salvage

5 posts / 0 new

Topic locked

Sun, 2002-09-15 11:48

salvage

http://www.abctales.com/abcplex/viewstory.cgi?s=27467

ars est celare artem. brilliant. written with understated style and confidence. the author is something of an epigrammatical master (f). like the non-punctuation of the concluding couplet to mirror the logical meaning. like the bipartite narrative - we're learning about a relationship between two people, and the relationship between a craftsman and his art, and the art acts as a bridge and fuses the relationship together.

"could hold such joy" was slightly too 'in your face' for me. could it be softened and made more oblique?

"fret "Do they detract from the design?"
but they're its character, I reflect"

was slightly uncomfortable with the fret/reflect near-rhyme. my first inclination was to remove 'I reflect' altogether. now, i'm not so sure. 'but they're its character,' I say/ feels more right to me, but maybe wrong to you.

top piece, M!

Sun, 2002-09-15 18:37

miss~tree

no, thankyou VERY much for the advice Chant, is MUCH appreciated? It did start off as say but then I worried I had too many "say"s in there, but I had a feeling "reflect" was clunky. That whole bit has been bothering me. And the joy bit, will think about that, too, you are right, I was just feeling extra soppy :0)

Sun, 2002-09-15 22:08

chant

ah. you big softy! didn't check on the number of "say"s in the piece. isn't it the worst thing when you need to use a word really badly but can't, because you've used it too many times already? also as bad; when you know something's wrong, but don't quite know what, or how to fix it. the rest of the stanza felt perfect to me. liked the way the whole of the poem had been fitted together - done with great precision - like viewing the interior of a mechanical clock.

Mon, 2002-09-16 19:44

the countryside...

fed up waiting for this to be cherry-picked.

Thu, 2002-09-19 19:42

miss~tree

good heavens, precise? I can't walk through a door without bumping into it, but thankyou :0)

Topic locked