or is that access?) Love art-house films, The Tricycle theatre, walking on Hampstead Heath and getting humorous letters published in The Guardian. I have been in the past, a cabinet maker, a minor pop star drummer, a dancer and tennis player. And unlike Stevie Smith I am drowning, I'm not waving.

I'll have you know that I was a PO in the Merchant Navy in my youth, and very smart I was too in my dress uniform. I didn't look so good years later throwing up on the Malcolm Miller though.

Unattractive, well-rounded 48 year old male (retired ex-army), likes scotch, beer, Sainsbury's ready-meals, and afternoons lounging near log fire in local pub, seeks attractive woman (preferably with own teeth and generous set of funbags) for drunken nights in, drunken nights out, and frisky games on Chesterfield leather sofa. Ability to hold half-decent literary conversations a bonus.