gave you the moon and stars for your birthday

Been away for a while and this is the first piece I read upon my return...and i loved it. Very well written, Juliet. I wonder if you labored over it, or if it poured out quickly??? Whichever, it was a strong piece and it evoked a lot of emotion.

ty guys didn't see this flag - just submitted another version of it - would love to know which you prefer. As for writing it, it has been in my head for days - ever since my mother told me that was what she was getting for my father. The the first version took about 1/2 hour - but i was not completely satisified hence the 2nd attempt. Juliet

I liked the ending of the second version better (only slightly), but I liked the original better on the whole. The second didn't evoke the emotion of the first - it seemed more sterile, but maybe that's what you were going for - not sure. I didn't care for all the i said's and he said's... but the original - I really liked it, Juliet.

ty for your honesty Foster - i think i may go for a combination of the two - taking the end from the second one - which i also feels has more power. the 'i said, you said' were an experiment - so the words not narrator convey the meaning - but i can see how they jar. thanx once again - you given me lots to tinker with. Juliet

I prefered the first one, but one line did stand out from the second,_ "I said nothing, as tears dribbled from my womb, down my legs" I think that line speaks volumes. Lisax

Yes I agree with Harry, and thanks for posting it up - I was too tired last night to think of all the reasons why it was good but it struck me straight away as a great piece of romantic writing; I think I liked that it was basically a silly present but full of meaning, and that the guy therefore inadvertantly destroyed his relationship and romance by being smart and insensitive (we do don't we??). I'd have been reluctant to cherry the alternative version with all the I said-you said interplay and I'm afraid that "tears dribbled from my womb" doesn't do it at all for me - maybe it's meant to be an intense metaphor but it can conjure up alternative images which are rather yukky. First version for me captures it perfectly.

I disagree, the present is accepted by the man as "barren" and the lines quoted suggests an inability to concieve a baby, maybe I'm wrong, but this is how I saw the 2nd version.

Wow! I'm much impressed. Every line carries emotion. I could feel the tention between them. Beautiful! Give it another cherry! Chris

Thanks for such an informed debate - i definetly feel the balance in favour of the first version - but there is so much i like about the second - and yes the womb tears are a reference to being infertile. So here is the combined version: I gave you the moon and stars for Valentine. You furrowed your brow and wrinkled your nose. So proud of my gifts – I could hardly wait for the certificates to plop onto the mat. I named your star ‘Blossom’; do you remember when you used to call me that? I don’t think you do; otherwise I’m sure you wouldn’t have said what you did. Why I had I bought you a dead star? Are we dead? I handed you the slice of the moon that was now yours – you laughed in my face – and said why had I bought you a piece of barren, infertile moonscape? Tears dribbled from my womb, down my legs. I gave you the moon and stars and you tossed them aside like litter. Where I see beauty you see ugly. But we weren’t always so opposite. Do you remember when you bought me a dozen red balloons? We let them go in the pink evening glow and you said, pointing to the highest balloon, a tiny red comma in the sky, I think that ones going to reach the moon, and then turning to me you said, one day I will buy it for you and all the stars to. Do you remember? I sit at the kitchen table and run my hand across the certificates; the white full-stop hangs in its celestial chart. I leave them, side by side, the moon and stars, after all they belong to you. You are in the lounge – I can hear the TV news. You say, is the dinner ready? I say, goodbye – and slip on my coat and shoes.

Juliet, I loved the first, couldn't get through th second (the 'I said/he said' to much). I love this edit as well, I think the ending works better. A couple of typos ( **'s) other than that, perfect! Lisa