I Shall Not Bother Wearing Purple

I have always appreciated a bargain and being treated fairly, and find that this proclivity has increased with age – or perhaps it’s just brass neck that has increased, if I can sneeze-fart in the post office and brazen it out, I can certainly ask for what I want.  So, it came to pass, that before going away on holiday in May, I bought two of those plug-in timers for lamps to fool burglars that there was somebody home.  (Now I just use inulin as a deterrent).  Testing the two plug-in thingies, (used to work in IT can’t help myself), I found them to be heating up at an alarming rate – i.e. at all. Bought two replacements, at half the price, in the hallowed halls of that great big middle aisle, ‘Home Bargains’, and went on holiday secure in the knowledge that burglars everywhere would be fooled hook, line and sinker and the house would not go up in flames in the process.  Ate ice cream.  Bought inulin.  On returning, my disgruntlement increased, mostly pondering the price of the faulty plug-ins, which were still lying on the kitchen counter as if in a cosmic smirk. Decided to take them back and ask for a refund.  Didn’t have the receipt, but my new favourite poem is:

‘When I am old,

I shall not bother wearing purple, especially not in a lipstick,

Rather, I shall act daft,

And chance my luck’. 

Which I did, to great effect and got a credit note.  Which I shall dip into today to buy some sauerkraut and some eggs.  Have to give the gut bugs something to shout about.

Here is my new second favourite poem: 

‘In winter

I shall buy chicory,

The plant, not the powder. 

I have learned my lesson. 

And so has the ozone’.