After Before - Juliet OC

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Fri, 2006-04-07 17:41

http://www.abctales.com/node/551336/print

Yep - having read this when it was first posted and subsequently reading it again - it is much improved - clearer I mean. An original piece - well written. Before, it was difficult to pinpoint time-scale etc. and now it all falls into place. By the way, the title After Before has much more impact without the comma - good thinking! Love the line:-

".......... I wonder who else's day has been irrevocably damaged - but there is only me."

Guess - in situations like that, we all feel that way.

Thought provoking and cleverly done with the parallel texts Juliet.
ty Tina

Sat, 2006-04-08 19:02

Juliet OC

ty for the flag, I have had another major edit of this - turned it upside down and further clarified timescales. http://www.abctales.com/story/juliet-oc/after-before-0 I would really appreciate some feedback on the third edition. Juliet

Juliet

Sun, 2006-04-09 16:29

Silver Spun Sand

Certainly clearer with the date clarification - except it now reads a bit like extracts from a diary - which in itself is no bad thing. What I was thinking, was you could maybe integrate the diary theme into the story somehow. On the other hand - you may be entirely satisfied with your edit - you've certainly worked hard on it. As I said before - it's your story and a good one too!

Mon, 2006-04-10 11:46

tcook

Worthy of its cherry now! I still think though that there is more work to be done. It gets too bitty. I think the chunks could be larger and there should be an image chain throughout it. There's the wine and the whiskey - maybe you could make some more 'drink' inspired adjectives. After all its central theme is the crazy randomness of misfortune - as if being drunk in the middle of the universe. But it is a good story and it is well told. Keep at it!

Mon, 2006-04-10 12:53

Jingle

What a sad story...I do hope that it's not autoboigraphical; from the amount of detail and the skill in telling the story I could easily believe it was. Either way it is a graphic story about the effect that a major catastrophe can have on the relations of victims as well as the victims themselves and is very well done. You ask for opinions...well I read the earlier version and was struck by it's originality. I think that some of that originality has been lost in the re-write particularly with the introduction of the precision of the dating of each section; it also disrupts the flow rather more than I would like and causes the narrative to assume a somewhat jerky aspect. I think the title belies the emotion in the story, there are so may different emotions well described, not the least of which is the relationship between Paul and the main character. Could that have been developed a little more?...does she love him? is he just s friend? or has he become so close in his support of her and her Nick that he's become just good old Paul? The dialogue I thought was really good as is the style of the piece. I particularly liked the idea of the italics to show the thought processes to the past, which is why I didn't think it the dates were necessary, the two disasters dated the piece and the timescale perfectly. Overall I thougth it a good story, well told, and original in it's presentation. If you intend to look at it again I don't think you should change too much. I enjoyed reading both versions.

Mon, 2006-04-10 15:55

Juliet OC

ty for the cherry and the comments, tony, SSS and jingle. This one tied me in knots and i think i do need to draw it together better, i am still not completly happy. I might try the wine and whisky thread thanks TC - but for now i am going to give it some space so i can come back to it more objectively. Juliet

Juliet

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