Torn, lisa-h

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Thu, 2006-06-08 16:28

Torn, lisa-h

http://www.abctales.com/story/lisa-h/torn

This struck me as a strong piece, emotional content, concise -but after initial reaction i wanted to fiddle a bit. i wondered if trimming might make it even more of a stunner:

And poison tainted words (suggest: your viral words)
In the shuffled up and random order ( suggest: and random order

Confused and not healing (cut it?)

enjoyed this poem -thank you lisa - nicky x

Thu, 2006-06-08 17:03

Juliet OC

i do agree LD's suggestions would tighten what is a strong poem, my only other crit is 'not healing' , in nurse speak a wound not healing is said to be breaking or broken down as in "the wound has broken down" meaning it has opened up again, but not sure if the double meaning of "broken down" both physically and mentally would be clear, just a suggestion. Juliet

Juliet

Thu, 2006-06-08 17:09

lisa h

Hi, Glad you liked it, and thanks for the crit, just been in there fiddling around. I changed the 'poison tainted' to venomous. Couldn't cut the 'shuffled up and random order' - was too integral for me. Looked at the 'not healing'. I wanted originally to put 'unhealing and confused' but 'unhealing' isn't a word. I didn't want festering, but I've changed it now into two different lines. Lisa

Thu, 2006-06-08 17:16

lisa h

Sorry eds, been in there again. Done now.

Thu, 2006-06-08 17:27

Foster

Lisa, this is really good and I agree with the changes, except: In the shuffled up and random order With which you fixed her 'With which' doesn't seem to fit. My suggestion (with which you are free to ingnore): In the shuffled up and random way you fixed her Or leave it as is - i'll love it either way. foster.

Thu, 2006-06-08 22:23

lisa h

Foster, Funny thing is, the last edit changed the lines from In a shuffled up and random order When you fixed her Then I put the lines back to the original. I give up! Glad you liked it, had to write it - lot of nasty stuff going on with middle child. Lisa

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