The Elf and Unicorn

This looks a nice place. What goes on in here? Is it licensed? Can I have a pint of Guinness please. Now who are you Martin t - good to meet you mate. Cheers.

read all about it ... elf and unicorn makes the front page ... tomorrows news will read ... elf and unicorn landlady takes umbrage at upmarket virtual wine bar being referred to as "online pub"

'ere, I do 'ope this is not a bleeding poncy wine bar. I don't 'old wiv all them hoity toity drinks. I like me elbows on a greasy bar, something frothy round me lips and a bag of peanuts. There's a funny horse in here wiv a growth on 'is 'ead. Could someone take me 'ome.

errrr .... *calls bouncer* ... taj get a cab for this person and send them to Ta Chucks ...

Ta, chucks...that sounds more up my street...Ta...chucks...up. Whoopsie. There's that 'orse again, I reckon 'e's got the 'orn. Just like me ol man....cackle...cackle. Thanks sooooo much ivoryfishy person...you's awful sweet.

Righto ma'am. Alright treacle, come 'ear! [Ejects said ruffian] That unpouncy enough for yer!

*catches 'common as muck' and escorts her to the taxi. Turns on bouncer and delivers a spiffing right-hook to his jaw* Take that! You ruffian! Those lessons in Ti-Shu-Lace certainly came in handy! *adjusts cravat, fixes carnation in buttonhole and walks away into the star-bejewelled night*

service is a little slow in here....might as well open my own place.....

Oh the shame - beaten by a genteel, ever-so-slightly-mannered poet. I won't be able to show my face at the National Bouncing Convention in June. I will have my revenge!!!

How extraAudenary! Did you have the same dream as I did, young Taj? I assure you that I am not at all adept at fisticuffs, and even if I were I would certainly not assault a fine fellow contributor. I would, however, request that you treat the ladies on this site a little more gently - even those who are common as muck. *ponders on the power of thought-transference*

It was a woman?!!!!!!

woman ... man ... it makes no difference ... that ruffian sullied the fine name of my drinking establishment ...

Sniff. 'Ow dare you cast nasturtiums on me gender. I is all woman, believe me. Me 'usband said so only the other night, when he was stroking me mustache so hintimately. Taj you ain't a gent. At least that poncy geezer got me in a taxi (well 'e was a randy mini cab driver but 'e meant well). I demand a pology. I is deeply fended. Sniff.

Hobviously, you do not care of the stain on my person. I will have to hamuse myself hat some other estab...est place. I tried that silk 'anky test the other night, the one where you slip it seductively down your equally silky thigh. Bleeding ripped it I did. Instant confetti. I must go. It takes me ages to move me dogs, sweep out the crumbs and put dressing on me sores. I sleep sadly. Knowing Taj doesn't care. Blooming poofter.

So, mythical creatures are welcome here ? I have in mind a certain friend that could arise from the ashes (or jar containing floured and spiced chunks of his body).... Alternatively, I have a pet with the face of a lion and a scorpions tail - Manticorey Culkin !

my ... you ARE early mr. pack ... i haven't got me face on yet ... but please make yourself at home ... and there's a barstool for your mythical pet and all ...

Glad to see you agree with my hardline policing Miss Fish. You know what these writer types are like - give them a drink and they think they're Dylan Thomas. I think we should bar them all.

oh top plan taj .. shall we?

any chance of an early-doors pint, Blodwyn?

Oi hop it Thomas! Or you bet you won't being gently into that good night.

never in my craft or sullen art have i been spoken to like that! if i wasn't dead i'd give you a bible-black eye, sirrah! er....do you serve spirits?

I hope so, otherwise I'll have to take my business elsewhere

Caspar! What a privilege! I've read all your books. Tell me - are you related to Caspar Hauser?

Nein

ivory has just asked me to check the terms of the lease and i am afraid ghosts spooks and spectres contravene ... taj? who you gonna call?

I also have a GNVQ in ghost-busting, which means that I am more than qualified to exorcise. And I should think the ghost of Dylan Thomas should be mighty afraid of the thought of exercise (and sobriety - remember I control the flow of alcohol). As for Casper - a friendly collaring should do the trick. However, before that... [reads from prepared statement] "it has come to my attention that several customers have complained that my bouncing technique is slightly heavy-handed, that my accent has a distrubing tendency to waver between cockney and broad tyke and that I border on the dictatorial. I refer all these complainers to the contract I signed with Miss Bone when I entered her employment: it states, quite clearly, that I, the bouncer at the Elf and Unicorn, have the right to terminate customers with extreme prejudice if I wish". Thank you.

I was in the neighbourhood. Just saw a Noel Coward play and saw this wonderful place. I'll have a Martini, Stirred not shaken. Oh how jolly exciting. I can see a little green man. He was quite rude. I had to use vulgar language. I told him to Elf off.

*bolts door* ... now taj ... *pours taj large shot of sloe gin* ... we have got rid of all those irritating customers ... about your contract ... have you read the small print????

I suppose I'm too late? or do you have an extension Ivoryelf? and if so, do the bricks match?

So, Petrel, once more you indulge in the dangerous game of bricksmatchship!

I used to play for Liverpewl. Comrades.

I am off to Spaghetti-tepee. Nosferatu 2 is there and he may be a bit peckish, he is normally in my neck of the woods

*pockets full of toads and bottled water* bugger. wrong night or wrong venue or something

Small print? [Reads contract] Euugghh, I never promised to do those disgusting things! Does it have to be with the toad? And the unicorn? Surely that's biologically impossible?

No-one is home. Hahahahaa. I shall destroy this toff fest now. *tries to lift bin. He does and just as he is about to throw it Taj pushes him over* Damn bouncers. Hmmm I need a bouncer. You fancy being my bouncer at Spags R' Us, Taj?

Damn. Let cat out of the bag.

Hmm... it's an intriguing offer... but I'm afraid my loyalties lie with Lady Fish (unless you can stump up a suitable bung and she fails to provide the golden handcuffs [don't get ideas; it's a metaphor]).

*whips out handcuffs and gold spray paint* ... taj i cannot believe your loyalties would be compromised by "a suitable bung" ...

I have been instructed to offer you a bung, Mr.Taj. Here is a bung full of spaghetti. Shhhh don't tell anyone. If any of you opera loving toffs are listening, w ehave a special deal on Plato's of pasta

You understand that you are not bribing me; I'm just uncomfortable with the bag on the table [slings it on his shoulder and turns to IFB] I regret to inform you that I have to leave your employment; send my things to Spaghetti Si's [secretly slips her a note as he leaves informing her of his plan to act as a deep cover agent and sabotage the rival establishment].

I am sorry to say this but Taj can no longer work for us. We have found out that a bag of spaghetti is outlawed here so we have to get back that bag of spaghetti. But if Taj wants to work for us then we will have to draw up a contract. A word from Spag Si. " I got your bouncer. Ha this place is going to the dogs now. Woohoo" Thank you for your time

*stands at door of Elf & Unicorn large gin in one hand and small hanky fluttering in the other* take care taj ... you were the best bouncer i ever had ... *turns and goes back in ... wicked smirk on face*

Why fishbone, why? You killed my son with battenburgs! For this you all must die. * Toffs start running as she lifts up spaghetti and starts whipping people with it* Where are you Fishbone? WHERE ARE YOU?

bastards!

*coughs*

sniffing around, a bit dusty in here, wander where everyone's gone.