ABC Nativity ...

...but not before dumping two people and a ghostly macaw on the pavement ...

or at least, what looked like two people and a ghostly macaw but what in actual fact turned out to be a scrunched up piece of paper simply looked at from a certain angle...

IT WAS A MESSAGE. We The Donkeys. are holidng the shrperds by the gooley's until we get justice and Gucci straw hats and a larger dressing room.' DAW

It cost him thirty pieces of silver foil from his old Silk Cut Throat fag packets.

just then the rain came on, and unfortunately the message was perverted with those naughty drip drip drops of rain making the ink run until it read "We T Don hold s we t la ger " but nobody read it anyway...

. . . yes, the donkey's were revolting, and rather chic in their new hats (the director, a militant lesbian carrot fondler, had given in to their demands) even if I do say so myself, although Gucci is rather passé as a fashion house. Mary and Joseph have arrived at the inn. Mary is screaming: "Forget about the inn and get this thing out of me! Call yourself Handy Joseph. And you can put down that sheet of MDF for a start!"

Joseph reached for a pair of pliars.....

meanwhile Simon watched The Rock fondly on WWf and dreamed of lots of really big fish...

plunging his hand deep inside his handy tool pouch. He felt something wet and sticky on his fingers. WIthdrawing them and holding them up to his nose, he sniffed them and exclaimed, "Oh God... It's...

. . . fishpaste. Mary, what have you put in the sarnies?" Mary was still screaming.

Just then there came a knock on the door. It was...

the knocker

OM MY GOD IT'S CLIFF RICHARD!!! and he was looking mean he pushed his sunglasses up onto his brow.....

Of love. Barry White and the shepherds of satin, coming to serenade with coconut wax and crackers. Mary was entranced and showed some shoulder.

the crowd leave the building quietly.....

. . . and a good deal else as was she still on the point of giving birth. Barry White averted his eyes and lowered his voice to the point where it was only audible to dogs. "Lord have mercy!" he declared. A passing dachshund barked: "Amen." Mary had yet to stop screaming.

suddenly, mary stopped screaming. she was bathed in a strange glowing glow as if someone had laid a nice shiny platter behind her head. a passing painter thought it an opportune moment to make a few sketches for an upcoming piece, then decided against it... Mary had yet to resume screaming.

displaying a duffle bag full of items Win acquired, shall we say, at a steep, yet apparently unauthorized, five-finger discount. "Yikes!" exclaimed the Win girl. "Who's trying to take me for a ride this time?"

screaming resumed... aaaaahhhh It's twins, no there's another one wow three, I've got one of each..

. . . Jesus and his two little-known brothers: Gavin and Lambert . . .

HOWEVER, on closer inspection all proved to be boys WITHOUT winkles...

. . . but very large cockles . . .

*off stage whisper between loud titters* can i request that this replaces the crappy nativity that my middle daughters school put on this year????

...which had been been caught by Chris Jericho on a recent canoe trip along the Orinoco River.

Suddenly, the door burst open and there stood Roger Cook and a camera crew. Pointing accusingly at Kylie, Shazz and Winona, he demanded: "is it not true, O Kylie, Shazz and Winona, that thou art not who thou dost proclaim thine selves to be? And doth it not be true on this fair and foul eve, that thou art, indeed, yon three witches from 'Macbeth'?

'Jesus Christ!' exclaimed Mary. Yep, sounds like a good name to me said Joseph

" Really Mother, that's blashphemy you know" said Jesus disapprovingly, already showing signs of irritating piousness at a mere three minutes old.....

....not to mention signs that he'd been drinking large amounts of communion wine in the womb over the past few months.... *blashphemy????*

*knocking heard at door *a voice shouts (offstage) "TELEGRAM FROM A MISTER HEROD!"

Dear Queens... ...palace in dire need of redecorating.........seek design advice immediately.........Mwah mwah, Herod....

the queens gasped and snatched up their swatches ...

"It's a fair cop," said Kylie. "When shall we three meet again," said Shass. "It's very hot in all these dresses," said Winona, trying to ignore Justyn's terrible pun.

the queens rasped and thatched up their snatches

... just as Edward stormed in. "Hello hello! What's all this shouting we'll have no trouble here! This is a local inn for local people - we don't want you strangers with your three-bodied no-tails polluting our good, decent air!"

but edward was crushed beneath a stampede of twelvety-seven protesting *actors dressed as donkeys

"Did the plan work Edward?" Cried Tubbs, peering between the legs of a donkey. Jesus sighed impatiently. "Come ON woman!" he yelled at Mary. "I've been alive nearly ten minutes and you've still not fed me! Milk! Now! At once!" "Yes dear." Replied Mary wearily, digging out a breast from her grubby smock....

and as if by magic, billy bragg rode up, dressed a the milkman of human kindess and proceeded to nurture the little baby, who, by a curious coincidence, grew up to be a bit of a socialist...

"er, yes... you're right actually. And a bleedin' load of toyle n' trouble I went to an'all with that disguise... bleedin' load a' bleedin' good That done!" said Winona, winsomely. Meanwhile, back at the barn...

with dodgy friends in high places...

several protesting donkeys march past ...

. . . like his dad. The three shepherdesses had turned up by now. The first one said: "You think we'd find ourselves somewhere better than another effing stable. I thought this was supposed to be an event. If I'd known it was going to be this downmarket I'd have worn me big pants." "Me too," said the second. "I'd have worn pants," said the third.

"It was those three queens and their grand ideas of a "Barn Conversion" .....Anything to get a chance to be on sodding Changing Rooms", sniffed the second shepherdess.

..as brave Macbeth, well he did trot behind them with bucket and shovel, for to gather yon brown treasure with which to nourish t'missus's roses.....Out damn spot I say.......bloody dog's a right nuisance.

*sound of Handy Joseph hammering in the background*

... but Joseph had to leave. "Oi! Where yo gewin'?" Mary called after him in a soft Brummegem whisper. "I'm gewin' ta Bethlehem," Joseph replied with a degree of irritataion, "For it is written, I 'ave ta gew there to pay the taxi."...

He turned on his heels, winked at the donkey (who was getting a bit tired of Mr Bragg singing 'The Paul Weller'songbook) and stormed out of the doors to a chorus of 'ohh get her'.

"...taxi be buggered," quoth Mary, "yer'll take the bloody donkey like wot normal people does..."

ruff!

protesting donkeys trample gloomily over dog ...

Dog bites nearest ass's ass.....