Is It Okay To Hate One's Parents?

No. But it's an occupational hazard between the ages of 13 and 21.

Hate's a strong word, I frequently dislike my Mother and I'm certain that she often dislikes me. I also sometimes wonder how I managed to give birth to such a hormonal monster as my teenage son, and according to him 'I make his life hell!' But in answer to your question, it depends what they have done.

If you hate your parents, I'd say you're already in a bad enough situation without having to worry about whether it's 'OK' or not on some social/moral level. I'd just go along the lines of 'forgiving them will be less stressful in the long run'.

Hate implies that there is still love there, as the opposite of love isn't hate, but indifference. Maybe the hate comes from the feeling of being unloved? In an ideal world, no-one would *hate* anyone else. Hate has connotations of powerlessness and victimhood; so ideally, everyone would love *themselves* enough to not feel powerless against anyone else, even one's parents, even when one's parents don't love as best they can. But I'm a dreamer. I think it's better to try to find understanding and forgiveness for one's parents. Hate doesn't make anything better, ever. I sometimes feel angry with my mum, and most of the time I feel like the adult in the relationship, which is alarming, but I don't think I've ever hated her. She made the choice to give birth to me and raise me to the best of her ability, and that is blessing enough. The rest has been up to me.

"Hate implies that there is still love there..." Holy crap. I love Will Self.

I find myself agreeing with Jon more each day.

"If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men..." are you normal? jude "Cacoethes scribendi" http://www.judesworld.net

Hate your parents? I find it difficult to muster any hate towards anyone, much less my parents...(well, mother...my father's been gone for a while now, but we got along great when he was around) I think to love somebody, you have to love yourself first. I'd imagine that to hate someone, you'd be pretty much sorry with yourself as well. Visit me http://www.radiodenver.org/

"I think to love somebody, you have to love yourself first." This thread continues to be full of revelations. If this is indeed true, as well as what Archergirl says, then hating someone actually means you love yourself. Great news for everyone!

I thought Archergirl was reciting a John Lennon song.

I doubt Lennon was EVER so short of a topic he was reduced to writing lyrics about our resident egoist.

depends whether your parents have done something really nasty to you like fiddled with your bits or something. I think there are only a very small list of things for which we could slide down the sad hate road with our folks...bless 'em.

Jack, go back and read the second paragraph. You've missed the point entirely. Nothing wrong with having a healthy ego, Missi. I'd rather be self-confident than a nasty, bitter old git whose only pleasure is finding fault with other people.

I found your story here on abc about the death of your father touching and sad. Your comments on this thread fill me with a sense of horror in that I've always assumed that my resentments/ hatred call it what you will, will become manageable when the perpetrator(s) die! But it seems finding resolution doesn't come when the person dies, even if you've been wishing them dead for years. Resentment: Drinking poison and hoping the other person will die.

Jude, that's a very insightful comment! As I said, most hatred comes from a sense of helplessness and victimisation, which in styx's case is certainly a given and understandable. It's hard in such circumstances to remember that people who batter others emotionally or physically are very damaged people and have often been battered themselves, and therefore deserve at least a modicum of compassion, however hard to come by. No-one who is strong and whole could possibly hurt another person or people in such a way. Once you stop punishing yourself for the self-hatred of the batterer, they no longer hold any power whatsoever, and then you are free.

you make it sound easy AG! (good to see ya back btw) Resentments and hatred are powerful. We cling onto them even though they are hurting us because our sense of justified anger is so strong. For myself some resentments are stronger even than my own desire to get well...and ah there's the rub!

I know, Jude; and one can understand *intellectually* that letting go of grievances is the right thing to do, but it often takes YEARS to get to that place emotionally. The heart holds memories that the brain can only dream of...:-)

Re the, 'he only battered because he was battered thing,' if someone was brought up in such a way that they truly believed certain behaviour was normal and acceptable, then that's one thing. Mostly though, the person carrying on the cycle knows the behaviour to be wrong. They have the choice to break the cycle and when they don't - it really pisses the child off. Doubly so in fact, because they think, 'Christ, surely you know how bad this is for me...' Thing is, it's done now - unless there's a cat in hell's chance of getting some sort of apology, I reckon it's best to say, 'sod it, I can't be arsed to bother about this anymore.' It may not be a true sentiment at first - but that attitude feels so good, it may well stick.

You're absolutely right, 2Lou. I guess I'm coming at it from an adult perspective, meaning you can look back on past actions and see that whoever was doing the hurting at the time was not only effed up, but also angry/hurting too. That doesn't excuse their actions or mean that you can suddenly be friends again, but I think finding compassion in one's heart for those who have hurt you is a major step toward self-healing. Jesus' teachings, for example, are all about compassion and forgiveness for those who are hurtful. And you're right about 'practice makes perfect' in terms of attitude toward them! Unfortunately too many people get stuck in a cycle of self-loathing/self-abuse; as Jude said, poison oneself and hope the other person dies.

The same view applies looking back too, though. Fucked up, definitely, but unless they're seeeeeeeeriously tower of Babel type fucked up, then I still feel it's a choice to not break said cycle. At best that choice is down to being either weak willed, selfish or both. I can't really muster compassion for 'weak willed' and 'selfish.' Loud tutting and a bit of eye rolling maybe, but not compassion.

Ha ha! I tend to do both the compassion and holier-than-thou tutting concurrently. I'm working on separating them as the contradiction in terms makes me deeply uncomfortable.

Oh I meant tutting and eye-rolling in frustration really, AG (well, actually, I was just being facetitious but hey ho). I couldn't do the holier-than-thou thing - I'm way too far down the compassion league table.

Erp, I stand corrected, 2Lou! I *did* take it as facetious, but in the holier-than-thou vein! I do too much tutting in that manner, much to my shame, as in: 'well-I-got-over-a-miserable-childhood-so-why-can't-YOU?' Awful attitude. I tend to feel holier-than-thou standing in supermarket queues, too, seeing the kinds of shite other folks feed themselves. I *will* burn in Hell, for sure.

If you admit to your holier-than-thou-ness, then you are holier than those whose holier-than-thou-ness goes unchecked... erm... or something... :-) * P * :-) ( Read my blog! - www.oddcourgette.blogspot.com )

My dad abandoned me before I was born. But I don't hate him. I think it's really hard to hate a parent.

Sweetie, it's not OKAY to hate anything or anybody. It only drags you down. Now, I'm going to assume you are very young and you had a very bad childhood(according to your posts on this thread) so I will be gentle. It's time to let it go. That's all. Just let it go. Because every day you spend hating is a day you lose. It's no more complicated than that. There isn't a shrink in the world who can tell you different. You are on a writing site (such as it is) . Here is where you work those things out. Write about it! Scream into the night about it! Hang onto your soul and become a complete human being through your written word. It's all we have, sometimes. Use it! Love 'D

*You are on a writing site (such as it is) .* *You are wasting your time here Your a wordsmith. Why are you wasting precious time wth ABC? They give you nothing and you are worth so much!!* http://www.abctales.com/node/553886 So, Dylan are we to take it that you don't like it here?

Like it here? Yes. Ive seen a few glimmers of light but Jack is a great writer and half of his stuff has never even been reviewed. I just wanted to let him know there are other places that actually reward your work. I don't see the harm in informing a writer that he's being taken for cheap. If you want to write you have to expand and this (ABC) is not the place to do it. Have you read what all he's written? Nobody here has. It's insane. He's a great writer. Why should he limit himself?

All of Jack's writing has been read at sometime or another and much of it flagged on the discuss writing forum. Although there are comment boxes at the end of the collections you may have noticed that no-one really uses them. What we do, is when we like something enough to comment on it then we flag it up and hopefully then others read it and comment also. jack has to my knowledge been a member for a long time, I think that he is also a member of several other writing sites and has a collection of poems available to buy (try amazon, Jon Stone.)

"All of Jack's writing has been read at sometime or another". . .. Isn't that the saddest thing you've ever heard? The more I peruse this site, the more I see nobody cares about anything in the literary world. Trust me. I'm a published author. Not that that's a big deal, it's just refering to the fact that I've seen great writing and I've seen it reviewed and this is not the place to have that happen. Jack has that 'something extra' the literary world is looking for and he's not being appreciated here. All respect to the site.

Oh, we appreciate him alright. If he's not happy here, believe me, he'll leave of his own volition.

As can you Dylan.

Nuff said. You are who you are. I'll wait to what Jack has to say.

dylan lives in texas. Once realized, I ceased to care. No offense, Mike.

Wow, Abc must be getting popular in Texas. Tyler King Mikepyro and now Dylan. Considering the relatively small number of Americans (yourself and RD excepted) that post on here thats not bad going.

No harm no foul, Foster. (I have to admit that was funny)

Nothing exceptional going on here. Just kids with too much time on their hands and no talent to back it up. Boooooriiing. I'm gone Love D

Jees, that rabbit used to be so laid back - what happened!

Rabbit? :-) * P * :-) ( Read my blog! - www.oddcourgette.blogspot.com )

Magic roundabout peps, the doped up Rabbit.

Ahh! (not as in "Rampant..." then) :-) * P * :-) ( Read my blog! - www.oddcourgette.blogspot.com )

Doped up rabbit? Allegedly. You chaps are always willing to believe the worst about everyone. Just because he carries a guitar, dresses like a hippie and is fond of the odd tambourine...

I think Styx would be flattered/ laugh at being called 'still very young'. Mind you he is a man full of suprises. I was pleasantly suprised when I met Styx, he's nothing that I expected. He comes across as a sofly-spoken, quietly intelligent man but I wouldn't have said 'very young'! (he he he) He doesn't have grey hair though...tis all still full-o-colour!