Would love some feedback on Conclusion to Coercion

Hanna, I found the content, of this sketch, interesting enough.It might serve and as introduction to a much larger story. Although writing teachers stress using the third person, as you did, I thought it might flow better as a 1st person narrative. I include that perspective below. I hope you develop this piece further.It would prove interesting to readers. Vaya Con Dios. J.X.M I was feeling a vague irritation towards the weather, of all silly things. It should certainly be raining on an occasion like this. Or, at least it would be if the world had a sense of poetic justice. But, the birds were twittering an incandescent nonsense in my ears. The misplaced sunshine tangled its rays with my hair. By all rights, this should have been a wedding. I mused on the inappropriateness of the situation. This should be a wedding, maybe a birthday, or a children’s party, but certainly not a funeral. It all seemed such an ironic tragedy. Still, the occasion is far from fitting. All I could think to do is to count hats, to pass the time. My eyes roved over the shaking, sombrely clad backs that swam in and out of my vision, like annoying but relatively harmless bees. I counted seven. Most of the hats are of the typical feather and net affairs that one would expect to find at functions like these. I had to fight an urge to yawn and roll my eyes, as the minister droned on and on. My eyes proferred the coffin an appraising glance, perhaps as a queen might grace looking at the hoi polloi. It already lies in its ill-fated home, shrugging away handfuls of earth that threaten to mar its well varnished exterior. I glanced at the gold watch guarding my wrist. Some people seem better suited to death than to life, I thought perhaps unkindly.

Hanna, I found the content, of this sketch, interesting enough.It might serve and as introduction to a much larger story. Although writing teachers stress using the third person, as you did, I thought it might flow better as a 1st person narrative. I include that perspective below. I hope you develop this piece further.It would prove interesting to readers. Vaya Con Dios. J.X.M I was feeling a vague irritation towards the weather, of all silly things. It should certainly be raining on an occasion like this. Or, at least it would be if the world had a sense of poetic justice. But, the birds were twittering an incandescent nonsense in her ears. The misplaced sunshine tangled its rays with her hair. By all rights, this should have been a wedding. I mused on the inappropriateness of the situation. This should be a wedding, maybe a birthday, or a children’s party, but certainly not a funeral. It all seemed such an ironic tragedy. Still, the occasion is far from fitting. All I could think to do is to count hats, to pass the time. My eyes roved over the shaking, sombrely clad backs that swam in and out of my vision, like annoying but relatively harmless bees. I counted seven. Most of the hats are of the typical feather and net affairs that one would expect to find at functions like these. I had to fight an urge to yawn and roll my eyes, as the minister droned on and on. My eyes proferred the coffin an appraising glance, perhaps as a queen might grace looking at the hoi polloi. It already lies in its ill-fated home, shrugging away handfuls of earth that threaten to mar its well varnished exterior. I glanced at the gold watch guarding my wrist. Some people seem better suited to death than to life, I thought perhaps unkindly.

One glaring typo in the first line of the second par 'it' should be 'is'. I think it has real promise but it is, in many ways, just a collection of word pyrotechnics. It does jolt the reader into consideration of the funeral and the purpose of death but not much more. I think that some of the imagery works very well - but the closing section with the gold watch doesn't hit the spot for me. Work it up - maybe add a little narrative, mix in the living with the dead - and it could be very good indeed.