The stinky cheese man and other politically incorrect bedtime stories

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Fri, 2004-03-26 11:59

Have you ever read the story of the Stinky Cheese Man? Very appropriate in this spot:

Narrator: Once upon a time there was a little old woman and a little old man who lived together in a little old house. They were lonely. So the little old lady decided to make a man out of stinky cheese. She gave him a piece of bacon for a mouth and two olives for eyes and put him in the oven to cook. When she opened the oven to see if he was done, the smell knocked her back.

Old Lady Phew! What is that terrible smell?

Narrator: The Stinky Cheese Man hopped out of the oven and ran out the door.

Stinky Cheese Man: Run run run as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the Stinky Cheese Man!

Narrator: The little old lady and the little old man sniffed the air.

Old Man: I;m not really very hungry.

Old Lady: I'm not really all that lonely.

Narrator: So they didn't chase the Stinky Cheese Man. The Stinky Cheese Man ran and ran until he met a cow eating grass in the field.

Cow: Wow! What ís that awful smell?

Stinky Cheese Man: I've run away from a little old lady and a little old man and I can run away from you, too, I can.
Run run run as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the Stinky Cheese Man.

Cow: I'll bet you could give someone two or three stomachaches. I think I'll just eat weeds.

Narrator: So the cow didn't chase the Stinky Cheese Man either. The Stinky Cheese Man ran and ran until he met some kids playing outside school.

Girl: Gross! What ís that nasty smell?

Stinky Cheese Man: I've run away from a little old lady, and a little old man, and a cow, and I can run away from you, too, I can. Run run run as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the Stinky Cheese Man!

Narrator: The little boy looked up and sniffed the air.

Boy: If we catch him, our teacher will probably make use eat him. Let's get out of here!

Narrator: So the kids didn't chase the Stinky Cheese Man either. By and by the Stinky Cheese Man came to a river with no bridge.

Stinky Cheese Man: How will I ever cross this river? It's too big to jump, and if I try to swim across Iíll probably fall apart.

Narrator: Just then the sly fox (who shows up in a lot of stories like these) poked his head out of the bushes.

Fox: Why, just hop on my back and I'll carry you across, Stinky Cheese Man.

Stinky Cheese Man: How do I know you won't eat me?

Fox: Trust me!

Narrator: So the Stinky Cheese Man hopped on the fox's back. The fox swam to the middle of the river.

Fox: Oh man! What ís that funky smell?

Narrator: The fox coughed, gagged, and sneezed, and the Stinky Cheese Man flew off his back and into the river where he fell apart.

I am betting he was made of Brie.

Fri, 2004-03-26 13:57

John

Jude? If this is imposing of me? Then pleas tell me to mined my own business. I wont be offended. I read some of you're contributions on some threads and cant help my curiosity. What area of Sciences are you in? And if you write, 'And its not to imposing', what kind of stuff do you write?

Fri, 2004-03-26 14:03

jude

John I am a zoologist specialising in invertebrate zoology. My thesis was entitled "Effect of modern molluscicides on osmoregulation of parasite-vector molluscs." I write allsorts...too varied to make a short summary of...gems I am proud of are all on abctales please take the time

Fri, 2004-03-26 14:54

John

Hi Jude. invertebrate Zoology must be fascinating to specialise in. I love all aspect of Sciences, especially Field work, but have little knowledge of you're field of specialisation. Will enjoy having a read of you're little gems. Thanks.

Fri, 2004-03-26 14:56

1legspider

Stinky cheese made me laugh. I recently came across this series of subverted fairy and folk tales... They are clever and hilarious and perfect for children from 6 onwards... lots of wordplay for parents to enjoy tooo. Fantastic illustrations. The titles are funny, most of the stories live up to them: SHAMPOOZEL The hair-larious story of a barber called Dan Druff, his wife, Tam O'Tei and their beautiful hairy daughter, Shampoozel - You'll laugh till your hair curls. LITTLE RED RIDING WOLF The Big Bad Girl is just about as BIG and BAD as can be. Then she tricks poor Little Wolfie into wearing the most hideous red hat you have ever seen... NEW!! ECO-WOLF AND THE THREE PIGS "Like, huff and puff, man. Delicious." Carousel"A wondefully zany new title. Witty, clever and thought-provoking" Times Educational Supplement CINDERBOY The wickedly funny story of Cinderboy who was crazy about football DAFT JACK AND THE BEANSTACK Daft Jack and his mother were so poor, they lived under a cow in a field. His mother slept at the front end and Jack slept at the udder end RUMPLY CRUMPLY STINKY PIN Once upon a time, in a country where everyone had silly names (and the king had the silliest of all) there lived a miller by the name of Eyebrow Snailsocks... BILLY BEAST This is Beauty and the Beast upside-down, inside-out, back-to-front and DISGUSTINGLY funny. THE RATHER SMALL TURNIP The ENORMOUS adventures of a rather small turnip, a greedy farmer and a hilarious lineup of characters. My favourite thus far is probably Daft Jack... Recommend them wholeheartedly (Amazon button on ABC)

Fri, 2004-03-26 15:35

andrew pack

Have to confess that I don't quite understand the TITLE of your thesis Jude, so have no prospects of understanding the thing itself... though I do recall from Cannery Row that John Steinbeck dabbled in marine biology and molluscs. I'm getting the impression that science is John's bag - while I'm not a scientist by any stretch of the imagination, I am interested in science, and Dan is extremely good at physics.

Fri, 2004-03-26 15:50

Dan

Dan was once, he's forgotten most of it.

Fri, 2004-03-26 15:55

Dan

And he doesn't understand the title of Jude's thesis either, what's a parasite-vector mollusc ?

Fri, 2004-03-26 16:12

Jude

Dan a parasite is well you know what a parasite is... a vector is something that transmits a parasite from one host to another...like a mosquito. A mozzy carries tiny parasitic beasties in its salivary glands...which it picks up when it bites someone...then when it bites another person, it passes on the wee beastiess. A mollusc is...well you know what a mollusc is. There are water snails in africa that transmit wee parasitic beasties by biting peoples legs when they wade in the river. So it is a mollusc and a parasite vector..

Fri, 2004-03-26 16:20

#10

Dan

I'd forgotten vector had any meaning outside of maths. osmoregulation is presumably regulation of osmosis then, right? And knocking it out of whack would be how molluscicides icide their molluscs?

Fri, 2004-03-26 16:39

#11

Tony Cook

Would that have anything to do with how patricides pater their pats or how cidricides cider that cats? I thought not.

Fri, 2004-03-26 16:56

#12

jude

nice word TC... I am a cidricide

Fri, 2004-03-26 19:27

#13

John

Yes Jude! I see what you mean. You're little gems are indeed many any varied. I won't critich, as i judge writing by how it makes me feel, not by style are the way it was written. For me, writing conveys an emotional or intellectual- challenge. To get one is good. To get both if rare. Of the 20 or so of you're little gems Ive red so far, I very much go both. John

Sat, 2004-03-27 07:20

#14

justyn_thyme

In college some of us were complaining one day about jargon, especially scientific. To prove a point, one guy picked up a biology text book and opened it to a page at random, eyes closed, and pointed to a sentence. Opening his eyes, he read (pardon the spelling): "The cessile barnucle has no peduncle." That was about 1970 and we still joke about it. Ironically, or not, the biology student in the group, Bert, latter went on to get a PhD. His thesis topic dealt with...the cessile barnucle.

Sat, 2004-03-27 13:51

#15

Dan

There is a (genuine) unix error message "zombie demon child stuck in pipe" though I've never managed to create it.

Sat, 2004-03-27 20:44

#16

jude

JT the cessile Barnacle (Semilbalanus balanoides) has no peduncle, so whats so funny about reading it!!!

Fri, 2004-03-26 12:02

#17

jude

subsequest story is about the ugly duckling...who grows up o be a f.ucking ugly duck.

Fri, 2004-03-26 12:15

#18

andrew pack

I love the Stinky Cheese Man - the typography is just spot-on (having been married to a graphic designer, I notice this sort of thing, and my recent work plays little games with typesetting) My fave is the cyclical story of Jack and the Beanstalk where to prevent the giant eating him, Jack tells him the story of how Jack climbed up the beanstalk, got caught by a giant and to prevent the giant eating him, Jack tells him the story of how... is worthy of Borges, and he would have loved it, he was very fond of the point in A Thousand and One nights where Scherazade starts telling the King the story of Scherazade telling the King stories, which must inexorably lead to her telling that particularly story and infinitely regress in a particularly beautiful way.

Fri, 2004-03-26 12:18

#19

jude

Little red riding shorts... when I firs read "the stinky cheese man" I literall cried with laughter

Fri, 2004-03-26 12:25

#20

John

I haven't read the Stinky Cheese man, but iam laughing.

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