Emergency Non Sequitur Thread

man breeds pygmy kittens

Back to Rachel's opening thread ... as a newly-married couple we acquired a young kitten, who one day jumped up on to our bed and began sucking my nipples. Was rather nice, I seem to recall, but she soon realised there was nothing to be got.

Yesterday I took Lily to look at some lambs while her father went to sign up for yet another bloody marathon (if he's so keen he should try being in labour for 56 hours). Next to the lambs was a garden centre antiques place. There were some beautiful stone Buddhas outside, all with £25 scrawled in black ink on Buddhas forehead. I was wondering if Buddha might have been upset by that, or if he is too Zen.

I was sharing toilet stories over the weekend. One Christmas eve a few years ago, when they'd first put those pushbutton lock and flush loos into South western trains, I was going home to London after a few (large) drinks with some old schoolfriends down in Surrey. I had just finished a rather long, lager fuelled wee, and was leaning my back against the door to steady myself when re-arranging my clothing. I went to press the flush button (above the loo) and pressed the "door open" button (above the loo to the right) and the door flew open, I fell into the train corridor flat on my back with my trousers not yet covering my union jack knickers! a fine moment!

When I was in labour the other day (it was a month today, can you believe) and I had been in labour for 24 hours and no-one medical would believe me (I will save my gripes about the NHS for another day) I decided, quite rationally I thought, that I was going to die. It was 5:30am and a very beautiful morning and I was sitting in the garden so that I didn't wake everyone by shouting expletives every few minutes. Daisy had spent much of the previous evening planting the bed under the window and had made it look really lovely and wild and he was very proud of it. Convinced, as I was, that I was going to die, I decided that I would do something that would make him laugh after I was gone, so I planted loads and loads of carrot seeds in among his plants. But, of course, I didn't die. And now there are little frilly fronds coming up between the begonias and petunias and sometime very soon I am going to have to explain why I planted all the carrots and I fear I am going to look very silly. I will have to say that it is all that fucking midwife's fault.

Usual rules? I've played a non-sequiter thread game elsewhere, but unaware of ABC-specific rules. Therefore apologies for any felonious activities re the following... Speaking of felonious activities, don't you just find, when robbing banks, that all those gerbils just get in the way? I've written to my local council and the Head Wizard and other such authority figures, but every time I'm just fobbed off with... "The introduction of gerbils into the seating areas of banks is a necessary deterent to the radioactive caterpillars that our financial institutions have become infested with in recent months." ...and suchlike. And frankly it's just not good enough! Useful, however, if one gets a little peckish whilst waiting for a cashier to be free...

THE DEPTHS OF LUNACY THE traditional singing of Land of Hope and Glory may be dropped from a Remembrance Day festival because of its “political connotations”. The patriotic song with its rousing tune by Elgar has long been a staple of concerts and festivals, but councillors in Wolverhampton will today debate whether Rod Stewart’s song Sailing might not be more appropriate. Any suggestions for other more appropriate songs Lets replace "Rule Britannia" with "I've got a brand new combine harvester" "The National Anthem" with "Black or White" by Michael Jackson "Jerusalem" with "One Love" by Bob Marley

I don't like avacado and probably never will.

Some years ago I went camping with a very reluctant friend. She was afraid of creepy crawlers and really didn't want to go. I puled out all my charm and persuaded her by promising that nothing would happen to her and she would be completely safe in my hands. We set up camp next to a lake. She insisted that the burner was left on during the night. I woke up to the sound of flames engulfing the tent. She panicked and instead of following me out she ended up running around in circles with burning tent raped around her. In panic, I pushed her in to the lake. She sank. I jumped in to save her, but landed on her head. Well it was dark. After some time under the water trying to free her from the tent I managed to get her free and back on to the bank. As we struggled ashore. I told her to grab hold of a fence to help pull herself up the wet muddy bank. Turns out that the fence was electrified. She never came camping with me again.

I can't stop choking in mirth.

I am very dissapointed to learn this morning, after an argument in the pub last night, that the coreolis effect isn't remotely strong enough to infuence the direction water rotates when going down a plughole. It's all a myth.

Ahh I see! *True* stories! OK, I'll go and have a think and come back if I think of something...

Jude and Pepsoid - a warning issued to both.

Warning?! Hang on, I don't know the rules... O wait, it's probably on account of my last post being non-non-sequitous to the above... as is this one! Aaaaaaaaagggghhh!!! *crawls into a corner and gibbers incoherently*

back to toilet humour:- at Glastonbury one year, this guy was so blind drunk, he went into the portocabin loo for a piss, as I did, unwisely leaning back against the door. The lock gave way, he fell flat on his back but carried on pissing in trafalgar square fountain style with all the world gathered to watch. Then of course there is the classic tale of the wooden floors above the cess-pit toilets giving way and some poor girl falling in...bleurgh.

Really must stop talking babies but one last go... I am buying Lil a bouncy chair from Ebay. Found one and thought I'd look up original manufacturer for details. Says: "Vibrating bouncing chair - as seen in Sex and The City". Now, I am not a fan of Sex and The City but I know enough about the content. Frankly, I am shocked!

I had one of those racing bikes that have foot straps on the peddles. one day, whilst taxiing behind a bus through Camb's, two rather fetching females caught my attention. As I approached (Chest puffed out) I hadn't realized that the bus had stopped. First I new was wen I ran straight in to it. The bike stopped, My feet were stuck, trapped by the straps on the pedal. In what seemed like slow motion, me and bike slowly toppled sideways to the ground. God how they laughed.

To cut a long story shot. I use to make my own fir works. wanted to impress girl, so offered to provide fir work display in her parents garden, on fir works night. Come fir works night, I placed the box of fir works in her dads newly built out house, for safe keeping whilst I set the first rockets off. One of the rockets made a be-line for the out house window, set of box of for works.. Newly built - out house, more or less blow up/burnt down. Now thats what I call making an impression. ~:

Forgot to mention. I couldn't get the bloody things of my feet. I had to lay on the ground strapped to this bike, till those two stopped laughing long enough to set me free. I am still psychologically scared from that experience, haven't used a bike since.

My eldest daughter is a vegetarian, haven converted over some 10 years ago. After a few years of no meat of any type, she developed a craving for a fast food hamburger. In an attempt to satisfy this, she went through a drive-through window at a "Wendy's" fast food restaurant. She ordered a hamburger with lettuce, tomato, onions, pickles, mayo, the works. Only hold the burger. The clerk in the microphone didn't know what to do. "How can you order a hamburger without a hamburger?" "Just make it and don't put the meat on it" "We'll have to charge you the full price." "Okay...fine....just no burger" When she got the burgerless burger, she discovered that a burger pattie had once occupied the bun but was removed. She pulled off, walked in and started complaining about the hamburger with no burger having burger juice on it. The customers were watching and just laughing their ass off. "Just make it without putting a burger on it, not by putting a burger on it and then taking it off. I'm a vegetarian...no meat, no meat juice. "They still couldn't grasp the concept.