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A few more posts like that, Ari, and I think you'll be lucky to see 20. *jumps on motorised zimmer frame and heads for footie thread in hot pursuit, high dudgeon, and steel tipped slippers*

*glad there are so many footie threads to hide in. Makes plans to sabotage Hoxton's zimmer frame*

There's a good living to be made writing that garbage...

...and it probably beats the hell out of sitting in a office all day...

Leicester is red Stilton is blue Please bear my baby bels My in crowdie is you

Or: 80 today? And you're still here? We need your money, So come on honey, Die now, there's a dear

With Deepest Sympathy Sorry to hear that your loved one has croaked Are you having them planted, pickled, or smoked? A New Baby No more sleep No more sex A twitching pair of nervous wrecks No more Levis No more Gap Huggies Hug while Nappies nap No more Cognac No more scent Work double shifts to pay the rent No more Grass No more High Wet-Ones wet while Pampers dry No more questions No more lies Just jars of Marmite, family size No more Diamond No more Pearl Congratulations – Boy or Girl?

Hox missed his vocation, obviously... For a Treasured Grandmother. Happy birthday, dear ol' Nan Enjoy 'em darlin', while you can. Look on the bright side, at 84, There ain't gonna be that many more.

You've carried my child and how fulfilled I feel and happy! I send this card for it's the thought which counts and wish you luck and joy each time you change a nappy!

I"M SORRY I was tired, in a hurry, Didn't see your little bunnie The car just lost control. It was windy, it was wet When I ran over your little pet I don't know how to console. I'll send flowers with this card Cause I know it must be hard As soon as I'm out on parole Until then, here's a thought In replacement I have bought A cute and cuddly litlte mole.

Ho ho ho its your birthdays, greetings from your ever loving clones... It's your birthday! You're growing up! Please use voucher to buy a new girlfriend Darling it's your birthday.... I suppose a shag is out of the question? Birthday Happy It Is (card carries badly drawn picture of Yoda aged 92) *and finally* ...he wasn't sure if a birthday was something to celebrated or ignored, he did once think that by the time he turned 40 who would be rich and happy and have lots of ideas for doing good things. The parsley alwasy seemed greener on the other side of the garden. But wait, what was that sound, was it Julia crying over a broken buttercup...? You are 40 get over it!!!!

Darling, enclosed within this card is something i feel may hit you quite hard a letter from my solicitor, just to say shes leaving you, the house is hers, now youre gonna pay! Best wishes from your loving wife. Hur hur.

For Sven: saunas are hot anthea is blue sweden three argentina two you gave up the birch for the english brick left us in the lurch for a bit of stick (yes I am watchings your alistair mcgowans) vassel is sublime tactics are pesky worse than rhyme please drop heskey also, we are wishing to be cheerings on the cameroon today against the fourspunk der tech nicht's of szermany. did you bribe the saudi's with promises of Audi's to get you closer with goals from Klose I hope you go outs you useless krauts and Rigobert Song (for europe) bids you so schlong thankings you for your indulgencies bjorn

*you open the card and see a tiny 3 inch screen, with the message* Missing operating system, please insert disk and press any key to continue *you then have to buy a keyboard and Microsoft Birthday to load the greeting*

'Another year older, huh? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!'

Don't you mean lilting mole?

80 today we love you still please always remember us (in your will)

I'm 40 this year. What's so big about being 40? Should I take the day off to avoid having to buy people at work drinks? Should I have a party, or hire a function room... NB I have lots of debts. NB2 I spend too much money I don't have on things I don't need to avoid getting depressed. I call it comfort shopping and my house is littered with stuff I just had to have and never use. Frankly I am worried about turning 40, even if I am physically (according to a test done last year) 4 years older than I am in fact. iceman

*wishes she was 'turning 40' again* Sigh. Nah, it's not true - had Youngest Sprog when I was 40 - started my writing career proper when I was 40 - discovered pc's and the net when I was 40 - got rid of lover and decided I was happy on my own at 40...and so on and so forth. 40s a great age to be...even if I still was.

In 21 years time, I'll be 40. *quietly sneaks out of thread to hide in a footie thread where nobody will find her*