The Mormons are Coming, BBC 2, and BBC iPlayer, Peggy Pictures, Executive Producers Danni Davis, Ida Ven Bruusgaard, Richard Macer and Belinda Cherrington.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/m001jnfb/the-mormons-are-coming

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mormons

Yesterday, I said to Sean, Robin’s dad, I couldn’t get swimming because there were two ducks in the swimming pool.

‘Really!’ he replied.

‘No,’ spluttered five-year-old Robin and Tilly at the same time.

Shaking their heads and running away with that bemused expression that means that means they know what they’re about.

‘He’s a liar,’ said Tilly.

‘Oh, right,’ said Sean, catching on.

‘Two ducks and a swan,’ I added an extra bird, but nobody believed me now. Usually, you can tell kids anything. But they get to that age when they get cynical and worldly weary.

When I was growing up, girls had pictures of Donny Osmond on their wall, or the more hard-core David Cassidy. Puppy Love. The story of my life in two bars. But I might have gone into a few more afterwards. Marie Osmond. Paper Roses? You bet. I’d have married her as many heartbeats as it took to stick. Mormons used to practice polygamy. But that was a long time ago when they weren’t all whiter than white, and more middle class that Boris Johnson.

I’m generalising. After Donny and Maria and Wayne and wee Jimmy and all those other Mormons we’ve got the real deal. We’ve got missionaries preaching the good news about the Mormon faith in Manchester. A training centre in Chorley, Lancashire, helps put them through their regimental paces. They pay for their training. Love for Jesus only goes so far. Here the programme follows three missionaries over two hour-long episodes. They’re all young, with good teeth and winning smiles. Sister Cooper, for example, isn’t from Utah, but the North of England. She proved herself to be a chanteuse, of the Marie Osmond, white-teeth-order, while singing a hymn on the piano. Baptisms are the fully Monty. White suit and its underwater for a quick dip and meeting with other Latter Day Saints and Jesus Christ.

Elders are always on hand. Selling the Mormon faith is a full-time occupation for those young go-getters. They’ve targets to meet and techniques to master. Ten Instagram Posts a day. Following up leads on Facebook. Spreading the gospel, for example, outside the performance of The Book of Mormon in London.  Bemused music goers were telling the baby-faced proselytising elders that they were really good. Just like the real thing. No ducks, no swans, just the real thing.