More Than A Woman by "Me"
Fri, 2005-08-12 09:24
#1
More Than A Woman by "Me"
http://www.abctales.com/node/543327
Apologies for a moment of self indulgence. I wrote this story recently and was, of course delighted that it was cherried. It was a departure fro me, writing in a different voice, trying to create a character completetly separate from myself and making them feel real.
I don't know if I achieved that realness, if he was a credible narrator. I wondered if anyone had any thoughts on it.
Thanks
Tim
Brooklands
Hey Tim, I really enjoyed your piece, well worth a cherry. I was going to start a thread all about good first lines with your story as a shining example.
I can't get that opening sentence out of my head. It is so utterly grim and dead-pan - made me want to know the character.
I think you do a very good job of sketching a filthy, alcoholic who kind of believes he has it in him to change although he's clearly been an alkie for a while; the details are excellent and his thought processes seem spot-on.
This is great:
I know many smug people put out a glass of water for themselves the night before, in anticipation of a horrendous hangover, but never me. I always have believed that if you’re sober enough to remember to do that, you’ll probably not have a hangover worthy of it.
My only problem was with the plot; I didn't really care much for Clive. He wasn't exactly a stereotype but he seemed somewhat shallow - a kind of angel. Angel's are shallow, I reckon. I was unsure about him giving up his wife and kids etc. I think Clive could work if the stoyr were longer and he was fleshed out a bit more.
The children were great and behaved convincingly. And the ending, although a little flippant, was satisfying.
Nice one mate,
Joe
Brighton Rock
Thanks for that Joe. I came up with the opening line a few weeks ago and said it unexpectedly out loud to some of my friends individually. They all looked slightly aghast and then laughed (which I took as vaguely positive). I had no idea what the rest of the story would be for several weeks.
I sort of agree about Clive. I was going to flesh him out more, but I wanted the story to concentrate more on the narrator. (Also, Clive was divorced and may not have always been an angel, who knows)
Ta again
Tim
markbrown
I like this a lot (it was me that cherried it!).
I really like the idea of clapped out alchy meets gay man, but doesn't realise taht he's gay and that he's in a relationship. He thinks he's a selfless angel, turns out he's just a normal bloke looking for a bit of love.
I've just been reading Joe Orton's diaries, and the kind of mundane details and the whiff of codependancy and absurdity in this piece chimed with that a lot.
If it was me writing it, I would take out some of the more voiceover-y bits of narration, where the narrator is a bit too self-aware for my liking. I'd prefer us to be able to see what was going on, without him being so clear.
I reckon you should definately carry this one further.
Brooklands
Yup, definitely Mark - a well chosen cherry. More of this story please Tim!
Brighton Rock
Cheers Mark. When you say carry it further, how far do you mean? Are you thinking beyond where the story ends? To see what happens to him and Clive, perhaps. Or how the rest of his life changes?
I have thought about continuing it, but wasn't sure which way to turn.
fergal
I liked it. I liked the tone. I liked the way things sort of happened with the main character instigating them, but not really realising it.
Clive being an angel: well, one person's angel is another's person ex-wife, so that is interesting in itself.
You're on a roll Tim.
(I think you could make this a longer piece though - re-reading it, it seems a little rushed maybe?)