Confessing an affair... the reasons

I remember coming across this a few years ago. My best friend - an exceedingly attractive man with a lot of charisma - went out with my sister for several years. Eventually they drew apart. Distance didn't help (they eventually lived in different countries for a while) and to be truthful he wasn't measuring up financially to what she expected from her man. An incredibly fickle mistake on her part. Not that he's a millionaire, you understand, but he does have a good job. A responsible position with an execellent company. Promotion - which comes very slowly - practically doubles his salary every time. And he's also proved to be a wonderful husband and father. When he first started going out with his wife-to-be, my sister flew over and had it out with her - even though they were no longer together. The poor girl was young and terrified. She's no longer young and she's no longer terrified and has proved to be a great friend to myself and my wife. I'm Godfather to their first born. However, such was my sister's hatred for this poor girl, that she threatened not to show for our wedding if we invited them. My best friend couldn't attend my wedding. They've met since and behaved cordially to each other. However - and here's the real reason for writing the above - my buddy once slipped up and slept with my sister "for old time's sake." It was my sister's way of having revenge on the other girl. We discussed this in the pub and he was of the opinion that he should fess up to his wife. Rightly or wrongly, I tore into him. "Don't you dare burden your wife with this! You fucked up, now you carry it on your own. You have no right to make her suffer as well. You live with it on your own and don't let your **** ups threaten your marriage." I think he was relieved. Maybe there's nothing wrong with fooling around if it has no consequences and no come backs and nobody else gets hurt. I don't know.

You did right karl...

I don't agree with the term 'fooling around', there's no such thing. Maybe acting like a fool, but the actions are never 'fooling', I never knew a guy or girl that didn't mean it when they got their kit off. Ok, they may have had regrets later but at the time it wasn't 'fooling around'.

His wife will find out one day, I'd want to know so that I can make up my own mind whether to forgive or not.

If you have an affair there's something wrong, either with yourself or the current relationship . Not getting enough attention? or didn't originally intend to get so committed but the other person dragged you into it and this is your way of being assertive. Boredom can cause an affair, in which case admitting it is yet another bit of excitement. The worst thing is the affair could turn out as boring as the partner you're being unfaithful to. I've had a series of relationships but no affairs. If I can't keep the relationship tricky and unpredictable I end it, sometimes in advance. Therefore I've never been in a position to spill the beans. The beans have been spilt to me though and I don't help with the mopping up.

OK head above the parapet time. I confess, I've done it and learned the hard way that there is no such thing as fooling around... A few years ago (six) I had a brief encounter with a 'friend'. The circumstances are not an excuse, but are as follows. My father and my best friend both died very suddenly within the same week. I couldn't cope and my partner couldn't cope with me, so buggered off to Thailand for six weeks. A male friend came over from the US to look after me for a week. During that week the dirty was done but I called it off after a few days and he went home to NY. I never told my partner, I didn't see the point, although I felt terrible for hurting him. Six months later, and after no contact from the 'friend', my partner, my mother, his parents and my employer all received lengthy letters describing in graphic detail what had happened. Obviously it's not just your immediate partner who hurts when things go wrong - this guy was very bitter and that was something I hadn't considered. To be honest, I hadn't considered anyone's feelings but mine. Things were rocky for a while but my partner and I are still together and very happily married now but let it be a caution to anyone with a roving eye - these things always come back and bite you on the ars.e! [%sig%]

Alright- suppose you had an affair and quickly realised you had made a terrible mistake, ended it and tried to be a better person to your other half; but you were still eaten up by living a lie; to the extent where you felt that if they wanted to end things because of it they would be in the right? I am not advocating this - if you have an affair you have two choices imho, you leave or you stay put and end the affair and keep it to yourself. I do think that people only confess to make themselves feel better or to punish themselves. But then I would always go the former route - if you decide to stay with the person, the secret could well eat away at any chance of happiness you might have.

Even though you are responsible for your actions, I can understand why you did it. You needed comfort, somewhere to turn and he left you to fend for yourself. We have to face the fact that sometimes there are mitigating circumstances.

Rachel, I think you should be forgiven and forgive yourself for that one. Sometimes we forget that sex can be about vulnerablity and comfort more than passion. You may have been technically in the wrong, but emotional loyalty is as important as physical loyalty (in my opinion), and in this case your partner let you down by going on holiday when he was most needed; that was one of the reasons why what happened happened. d.beswetherick.

Thanks. It's all very much in the past now. The point I was making is that these things often get found out, whether you decide to 'unburden' yourself or otherwise. I don't think there is ever really an excuse for it - mitigating circumstances or not. But we're all very wise in hindsight.

Rule Number One: Never, Ever, Ever, Ever under any circumstances admit to an affair.

It's too late Liana, it changes everything for ever, no relationship can ever be restored by a confession.

Ok... so a confession is useless... which confirms my suspicion that the only reason that they ARE admitted, is to make the confessor feel better... am i right?

Difficult, Liana; confession is generally seen to be a good thing, but if it's something that has the potential to destroy your relationship I think the confession should be done to God/ a priest/ a counsellor or whoever and not to the wronged person; it's YOUR guilt not theirs and they shouldn't be forced into forgiveness by their dependency. Assuming that you actually love and value the wronged person and are genuinely remorseful, it's a hard, hard lesson in where your priorities lie. [%sig%]

I'd agree with you Li. If the person was unfaithful once & told their partner straight away, then it's probably because they want no secrets. When it's gone on and on, it really is to cleanse their conscience - that or they've been found out

Yes Neil... I am of the same mind. I think that carrying around a burden of guilt about it is the least the person can do... tough doo doo as far as i am concerned... it goes back to what fish said on AJ's sorry thread.. "saying sorry is something people say to make themselves feel better".

Must admit never having done it although had it done to I'm supprised that I'm still not certain. A couple of points to think about for what its worth if one decides on no!! confession and one gos on feeling complacent and happy but suddenly it all blows up in ones face and the one who should have been confessed to said if only you had told me in the first place I could have forgiven you but not now what then, say this because anything is possiable. I also tend to think the truth will always out...

my partner, my mother, his parents and my employer all received lengthy letters describing in graphic detail what had happened. eeeeeeeek eeeeeeeeeeek aaaaaarggggghhhhhhhhh

eeeeeeeeek indeed! Not nice at all. Deserved it though!

Confession was never intended to be confession to the person harmed. Confession to a third party who has no direct interest in the event is usually a good thing, at least for the person unburdening themselves, but confessing to the person harmed will probably only harm them a second time.

Liana, what a horrible topic. But good, good... Should you take the plunge and admit? Hmm..seems like it depends on the relationship. I'd say "no" but then I ended up sleeping in a car once because I couldn't quit pining away for the person who was surely my pheromonic mate...so I said "yes," and slept in the car anyway. I think it's best to ask yourself the question, "Do I still want to be here after I admit this?" Selfish, yes, but it might reveal if you're wondering whether to fess up only because you want a way out. That sounds cynical, doesn't it? But it is kind of true... If it's just guilt making us fess up, I'd definitely say "no." Focus your guilt on things that matter, like being Republican or driving an SUV. Having an affair matters, of course, particularly if you fall in love, but it's a big world...of course you can fall in love with more than one person. I'm drunk...hmm. Just don't split up and live in the same house and have to listen to your mate whisper sweet nothings to a Twink, that's all I can say. Drunk and bitter...but going out tonight! Man, I look good. Twelve pounds lighter and a haircut, though unfortunately I have cigarette breath. Argh. Can't people just love me...sob!...for who...sob!...I am? Pffftttt...

Allen, what's a twink? I agree with you that people make a considered judgement before they confess. If they think their partner will kick them out, they won't fess up because they don't want to be homeless. Depressing subject. Maybe the answer is not to have an affair. If you get to the stage where you're unhappy with yur partner, do the decent thing and end it. Actually, are men or women more likely to have an affair?

I think men and women are equally likely to have an affair. If it is the case that more men have affairs than women, that may just be a question of opportunity. Some people admit affairs because they calculate that they might be forgiven. I've never been in that situation myself, but when I observe friends I note that the person who has one affair will almost certainly go on to have others. Perhaps the deep logic is that if you've been forgiven once then you'll be forgiven again; the second confession will always be easier - the third is a piece of cake. So - this may be a harsh conclusion - the forgiver becomes complicit in the transgression. In principle, the best policy is one strike and you're out, mate. Trouble is that love may come into it, children, living arrangements, finances, and all the rest of the paraphernalia of compromise. Everything goes messy. d.beswetherick.

I don't think there's any logic, deep or otherwise bessy. The bare truth is that people who are prepared to cheat, cheat. And cheat and cheat and cheat and cheat. It's their way of life, a bit life thieves or sex offenders or politicians. (or trolls)

I suspect that TWINK is short for Twinky, a kind of snack food in the US. If you call a person a 'twinky' is means they are insubstantial, of little interest, probably a bit stupid, and certainly nothing more than a snack food with no real benefit.

No one can deserve that.

Exactly, Mr. Thyme.

Thank you JT. I love that word. D Bes, I think you're right. When you forgive the person, do they really appreciate it and you consign yourself to being with some who you'll never fully trust again

I'd like to pick up on something Freda said: "If you have an affair there's something wrong, either with yourself or the current relationship." There's probably "something wrong" with every relationship. If there weren't we'd all live happily ever after in fairy tale land. For the most part, however, the something wrong is of very minor consideration. i.e. she insists on wearing her hair too short, he farts too loudly in the bathroom, she always has her mate round drinking wine, he's useless at decorating, she insists on dragging him round the shops on Saturday, he gets pissed watching the football with his mates, and so on. But these aren't serious issues. Or at least they shouldn't be. Maybe taken all at once they may seem to be. But if the couple are looking together in the same direction (as opposed to looking together at EastEnders), then none of the above necessarily lead to an affair. Affairs don't always happen because something's wrong (Oh oh, I can hear George banging out his reply as I speak). Affairs - or one-night-stands even - often happen because both parties involved fancied something about the other. And that may even be just an air of mystery. Most of us love our houses, yet we all look forward to a nice holiday, staying in a smart hotel, admiring the views, but there's always something comfortable about coming home to where we feel safest, and where we want to stay.

>> Affairs don't always happen because something's wrong << Really Karl? You mean they sometimes happen because couples are SOOOO happy together they want to spread it around? We are all capable of looking at another person and admiring them for whatever reasons and that's normal and quite OK. The bit that causes the problems, and is an indication that something IS wrong is when we do something about it. There is no way I can accept that someone has an extra-marital when they are happy and caring for their regular partner. No one would want to hurt their partner or jeopardise what they have for a fling with a third party unless they either don't really care or they are insane.