Red Balls? White Balls?

Do the umpires do their 'pulling off' in the Royal Court with the house lights down?

Flash provides a better description but I am trying not to keep it too simple for haystack.

And another thing, when the chumpire pulls off a player is he a full tosser?

I think Geoff Boycott was a Yorker full tosser.

The batsman's Holding the bowler's Willey. Explain.

I will never have the same image of my late father and cricket again...

I onces played cricket. The other players kept mumbling the word tosser.. Did this have anything to do with the fact that i was the bowler?

Normal service....

what happens when you get caught by a googlie?

You hope the catcher is just going to give them a good rub!

Is the third man required in women's cricket?

hiya lovely.....how about 'NO' balls! hahaha

Women's cricket? Now there's a thought. Where do the women stand on red balls, white balls?

My daughter plays cricket - a very good swing bowler actually - and she is adept at polishing red balls. She could probably make any ball move either in or out. She doesn't play day-night cricket so is less experienced with white balls. Next week handling a sticky wicket.

And if you could Stephen, explain to us all how to ball a maiden over.

Do they just polish yer balls or do they also pull yer stump?

And how important is the follow through?

Stumps are always pulled at the end of a day's play. Some umpires are gentler than others. And Flash, I cannot over-emphasise the importance of a proper follow through. A batsman can get into a terrible pickle if he doesn't complete the movement with a full flow of the bat. I refer you to the matter of Mike Gatting in the motel room with the waitress in the 80's. A maden is getting all your balls in the blockhole so that no one scores.

Are you in scrotum mode this week?

First time I've used the word I believe. I was actually hoping one of the resident cricket experts would explain how the colour of the cricket ball affects it's flight.

HA! NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT NO FLIGHT HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HAHA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HHA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HAHA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA! HA! HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HAHA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HHA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HAHA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA! HA! HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HAHA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HHA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HAHA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA! HA! HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HAHA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HHA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HAHA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA! HA! HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HAHA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HHA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HAHA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA! HA! NO FLIGHT HA!

hmmm, so is that why they never play in winter? Blue balls dont do anything??? Trys to look innocent.

wot about black balls do they swing?

Oh dear.

Don't worry about unfortunate little embarrassments should you take up the noble game Haystack. Following your admission only yesterday that you wax your scrote, you should not produce too much away swing with a well pitched-up ball. If you wish to extract some prodigious late swing, first polish your ball on your trousers. You will recall seeing bowlers on the cricket field with red stains down the front of their flannels and this comes from prolonged ball-rubbing. As you deliver your ball, make sure the seam is vertical and pointing towards the slips. If you persevere with waxing, I would counsel you to wax just one side. When the other, unwaxed hemisphere is stubbled like a kiwifruit, you will find that by holding your ball with the hairs pointing to the leg side it will swing wildly to the off as long as you give it some length. I must warn you that the use of unguents like wax or shoe polish is considered ball-tampering and is against the laws of the game. Spittle is acceptable. I hope this makes it all clear. Next week: the mysteries of reverse swing explained and how to get your balls to bounce off a good length.

yes yes Lofty, but explain about the red and white ones.

Does it happen in snooker?

I am zis thread enjoying. Shtephen, please inserting your balls into the blockhole explain.

There is no scientific explanation for white cricket balls swinging more, or indeed why a ball (of any colour) swings more when it is overcast. The ball manufacturers claim that the balls are identical, just that some are dyed red and some are dyed white. Perhaps it is just an optical illusion.

As an exponent of second-rate inswing bowling I can only agree with smillieboy that basically nobody knows why balls behave the way they do when they do. Apart from the mechanics of the bowler's body action, the drag on the non-polished side of the ball and the seam direction upsetting the airflow, the rest of why a ball changes direction during its path through the air is not fully understood. A two piece ball swings more than a four piece ball. Some brands of red balls swing more than other red balls. Laquered balls don't swing. Cloud and humidity provoke swing while sunshine and dry heat reduce it. White balls swing more than red. Put it down to cricket's rich mystery. Next week: helping mississippi oil his bat.

Dear stormytrooper, Getting it in the blockhole is an element of the noble game over which proper gentlemen usually try to draw a veil. I think it's something that happens in the dressing room during rain interruptions, or more precisely in the back passage behind the dressing room. It's what Geoffrey Boycott calls the "corridor of uncertainty". Next week: the follow-through.

Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.

Er... what exactly is the 'blockhole'?

'Corridor of Uncertainty?' - there's one of those outside my classroom at school.

The blockhole is the spot the ball lands on when the bowler achieves very good line (direction in relation to the stumps) and length, thus making it a challenging ball for the batsman to play. Next week: Why the umpires pull the players off during bad light.

I think the blockhole is the line right on the crease, where the bowler aims and tries to bowl a full toss Yorker to bowl the batsman out.