How to Win Big Brother
The object of Big Brother, it seems to me, is not necessarily to win the show, but to secure the most earnings afterwards by magazine articles, TV appearances and opening supermarkets.
Take this idiot, Lee, for instance. He added nothing to the house, was a complete bore, got voted out early and was immediately offered a job with the Dream Boys - the English equivalent of the Chippendales (now there's an idea, Ralph).
The winner of the show picks up £70,000. Since last year, though, I believe dumb Helen has earned a staggering £250,000. Paul's earned about £40,000, and the rest have earned between £50 and £100K.
Not bad.
So here's my plan. I originally thought that the best thing to do would be to wreck the place. Those bars would come down for starters. But then I thought I'd only last about about four days, which isn't enough time to capture the public's imagination.
So what I'd do is this. I would play none-stop practical jokes. I wouldn't do anything nasty, but I would never let up. You know the type of thing - polystyrene sheets over the toilets etc. I'd plan loads. The other housemates would hate me, but the public would love me, so although I'd get nominated a lot I'd never be voted out. It would make great TV watching everyone else get really pissed off at me.
And when I finally did get voted out, I'd just refuse to leave.
"Karl, please leave the house now."
"No, @!#$ off, come and get me," and I'd go back to bed.
Or better still, when I had that final hour to pack I'd spend all 60 minutes drinking as much booze as I could, so by the time I left I'd be absolutly wasted. Davina wouldn't be able to get a sensible word out of me.
