The Church of Vengeance by fisher

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The Church of Vengeance by fisher

When I first read this I decided against a cherry - it wasn't that original, the writing was clunky, it didn't really hit the spot.

But it stuck with me. It needs improving but it's worth a read now:

http://www.abctales.com/fisher/the_church_of_vengeance

Tell us how it could be better.

Thanks for flagging my story, Tony. I've never really been totally happy with it but something there somewhere makes me want to persevere. Don't know why. I think I was trying to do something interesting with voice. Devastated that it comes over as clunky, but there you are. There is definitely something not working. As for the unoriginality of it, I think I was trying to play with genre expectations. You go and see a mainstream film and there are certain expectations - what's interesting is when they are subverted. So it's a kind of tightrope between rejoicing in the cliche and subverting the cliche. Or something. Obviously it doesn't quite come off. Any help would be appreciated. I personally think the problem is the story can't quite make up its mind what genre it is. Noire or horror or something more pretentious? Notice I'm putting all the blame on the story. Anyhow, I fluctuate between wanting to forget about it and wanting to go back to it, so perhaps there is something there. If you really can see how to make it better I'd really appreciate it. thanks. Roger.
Thanks Nikaya999. Of course it helps. Everything helps. I shall certainly try to get rid of all the repetitions. And make the piece more ambiguous. This whole thing is so subjective though, because I found the rewrite you did, well, a wee bit over-written for my taste. As I say, all this is subjective. I think I should just throw the thing away and rewrite it from scratch, if I can be bothered, that is. I've got a feeling the piece is beyond saving.
Don't chuck it away. It certainly has more than something. My flagging it up was designed to get you to re-work it. If that's not possible at the moment then leave it a couple of months and go back to it then. It certainly has something very memorable about it and I think it deserves more consideration.
I don't want to spoil it for others - so all I will say is I thought there was more to be done with the cook and the child.
Thanks Tony, thanks mykle. Hmm, interesting idea, more with the cook and the child. Thinking about it myself, I think the main problem with the piece is the style. The main character is cynical and detached, so I tried to write it in a cynical and detached style. The problem is it's hard to relate to cynical and detached characters, and it's hard to engage with a cynical and detached style. He does get his come uppance. My other feeling is the story gets better towards the end. The action kicks in - rather than the synopsis-style. Maybe it needs to be a longer piece. Maybe it needs to be,,, wait for it - a novel. I may be running away with myself here. And I don't know if I have the energy to start a novel right now, or the belief in this material to commit to it. But I like the Reverend Reeve character. I think he's worth sticking with. Maybe I should expand it to tell more of his story? Not forgetting the cook and the child. I could develop some multiple POVs. I'm quite into multiple POVs at the moment. At any rate I need to get more inside my characters. And smooth out the clunky prose.
Hello all, brand new here. If you're feeling energetic, I came across a 22-page character questionnaire today. Don't worry, you needn't answer everything; but the more you do, the more you'll learn about them (as usual). I admit I've not read rules of conduct since I'm not planning to misbehave; however, if we're not supposed to post links to elsewhere, I'm sorry for breaking a rule I've not seen yet! But you might want to try this: http://www.madalynreese.com/CharacterQuest.doc
...
Oh, dear, I still can't get the silly thing to behave! I'm not this stupid, really...
Read Soraia Almeida: Apart from her funky - not clunky - name, she writes with such breathless clarity. And no, I don't know her or am I her agent. This could be another thread: Do the English get caught up in the 'language' and try to be clever? As a drummer I would see drummers being clever for the sake of it and it was intensely annoying.

 

That worked fine! and we love links to other places so long as they are interesting! Welcome.
re: bonniesue's character questionnaire. What happens if you have a character who hates filling in forms?
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