Aphrodite Scar

heya BONZO where r u?

Yes, and you're probably right... I've actually commented on this before on here, with regard to my own writing - I can't slow the pace down because I'm not interested in description. Of anything. The downside of me doing that is exactly your criticism above, it can cause the story to skip and jump around and it's something I definately need to be conscious of. Regardless, this is the longest thing I've written and finished, ever. I have done four short stories before this one (all on abctales) and despite the fact it's still relatively very short (about 5700 words), 'Aprodite Scar' was extremely ambitious by my standards. Thanks for flagging this up and taking the time to comment Drew. Incidentally, all three parts are on abctales. Ben

Ben, I've read parts 2 and 3 now and I loved them. They don't seem to jump around as much. Again there were some really hilarious lines in there and I did like that so many things happened. You have a very distinct and original voice. I don't think you need to change much for it to be brilliant. Can you mail me the whole thing so I can print it off and read it properly? I didn't understand how he had killed his friend with no hands, did I miss it? - I loved that section by the way - meeting in a doctor's, playing chess. In fact the whole thing is packed with really outstanding details. And why did Frank jump out of the window? And I didn't understand what the scar was? Did I miss that too? (Problem is now abc is playing up and I can't access the stories.) One of my favourite short story writers is Arthur Bradford. He too doesn't write descriptions, much, and has similar insane fast paced stories. (My story Troy and Me, was me trying to copy his style.) Anyway read his collection Dogwalker if you can. I'm sure you'd like it. Drew.

That's kind, Drew, thanks very much. No, you don't find out how Omo died, and it's deliberately unclear why Frank jumped out of the window. And the scar is not literally a scar, it's what Noble refers to his pain over losing Eliza as - his Aphrodite Scar. If I explain a little about the motivation of the story, it might make more sense. The story is just that, a story. It was never my intention for anyone to read anything into which is why the following is not explicit, or even implied, really. This is the stuff going through my head when I wrote it: Omo Iyami: represents 'the bad thing that happened'. We all have a regret, or a sadness from our past that lives with us. I didn't want to say how he died because I didn't want it to be too personal to me. Having no hands is representative (not literal) of something personal to me. Frank & prison: After 'bad things', people often blame themselves. Being in prison with Frank is representative of Noble blaiming himself for what happened to Omo (although it wasn't completely his fault, manslaughter, not murder, is implied). People trap themselves with their own self-loathing (Frank). Stan, Dr. Ross & Geogre: The hecklers we all have in our own mind. Our paranioa ("I bought you tea but I always hated you" - paraphrase), our doubt, our nay-sayers. Eliza: The perfect girl Sophie: The good girl that's not good enough Leon: Kind of Noble's opposite. It's not in there, but I think Noble wants to be him a bit. There's other things about him that are relevant to me. Aphrodite Scar: the pain caused by not having that perfect girl once you've known it. Mother / Irene: Not knowing where you've come from. He is closer to Irene than his mother - she told him the truth about his parents. But she ends up crazy so he has nothing. With no 'real' parents he has no past, and without Irene he has no present. Phew! Sorry, didn't intend to do an essay, but there it is. I think the above is why there maybe some issues in terms of how it stands as a story. I wanted to be true to telling a story to other people on one hand, but true to telling a story to myself on the other. It's a balance that's maybe out of my reach at the moment. Drew- I will email you the whole thing tonight. Thanks again Ben One other thing - with the above in mind, Frank jumps as a result of Noble kind of 'beating' him, i.e. talking to Eliza despite his reservations. Unfortunately, as a result of shrugging of his own self-loathing he goes back to prison anyway.

Hmm. The above: Pretentious on my part. Apologies.

No, it's not. It's interesting. I think I write in the same way, starting with an idea, then moving the story away from that, and then moving the story away again. So for example 'Good Grief', is about grief, but the nuts and bolts of the story is about a man collecting body parts and reassembling them. The Curve is also about grief, but the story is about a man measuring a seaside town. The thing is with Omo Iyami you tell the reader the narrator killed him, so of course we want to know.

Only read Chapter One - it was very good. Hardly anything to comment on really. LOved the way elements of what he's done 'leaked out' as the story progressed - that's very engaging. Want to know what it is he's done and where the novel/story is going. I'm hoping something happens either to keep him insude, or he's picked up by some shady charcaters keen to get him involved in an interesting story - Y/N? Maybe more of a 'bang' to start it off. Pace was fine, there are a lot of self-indulgent writers who amaze us with their prose at cost to the story (particularly at the beginning of a story/chapter when they 'are up for it'). Pace is one of the hardest things to master - well it was for an indulgent git like me. You managed to include a lot of detail without making me get impatient for the story to start. The charcaterisation of Sophie was brilliant. Frank was a little off/one dimensional but I get the impression he's a minor charcter. The excellent use of the letter said droves about his situation, that was the highlight for me - a bit heavy-handed getting his mother to wade in as well, though - I thought that a bit unnecsary although I suppose we had to know 'he's on his own'. Probably a little bit too much info for a first chapter but thought provoking and page turning. As for being pretentious, join the fucking club - goes with the territory in my opinion - that and being pompous, which is also a bugger to avoid, as you may have just noticed.

Many thanks for the comments KJ. Originally, I wanted this to be about 20-30k words but it never materialised precisely because I threw too much in too early. It led to a lot of first-chapter tinkering later on which is the cause of what Drew was saying about it being jumpy, and what you've rightly said about too much info. Pacing is something I need to work on a lot. Drew - Can't get into it either now, not sure why. Link is: [%sig%]

hi guys!this is great, but,like u said,it goes around to much. [%sig%]

hey enzo canya benzo.....hoot hoot...Im an OWL....Tuwoot tuweeeeee...