"It can be very difficult but if you don't do it then you really are just a naked ape" - that's a bit harsh isn't it Jude? Animal nature is pretty much the most impossible thing to overcome. You can't stop eating, you can't stop sleeping, but that doesn't make you an ape. I know it's different but to say that is to dismiss millions of people as weak when they have just found it too hard to control feelings such as boredom, irritation, lust etc. which are just as natural as hunger, tiredness and so on.
I'm quite pessimistic about marriage. I grew up thinking my parents had the perfect marriage and then they suddenly separated. That didn't put me off marriage, but it made me think 'why carry on if it makes you miserable?' What makes me feel so negative about it is the couples I know who AREN'T separated. Most of the adults I know who are divorced, separated or remarried are infinitely happier than those who have stayed together through thick and thin but bicker constantly. I know few really happy couples, but I can't deny that some marriages work out brilliantly. I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to be one of those people though and I really don't want to get married because of that. When I'm sane and realistic I know that it would be all wrong for me. But I'll probably fall in love and think 'we'll be different, it won't go wrong...' just because that's nicer to think and I'm besotted at the time. And then it will. Which is what happens to so many couples. Everyone gets really defensive when I say that because it's not nice but the way I see it that's how life is now. Maybe I'm too young to understand, I don't know.
I have been married 36 years. You have to work at it; a lot of give and take from both parties.
Itches? Plenty. The grass is always greener... as the saying goes.
Children? Lovely when they are small; they always look up to you and hung on your every word, then come the troublesome teenage years and your hair goes grey overnight as you worry about them. Now that they have grown up and turned out quite sensible I can relax again.
It is I that now defer to their knowledge and wisdom.
Maybe I am reverting to my childhood.
I too thought Jude was a bit harsh. There's a lot of decrying the modern marriage where people give up when it stops being satisfying and there's no doubt that it makes an awful lot of people very miserable, but is it possible that it is better than the position of the 50s and 60s where you stayed with someone no matter what, even if it meant both of you being unhappy for the majority of the one life you actually get to live?
Seven years is actually a pretty long time to put yourself in that sort of relationship with another person day in day out and anyone who makes it that far deserves more than censure. I think if you never try any sort of commitment with another human then yes, you have missed out on one of the most enriching experiences life has, but you can't say that it has to be till death for everyone. Sometimes people change, or worse still, sometimes they don't.
Everyone hopes for the sort of marriage that Tony and Tom have talked about, but by seven years you must have a pretty good idea whether that's going to come off for you or not.
27 years ago tomorrow I promised to love honour, obey, whatever. I keep promises! I agree if my wife had been less than reasonable or rational, or had taken a violent dislike to me along the way,it would have been difficult. I think it's about respecting other people, which as a big thing in life, employment, as well as marriage and can bring peace of mind. I don't always do it well, so it's not been plain sailing. I wish i was perfect, I 'd probably be happy all the time, like ........erm......
G
ah here's my take on marriage, for what it's worth.
married at seventeen, knew it all and was desperate to be loved. SEVEN years later knew hubby was having it orf, couldn't prove it, didn't care.
Met my present hubby, whom I lived with for eight years, vowing never to marry again. Married him (17th anniversary tomorrow) and he can be a right bastard at times, but and here is the punch line I still love him dearly.
So there is no easy answers except that four lettered word: LOVE. It really does make us endure all.
PS have always been an incurable romantic.
PPS I agree about divorce being easy as well, marrriage is but a piece of paper, but love is unmeasurable.
interesting - is there a higher divorce rate for people who get married younger? I got married when I was 29. I had known my wife for 4-5 yrs (slow, yes, OK).G
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