..Whereupon Primate burst in, complete with machinegun and Rambo-style headscarf. “ARGGH!” He yelled. “BLOODY DONKEYS! I HATE THEM!” With that he sprayed the creatures with hot lead. “RIGHT! NO MORE SODDING DONKEYS - OK?!” He glared around at the ensemble, of whom only the Queens had the grace to look sheepish. “What sort of Nativity IS this anyway?” He turned his attention to Jesus’s two siblings. “You – hop it! There’s a McDonalds ad up for grabs in Studio 4. Piss off to that one – there’s no room for you here.” The babies traipsed off, their placentas trailing despondently between their legs. Primate spun to face Lily Savage. “And you can @!#$ off too!” He snarled as he downed a pint of donkey-blood. Tossing his tankard on the floor he made for the exit. “Remember!” He threw over his shoulder as he left. “I’ll be watching. Be good or else….” The door slammed shut behind him.
..And in the suddenly still air of stable the scent of donkey-blood wafted on the breeze. "Tomorrow is another day." Will Scarlet noted sadly. "Fiddle dee dee...." The discarded banners glinted in the morning sun.
Interior, day.
Jesus: Where's that Billy Bragg? I'm starving!
(Bragg shuffles over)
Bragg: Sorry guvnor, I'm all out of milk.
Jesus: Oh well.
(Jesus crawls over to a donkey corpse and rips off a hunk of meat which he then stuffs in his mouth. His voice comes out muffled and nearly unintelligable)
Jesus: mmmf gjlhjlh ass supper ghhju
Mary: Dont speak with your mouthful dear. And wipe that blood off your chin. You look like a yokel.
Jesus: mnbhy cheeky bint dghhj llh ak jw
(We hear a loud bang as the stable door flies open. It is Herod again, come to slay the saviour.)
Herod: It is I, Herod, and I've come to slay the saviour!
(Told you)
Herod: Shush. It is I Herod, and -
Jesus/Mary: You've done that one!
(Herod closes his eyes as he mentally goes through the scene, muttering as he does so)
Herod:....milk..donkey..yada yada saviour....bollocks. Line?
Bragg: (impatiently) Give him to me or suffer the consequences!
(Bragg turns to face front)
Bragg: I TOLD you he'd mess it up! You should have hired John Lithgow...
Herod: Give him to me or.... what he said...
Mary: Never! He is the fruit of my loins, and well do I love him.
Herod: Then face your doom, inpertinant wench!
(He clicks his fingers and the doors open once more. We hear the rising strains of a plaintive whistle. The tune is 'Speed Bonny Boat')
All (except Herod): NO! NOT ROGER WHITTAKER!
Herod: YES! ROGER WHITTAKER!
(Whittaker is wheeled into the centre stage on a 3 wheeled hay cart pulled by Lionel Blair. We cut back to Mary as the tune becomes deafening. Her face is a picture of agony. She says.....)
"... my ... that was a terrible nightmare ... what a horrid person that Primate is "... she yawns and stretches ... looks fondly over to where the donkeys are munching hay after a long night of getting into role ...
the holy quads are still snoozing dreamily top to tail in the bunk beds joseph knocked up from some left over MDF ...
"joseph?" ... she says sleepily ... "put the kettle on ... there's a dear ..."
... which kind of suited the queens, who had predelictions galore, but were too occupied in finding whatever it was they had been looking for to bother too much about whatever it was they had stumbled across. they just couldn't put their fingers on...
.... but mary doesn't tell joseph of the frisson she experienced while she was dreaming ... "oooh, billy bragg" she murmers to herself ... "there's a man who could make a good honest cupboard ..."
. . . and who could really hang my hinges. I'd live in a New England with him any day."
Joseph comes back with the tea. "This is a bit of a turn-up for the books, ain't it, girl? Four little thumb-suckers to care of and me about to be made redundant and replaced by some ginger-haired sort with a couple of big nail-guns."
Victoria Beckham, when asked for a quote, whined "I'm 'olding on to the Gold, Frankinsence and Myrrh"
"Like HELL she is" muttered the third queen darkly, rattling the newspaper over at Herods condo....
condom dispenser, one of which conveniently located in each of the 23 bedrooms and 48 toilets of his palace. Magically, three cherry-colored condoms appeared in the little display windows on the machine accompanied by a bouncy little chinging and tinkling bell sound, as the dispenser opened up and spilled all of the condoms onto the floor like a slotmachine at jackpot time.
There was a mad rush.....
... it was the desert flying squad with their all new full 360° tilt and swivel christmas candle torchlamps as dvertised up the palace and not available in ANY marketplaces... and the sweeney todd head bod saw the light and he saw that it was pretty neat. and just then, he noticed a rather odd cloud formation just over joseph's head...
of burpy farts from herod as he sat down on a stuffed llama and began watching the gay pharisee troupe's production of something called 'the nativity play'...
and realized it was formed by steam rising from Joseph's ears when it finally dawned upon him that he had been cuckolded. The steam cloud looked a lot like....
. . . for rubber. The three shepherdesses, Kylie, Shass and Winona were at the front of the charge.
"I need protection," yelled Kylie.
"I need security," shouted Shass.
"I need help," screamed Winona.
He bought his grass from a dealer in Streatham, hydroponically home grown it was. Being too young to smoke, he sprinkled it on a pizza, instead of oregano.
statement issued by the Donkey Actors Union ...
"we protest at the cruel and thoughtless use of a moped and a taxi in this production ... we fight for the protection of our members' parts ... and there is little enough work these days without the flouting of tradition in this heartless fashion ...
... many of our member rely on seasonal work such as nativity plays to keep them off the beaches and out of the little straw hats ...
... please reconsider or we may have to take action ..."
Dusty the Donkey
Chair of The DAU
and Founder of the Campaign for Organic Carrots
- some actors may be donkeys but all our donkeys are actors -
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