Stephen Fry: Out There, written and directed by Stephen Fry BBC 2, 9pm.

On Channel 4 there is Diary of a Teenage Virgin. Masters of Sex is also on Channel 4, but I think that’s a drama. They also have Dogs: Their Secret Lives. I don’t know what that’s about, but I can guess. I’m getting sick of sex and always thought of Stephen Fry as being particularly sexless, an animated manikin with a voice designed by Harrods. No programme about homosexuality (or celebrity drug or alcohol addiction) can be shown on British television without Elton John having his say.

            Stephen, I hope he doesn’t mind me calling him that, because that’s his name, had his laptop set up and showed his audience what looked like a snuff movie made in Iran. That’s not really my kind of thing …anyway, he interviewed an asylum-seeker from that Islamic hotspot instead who talked about killing himself. His partner in Iran had accused him of rape. In a catch 22 kind of situation if he hadn’t accused him of rape then that would have meant he was a homosexual and it has already been established what happens to homosexuals in Iran. What happens to asylum seekers here and what happens to the airlines that bring asylum seekers well that’s catch 21.

            Next up Uganda. Britain used to own real-estate in three-quarters of the world and in countries like this those archaic laws that our forefathers have left behind, like Thatcher’s clause 28, but adapted  for use in more temperate regions  and divorced from us by the colonial distance of our civilising influence have become rather more severe. Homosexuality is a crime, not reporting homosexuality is a crime and not knowing what it is, is an even bigger crime as Stephen’s live debate with Pastor Solomon on Ugandan radio showed.  We in Scotland, of course, had Idi Amin, in the 1970s claiming to be our king. Even he, however, didn’t advocate ‘corrective rape’ for lesbian women as did the Ugandan minister for ethics and (ahem) integrity. In the most moving part of the programme, which seems to be heavily weighted towards the experience of homosexual men, Stephen interview a Ugandan women who, at the age of fourteen, was on the receiving end of such a ‘corrective rape’, which made her pregnant and gave her HIV. She too admitted to trying to kill herself.

            Thing were a bit more light-hearted in America. This is the country of Goofy and MacDonalds.  Stacy Dooley has already been there and done that.

But Stephen is not as pretty as Stacy. A friend of mine recently said that Adam married Even and not Steve, well I suggest I wasn’t so  sure as I wasn’t there, but I guess Stephen could have handled it better. He is witty and his rhetorical question about the doctor’s metrosexual appearance that helped pioneer ‘rebarbative therapy’ was a touchdown. As we all know homosexuality is a thought crime. Orwell had it right. If we can employ a Winston Smith like character to convince homosexuals that they are heterosexuals and heterosexuals that they are homosexuals then we’ll all be fucked up together and the world will be a much happier place.



Of course Adam married Eve. She was the only other person in existence. If God hadn't made eve adam would have probably ended up shagging the cat. 


'Homosexuality was invented by a straight world dealing with its own bisexuality'    Kate Millett (Flying, 1974)

'and what is this scandalous suggestion by Mr Oblong about Adam and one of my own kind. Grr hiss mixed marriage well I don't know' Saffron (Elsie's four pawed friend)

You'll be pleased to know that my 'Bible according to Terrence Oblong' project has been abandoned at the first word.  




The word was 'croissant'.


In the beginning there was bagel.