ABC Nativity ...

. . . in a land just beyond the horizon . . .

a poor carpenter called Joseph was travelling on his moped with his pregnant wife Mary, they were trieing to get to...

.....a man in a hotel licked his finger, turned the page of a book, and sighed at the lack of business....

Joseph dutifully got his ass in gear and trotted off towards....

oops :o)

. . . and three kings without kingdoms sat looking at the situations vacant . . .

..the bookies to bung a tenner on...

. . . meanwhile back at the moped . . .

...verily, alas! Joseph got sidetracked by the sinners, like, 'oo conned 'im into downing the blood of the Speckled Hen in the Gawd Almighty local...

...the petrol had run out so Joseph flagged down a taxi...

lol

where Kenneth Williams just happened to be entertaining some of his friends with his 'dance of the seven veils'...

the taxi driver agreed to give them a lift - for a price. "If she's sick in my car..." he bitched, nodding in Marys direction....

but all the taxis were full.. and there was no room in any of them.

..ooh stop messing about!....

and with that ... the ABC nativity drew to a close ... thank you and goodnight ...

arghhhh

ooops... meanwhile in a parralel universe... the taxi driver agreed to give them a lift - for a price. "If she's sick in my car..." he bitched, nodding in Marys direction....

.... the ghost of a macaw flew by ... it whisperingly squawked ...

The three Queens are progressing well with their barn (why is a barn - what happened to the stables of the inn?) makeover. John Llwellyn Baptist has arrived and he's swanning about with his shirt cuffs a-flutter. "My dears, look at the awful tired colour on the manger. Can't you shoosh it up a bit?" "Push off you velveteened fool, " said the first Queen. "Sling yer hook," said the second. "On yer exercise bike, toe-rag," said the third.

*sound of baby crying behind closed curtain*

" bloomin hippies..."

*audience applauds loudly*

" ooops sorry, wrong people.. I thought you were someone else. I am sorry, anyway what I meant to say was..ahem... God is well-pleased with you Mary and Joseph, you are to give birth to his daughter and you shall call her:

three sheperdesses consulted the equal opportunities act ...

"show us yer crooks" yelled the taxi driver, squealing off in a fog of desert sand.....

the three sheperdesses decided to protest ... there are NO decent womens parts in nativity plays ... there's only bloody mary and even SHE hasnt had ANY fun ... they grumbled ... as they made V signs at the disappearing taxi ... but who to protest to? ... and where? ... they busied themselves making placards ...

"oooh....hark at im'" replied who ever else was in ear shot

" But you are to give birth to Gods daughter Jessie... she will heal the sick and they will call her daughter of the most high, sheperdess of the people." sqawked the mcgaw to the sheperdesses.

The third Queen has latterly been discovered to be none other than Lily Savage, and in true Lily style, she whipped off her stiletto, aimed it Llewelyn Bowlegs' head and yelled: "Foock off yer t.w.a.t, before I rip off yer 'ead an' s.h.i.t in yer neck! ".

"Ooo, get her," said JLB. "The scarlet scouser. Someone ruffled your gusset, sweetie?" Enter Handy Joseph carrying three and a half legged table made out of MDF and silver paper. "Oi! Slappers Anonymous. Look at the state of this. I told you I needed a drawing."

...but ran out of words because most of them had been banned by the political correctness commisar, so ........

"what was that unintelligible squawking?" said one of the sheperdesses as she put the finishing touches to her placard ... "WE DEMAND BETTER WOMENS' PARTS"

Forgotton Mary, meanwhile, awash with breaking holy waters and heaving, panting and groaning in the stable, cried out in veritable agony, "Oi, Joe, you bloody useless chippie, fetch the bleedin' fatted calf, I'm about to deliver unto thee..."

WE MUST ALL PITCH IN AND DO OUR PART OR WE WON'T HAVE A PART TO PITCH IN ....

...egg fried rice and drunken Peking noodles. It's not budging. Let's try something spicy...

The mcaw gave up and flew away. meanwhile the three queens were folowing the star in the sky

meanwhile on the other side of town in an upmarket coffee bar the three queens put down their shopping bags ... they were knackered ... one of the queens' WAP phones trillingly announced there was a incoming message ...

..Joe, a dab hand in a emergency, whipped out his hot, tangy rod and...

It was his interior designer..... "Darling!! I've found the most DIVINE barn on the east side.....you simply MUST pop over"........

...from the Gay and Lesbian Rights Org (.com)... *er, what's a WAP phone?*

... on the way they sang a ditty... we three queens of leyton orient tarts...

Barbara, miffed at Kenneth's untimely demise, decided to open a House of Ill Repute of her own. A woman sadly lacking in the grey matter department however, she had great difficulty deciding on a suitable name for her establshment. It came to her one night as she was on her knees (praying), "Oh Lord," she cried, blinded by the light, "I think I'll call it"...

pricked marys conscience, reminding her that she already gave birth several posts earlier!!!!!!!!!!

... and another small message from sheperdess #1 "insufficient representation of all sectors of society in nativity plays ... protest now!"

... unless of course she is having another making quadruplets and thus may be giving birth to the four riders of the apocalypse ...

The Three Witches from Macbeth got reeeally excited by the thought of the 4 Horsemen - one each and a spare one!

Barbara's Casino Bar and Bordello: Liquor in the Front--Poker in the Rear

the donkeys looked hopeful too ... after all riders would require steeds ... they threw down their "Big Parts for Donkeys" banners and proceeded to get into role ...

unaware of the implications of big donkey parts for the film of the happy occasion