Feedback please

Amanda, I found the first few paragraphs a sequentially awkward in "setting the stage." You might want to figure out a better avenue for placing your heroine at the scene.Otherwise, the dialogue and sequence of events were both comfortable and credible. I enjoyed reading them. Your point of view is both credible and entertaining. Keep polishing this piece.It has real potential. J.X.M

I was interested to see how this turned out within a couple of paragraphs. It has a simple style which works well, focusing on telling the story. However, I think it would benefit if the characters had a little more depth. They seem only to do things that fit with their 'type', and the ending is quite predictable. Perhaps, also you could condense the early characters into one, so that there is just the protagonist and one friend, seeing as it is such a short piece. I agree with J that the piece has potential with some polishing. Just a few thoughts, I hope they are of use to you. Chelsey

Here's the link: http://www.abctales.com/node/559183 I found it all just too predictable. It didn't shock or suprise me in any way. I felt sorry for the girl and repulsed by the stereotypical University lecherer. The writing is good but the story doesn't have it, for me. I'd try and write something else - take as a starting point an incident in your life that's really surprised you and develop it. Think of how it could be worked into a different scenario. Imagine how the protagonists felt at the time and try and convey it. You have the ability to write very well, now you have to let your imagination free! Or you could try a story in 200 words - take a look at some of markbrown's recent work here: http://www.abctales.com/node/556843 and see if you can pack so much into such a short space - I think you can!

I think Tony's comment about making it shorter is a good one. See how much of this you can cut out and still have the same story. I don't know if you need the first couple of paragraphs at all. And also the dialogue is very, he said, then she said. In real conversations people don't answer each other specifically all the time - they speak across each other and at tangents. Look at each bit of it and think what is it doing there.

Hi im no writer, Im a reader. Im also a guy, and dont really read this kind of thing, as its clearly for the ladies to read - but I found the story interesting, and quite funny. I hope that proffessor loses his job, the perv (jus kiddin). Youre storytelling is good, it kept me going to the end. Im trying to get my storytelling up to scrach, and seem to have problems with getting itll fluid, like yours is. Anyways, thanks. p.s. Maybe you could review my piece also, its longer than youres (3000words) and the beginning of a fantasy story. mark_daniels (is my name)

And the re-write makes it a lot better. Congratulations!