This is just so good

I think it's great. Very interesting, original and *strange*. (Read it on UKA several days ago, where it got a great read pick, top ratings, well over 140 reads and around 30 comments, I think.)

Fabulous! A very charming voice that manages to be both real and abstract. Good flagging Tony. Joe

It makes me go "awww". I like the way it goes from voice to voice - it's good. One nit - take out the extraneous 'not' in the Beyonce para.

loved it

Never give up hope, Flashmaster. You often make me LOL!

Yes i agree with Liana, its shift in voice cough my attention to. If i begin reading something and carry on to the end, then something about the writing healed my attention. I read this peace to the end. I liked its realism.

OK. I'll be the spanner in Flash's works by setting aside the sentimantality of the piece. Firstly, >>(Read it on UKA several days ago, where it got a great read pick, top ratings, well over 140 reads and around 30 comments, I think.)<< That remark is irrelevant since the number of comments affects the number of reads - as people follow the discussions (and the author responds), the number of reads goes up. Secondly, I agree with Liana about the 'not' and would add that the opening paragraphs need work ... if they were any longer I might not have read on to the 'good' bit. Thirdly, not so sure on the change of voice. It's very abrupt. Obviously, some like it. I found it jarred. Fourthly, from 'And I will not' to 'away' is very, very good. Fifthly, I have mixed feelings about the end. I think the final long paragraph could be better and I'm not sure if the final three lines are necessary. I think they deflate the piece ... the ending must be 'lonely', surely? Lastly, this is a very good piece, Flash but it needs a damn good edit; it needs punctuating properly (hey, I struggle with punctuation myself - so if I notice it?) an improved intro and, maybe, a curtailed end. Sorry not to leap on the bandwagon of uka/abc praise but you will never improve if there isn't a dissenting voice from time to time. Email me if you want a cold-hearted crit.

This piece nearly made me cry when I read it this morning. I've read it a few times since and although I still love it, I agree with the previous comment, particularly about punctuation. Top draw Flash.

A big thank you to TC for flagging this obviously. To all the nice commentors a big wussy blubby thank you from me too. And to the Stormster too, for being honest, nice and fair. xxxxxx Flashy

There's some nice meditation in there about the human condition, dreams v. reality. I liked the way that the paragraph that begins 'In the bleak dark hours...' pushes onward to the poignant message which is the lonliness. I would change the punctuation in places, like at the start: Oh no, no. ? I think the rhythm of the writing could be improved with a good session of reading aloud. But yes, I liked the method in varying the sentence structure, keeps the interest going. It's a bit like a prose poem??? Elizabeth Smart's 'By Grand Central Station' comes to mind.

Not prose poem - I mean poetic prose.

Yeah.. liked it.. agree with a lot of Stormy's observations. It's very real and urgent ..whatever that means. I'm in two minds about the 'very, very lonely' ..maybe I'm just cold hearted ..but from the preceding paragraph I'd think that loneliness was pretty much what you were getting at without having to spell it out. Regardless.. I love the urgency. I wasn't as bothered by the 'change of voice' ..I think that shift is what makes the thing interesting.. as it goes from being very simple and heartfelt to something much more precise and dark.. I'd try and will yourself into that second voice more often, Flash, as it really shows that your writing is growing into something much more immediate and concise. Technically, it looks like you've got some work to do.. but I think that you're definitely on the right track.. I'd even suggest you tackle different subjects and feelings with the atmosphere of that second voice (without losing the down-to-earthness).. it could lead you to some very interesting things. P.S- It IS a bit Prufrock-ish but I'm willing to let you off because, to me, it seems that you've definitely opened up some new avenues for yourself here. Good luck with it and well done, mate! [%sig%]

i think the following para is obviously the key dramatic shift of the piece ... the climax ... "But in the bleak dark hours of a cold silent merciless night, I will look at my lighted reflection in a black heartless window and my eyes will turn in, they will look long, hard and deep past an empty joyless soul without pausing down into the abyss and suddenly I will realise that I am so very, very lonely." ... and for me it doesn't work ... i feel it is overwritten ... cold silent merciless night, black heartless window, look long deep and hard, empty joyless soul (eeeek), and very very lonely ... i realise this is probably the point ... the labouring of the rule of three ... but for me it weakens the rest of the piece which is bittersweet and feels original ... but any paragraph including "soul" and "abyss" ought to be looked at long deep and hard! it's a touching piece flash - and it could be improved ...

Agree with Fishberts on the above paragraph which is so full of negative adjectives I wondered if it was parodying the kind of "I am very unhappy" writing which often turns up here, as there's a certain wryness about the rest of the piece.

Thanks to you folks also Emma,Andy,Alison and Neil, so much talent with such contrasting views though EEEEEEEK!!!!!!

I'm very pleased to see so much constructive discussion here about a piece. This doesn't appeal to me personally but I can appreciate it's technical merits. It has a great rhythm and the formatting works well for the theme. I'm inclined to say that there is not really a "voice change" midway through, but instead the speaker begins addressing the audience instead of himself. This could certainly be more smooth and if it was mine I would try to turn down the drama a bit but everyone's tastes are thier own. Great job with the discussion everyone. will t

Yes, that's a change of voice... and style. Well I reckon anyway. I'm glad to see you here Will (tate?)

Liked this.