A Dream Unfolds by Ken shapley

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Mon, 2006-09-11 14:00

Well, I see that 33 people have read the first chaplter of my work, thank you for taking the time. This is my first go at self publishing so I hope it is OK. I would greatly appreciate any feedback from readers. The book itself literally unfolded in a dream which I wrote down and then kept on writing, recalling other lucid dreams and weaving them together into a story. This all happened whilst visiting inlaws in Japan, no doubt being in a country where the collective is more valued than the individual aided the theme of the book to evolve.

http://www.abctales.com/node/555544

Ken Shapley

Tue, 2006-09-12 13:32

archergirl

Hi Ken, Perhaps you could extend the courtesy to other writers on here by reading and commenting on their work, as well...(?) My first comment would be to suggest that you break it down into shorter pieces for online reading; it's very hard on the eyes to read long stories on a screen. I am very interested in the metaphysical subject matter, but there are times when the story veers into cliche': this is a hard thing to spot in one's own work! Try to avoid easy descriptions: 'wizened old man', 'fell to the ground in tears', 'a dam broke', 'luxuriant warmth', that sort of thing. There are other, more powerful ways of *showing* the reader these things without *telling* them all about it. The second part, about Mio, is better 'shown' in some ways than the first part, but it would be more effective if you could decide on a tense and stick with it: present, or past? Writing in present tense is more challenging. I like the phrase 'Tibetan Long Distance Travelling Cats'; was that in your dream? I think the story has a lot of potential, but I'd recommend going back and reworking the *descriptions* of things/places/people: again, *show* us, don't *tell* us. Hope this helps.

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