Would someone mind giving me constructive critism?

Not normally my genre, but i read it all and have the following comments. Tidy, neat, dialogue realistic enough, quasi-original story, but did not hook me enough. For me, trying to decipher the sound of foreign words and names puts me off. If it is not phonetically apparent, i tend not to remember them. Thats just me though. The thing that did grab me was the ending, but it needed to do so well before then. You could start the story with the ending and then backtrack? All in all, it was well written, but just didn't hit the spot. Sorry!

It's always best to offer constructive criticism to others before requesting it for yourself. You will find that in this community the more you give, the more you get back! Welcome nevertheless!

I thought you did a rather good job in setting the stage, with colorful adjectives and crisp dialogue.Too many deatils can slow a story down,but you had a lot of setting to explain, so they work well here.This is of course the opening scene to a much larger narrative?You have to hint at a destination or goal to give continuity and purpose to the whole.You might want to work in the "Quest" early on as a hook to the readers. I never worry about improbabliity.If you believe in what you are writing, your readers will believe it as well, if they trust you. The names are tongue twisters and will put some off, but they can work if the genre supports them (ethnic identification) On the whole, I think your piece works well, as an intro to a larger tale.Rock and Roll. J.X.M