Relax! We all do it

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Wed, 2004-12-29 15:34

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Relax! We all do it

Here's the first in my three part series of masturbation techniques for males and females:-

Please enjoy and remember - Masturbation is FUN!! :)

Female Techniques.

The feminist movement has lead to women taking a much more liberated and relaxed attitude towards masturbation. It is now estimated that 95% of women between the ages of 18-25 own and regularly use sex toys for self-pleasure. Here are some of the old faves:-

The Roller:
Take your thumb and your pointer finger and place them on your clitoris. Each finger being on a different side. Begin moving your fingers back and forth. Doing this for a while will easily bring you to an orgasm.
Submitted: 10/01/03

Paused:
Right before you are about to climax, Stop. Relax a little, and then return masturbating. A few times doing this will make the end result more powerful.
Submitted: 10/01/03

Cool Rub:
Fill a bowl with ice cubes and leave them by your bed (or where-ever you masturbate) Begin to slowly rub the ice on your breasts. Encircle your nipples then proceed to move slowly down your abdomen towards your vagina. The extreme cold temperatures will give your clitoris an extreme rush of energy.
Submitted: 10/01/03

Household Vibes:
Sit on top of a washing machine or dryer. Don't touch yourself. Just let the vibrations do their magic with your vagina. This technique will get you in the mood to do anything.
Submitted: 10/01/03

Clit Grind:
Grind your clit against something. The arm of a sofa should do quite well. Just rock back and forth. Some women may be able to climax without using their hands at all.
Submitted: 10/01/03

Meat Dildo:
Place a condom around a warm sausage or hotdog and insert it into your vagina. It almost feels like a real penis!
Submitted: 10/01/03

Water Pressure:
Bring an empty shampoo bottle into a bathtub filled with water. Fill the bottle with water and place it very close to your clitoris. Squeeze the bottle and it will surge water against your clitoris.
Submitted: 10/01/03

Tickle:
Find something around your house that is soft (feather,brush etc.) Begin to tickle your nipples with the item of your choice. Move slowly down your body but don't touch your vagina. Tickle your inner thighs then your stomach then move down to your thighs again. Tease yourself for as long as possible and the end result will be amazing.
Submitted: 10/01/03

The Tap:
Lay on your back and place your pointer finger on your clitoris. Lightly tap your clit over and over again. Increase the pressure if you want. The teasing feeling gets me off every time.
Submitted 10/17/03 By: Amanda

Riding the Seam:
Put on a pair of tight jeans. You'll notice that there's a thick seam located right near your clit. Sit firmly in a chair and rock back and forth moving it across your clit. The pressure feels amazing.
Submitted: 10/17/03 By: Amanda

Wed, 2004-12-29 15:41

John

OK. Will have a go later on.

Fri, 2005-01-07 22:33

sharkbait

Masturbation! Thanks, I have it now. Lighten up sharkBATE. Don't fight guys. This site's just for FUN!

Wed, 2004-12-29 16:12

radioserver.ntli.net

sounds like somebody's already doing it.

Wed, 2004-12-29 17:05

Hox

OK Alum, put the mouse down and hold your hands up where I can see them. [%sig%]

Wed, 2004-12-29 17:33

Ralph

Have not had a hand-shandy in ages. Should I worry, advise please.

Wed, 2004-12-29 18:35

John

Your not very handy then Ralph? Try a good DIY book, you get some good advice on screwing.. *Reaches for hammer drill instead*

Wed, 2004-12-29 18:48

martin_t

ralphie just think of gloria hunniford in a gold lame dress and stillettos.... that should get you going

Wed, 2004-12-29 18:53

John

Cantzzzzzz Switchssssssssssss ThiszzzzzBloodyzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz thingzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Ofzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Wed, 2004-12-29 19:22

#10

neil_the_auditor

I notice the complete lack of female members (?) responding to this entertaining and informative thread ...

Wed, 2004-12-29 19:26

#11

radiodenver

Over here we call it a...circle jerk.

Wed, 2004-12-29 19:36

#12

Emma

I was reeling on reading this - I came on the site to see what was being said about the earthquake. So - are you men at all affected by it? You can donate here: No need to hurry, mop yourselves up first and catch your breath.

Wed, 2004-12-29 19:38

#13

Emma

Wed, 2004-12-29 19:39

#14

John

Perhaps they're busy? Its an awful lot off instructions..

Wed, 2004-12-29 20:20

#15

mississippi

Firstly we DON'T all 'do it', and secondly it's a wanky thread anyway.

Sat, 2005-01-08 01:07

#16

stormy

>>Sharkbait, spend less time playing with yourself and more time on your spelling<< Oooh! look at you, sharkbate. Why do I get the feeling, as I did once before (with someone else) that some of your posts are sent to you by email? Alumbloom, you are either a moron or are being used as one. Which, in case in hadn't occurred to you during your 'I can dick all over abctales threads moron campaign', means you are one.

Sat, 2005-01-08 01:27

#17

Edvard Munchbunch

You meet a better class of person when you have a wank. I need to give myself three weeks notice, though. That makes me want to SCREAMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!! [%sig%]

Sat, 2005-01-08 05:05

#18

Pigeon George

"Which, in case in hadn't occurred...." sorry stormy - I don't have a clue what the fuck you mean. Could you re-phrase this and use proper english, pleeeaassee :) **mmm..THAT felt GOOOD!!!** Yes, Stormy...I am being used as a moron and you've read too much Kafka. BUH-BYE! Well said Sharkbait. Welcome to the club! :))

Sat, 2005-01-08 14:00

#19

sharkbait

coo... coo... Thanks PG, I like to feed the pigeons. I'll have to stop at Federal Street and pick up some hot Philly pretzels. Ya know, the big twisty ones. I can throw them in the air if you like, but I prefer feeding by hand.

Wed, 2004-12-29 23:39

#20

mississippi

I don't think anyone's really interested, Ian.

Tue, 2005-01-18 08:20

#21

JERRY SEIN FEELED

get a cock up ya [%sig%]

Thu, 2004-12-30 00:40

#22

Pigeon George

coo

Fri, 2005-01-07 04:41

#23

sharkbait

Here's one to add to your collection. Touching Home Base. Place your middle finger at the very base of the clitoris and gently rock from side to side. The sensation will build. Meanwhile your other hand is free to massage the nipples. Ointment is optional. Can't wait for part two...oo..ooo...ooooo...ooooooooooooooooooooooo! [%sig%]

Fri, 2005-01-07 07:07

#24

sharkbait

I believe that more women 40 to 50 are pleasuring themselves. We're at our sexual height. We've shaken off most inhabitions; the years of programming to act like proper ladies. Masterbation helps lighten the obligations of a relationship. After a long and tiring day at work a man is free to eat dinner, play with his controller, snap on his c-pap mask and sleep. A woman can similarly flop in bed without feeling obligated. Masterbation is the answer when sexual partners are not in the same mood. All of the above female methods including my addition are sure to create a great wave of exhileration and ebb of relaxation. Masterbation is an effecient and no/low cost method of stress relief. Save the cost of Carnival Cruise Line tickets and kennel fees. Shorten airline waiting lines and save your valuable time for more productive persuits. Physical activity and exercise are the paths to health and healing. Add masterbation to you regamin. Be vigerous. [%sig%]

Fri, 2005-01-07 11:13

#25

Bob Roberts

*sitting atop spinning wash machine & holding bucket of ice, dressed in La Perla underwireless bustier, thong, and stilletos* When do I use the ice, George ?

Fri, 2005-01-07 11:57

#26

Ely Whitley

at least once per day every day since i was about 12. can't focus/sleep/think without one (in the absence of actual sex of course). It's like hunger, won't go away if you ignore it, just gets worse.

Fri, 2005-01-07 16:36

#27

sharkbait

Hi George, Just can't wait to read part 2. I'm just hungry for more education.

Fri, 2005-01-07 16:46

#28

jude

I became slightly confused with the techniques and which instruction belonged to which technique...found myself with bum in washing machine, a condom wrapped round a pepperami...inserted in the air filter...and rather a lot of wind rather than pleasure...

Fri, 2005-01-07 18:56

#29

sharkbate

Sharkbait, spend less time playing with yourself and more time on your spelling.

Fri, 2005-01-07 21:32

#30

Happy Bob Roberts

Phew! No prostate cancer for me then! *returns to comfy chair with scotch and latest Andy McNab*

Fri, 2005-01-07 21:36

#31

mississippi

If I want to pull sharkbait or anyone else up on their spelling I'll do it using my own name, something you haven't got the guts to do, Alum. It's become very fashionable for ntli users to slag others and hide behind my name. You're a ******.

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