Which books would you never read?

I've never much been one for crime fiction unfortunately. Just never draws me in.

I've just attempted to read the first novel penned by the woman who wrote "Sex and the City." It was given away free with a magazine my girlfriend had bought. It was called "Four Women" or maybe "Four Girls." Since I want to make a living out of writing I thought, "Study this, it's a world-wide bestseller, the sequel's been made into a successful TV series - surely there's something to be learned here. I got as far as page fifteen before I chucked it in the wastebasket. I thought the characters were one dimensional and fascile, it was truly the most awful thing I'd ever read (even worse that "Lord of the Flies). Yet millions of people love it! Can they all be wrong?Should I have been rivited by the tales of these heartless upwardly mobile wannabe yuppies? Is there some sort of grisly postmodern irony present that went right over my pin-sized head? If anyone else has read it help me out here, please!

It's VERY trashy, everyone in it is glamorous and has problems but it's not *that* bad - one of those bathtime easy reads that doesn't add a lot to your life but is a bit of fun. I read it imagining Carrie from Sex in the City was reading it out loud which may have made it more interesting. I do love trashy novels though, so this could explain why I didn't mind it. But if you're making your first forays into trash, try Valley of the Dolls or anything by Olivia Goldsmith (IGNORE the film of 'The First Wives Club' - it was dreadful but the book is brilliant. Hmmm, that gives me an idea for another thread...)

Bridget Jones's Diary. Yuk!

A book for holiday? Try Nuala O'Faolan's 'My Dream of You' or Helen Dunmore's 'The Siege'. Both are meaty, heartfelt and will leave you drifting off into a dreamworld long after you're put them down. Or, if you want a surreal plot with touches of typically anarchic Robbins' humour, try Tom Robbins' 'Jitterbug Perfume'.

i always take purgatorio on holiday, it makes whatever place you go to seem a lot better.

Richardw has a point. You don't necessarily need to go lowbrow on holiday. If Dante does it for you, then long may he reign (it was his 'birthday' on Monday, by the way). In the same way, reading The Siege (Helen Dunmore - starvation in Leningrad) makes the world outside her creation, positively luxurious. However, there are certain depths I can never go to; Archer, Cartland et al. For some reason, I cannot get on with Fay Weldon either. How about a bit of Donne, Richard? Andrew hated The Owl Service but I'm Welsh, we love that sort of mystical tale. Unfortunately, I must also throw any novel by AA Gill into the fire. He's a wonderfully clever, bile-fuelled journalist who makes me laugh. However, why is his longer prose so dire? I must defend Dick Francis; there is a great deal of 'craft' (formula to the cynical, if you must) in his writing. It is lean, tight writing with excellent dialogue, that does not always contain unreadable amounts of horse racing. It is read by people who have read everything and those who read very little. Populist, if you like. We have regular lucky dip sessions at our local library, where you are handed a 'book in a bag' and asked to review it. (I don't get out much). You are forced to read something that you may have turned your pert little nose up at. It's a sobering experience. Even in the very worst of prose, something can usually be gleaned. This post is too long.

Richardw has a point. You don't necessarily need to go lowbrow on holiday. If Dante does it for you, then long may he reign (it was his 'birthday' on Monday, by the way). In the same way, reading The Siege (Helen Dunmore - starvation in Leningrad) makes the world outside her creation, positively luxurious. However, there are certain depths I can never go to; Archer, Cartland et al. For some reason, I cannot get on with Fay Weldon either. How about a bit of Donne, Richard? Andrew hated The Owl Service but I'm Welsh, we love that sort of mystical tale. Unfortunately, I must also throw any novel by AA Gill into the fire. He's a wonderfully clever, bile-fuelled journalist who makes me laugh. However, why is his longer prose so dire? I must defend Dick Francis; there is a great deal of 'craft' (formula to the cynical, if you must) in his writing. It is lean, tight writing with excellent dialogue, that does not always contain unreadable amounts of horse racing. It is read by people who have read everything and those who read very little. Populist, if you like. We have regular lucky dip sessions at our local library, where you are handed a 'book in a bag' and asked to review it. (I don't get out much). You are forced to read something that you may have turned your pert little nose up at. It's a sobering experience. Even in the very worst of prose, something can usually be gleaned. This post is too long.

Actually, as an afterthought, last month l took with me a collection of short stories by new writers, called "wild women" which l got free on the front of a glossy mag. That was just abt perfect for the purpose. Anyone recommend something like that? I leave on Monday, so be quick!! :o)

A great holiday read is the ace book of short stories, 'Girls Night In' - edited by three top 'trash' (meant in a complimentary way) writers - Jessica Adams, Chris Manby and Fiona Walker. It's a great holiday book because: a) It's about 2 inches thick b) It's got writing from loads of different authors, so if you don't like a story you can flick on to another one that you will like (everyone in it from Marian Keyes to Jane Owen, Wendy Holden to Patricia Scanlan) c) You can feel good about yourself 'cos at least £1 from every book sold goes to War Child Liana, I agree entirely about Jilly Cooper being a top read (RE: the TV series, thought the casting wasn't bad - lots of yummy men - but the acting was dreadful) Judith Krantz books are the ultimate holiday read as far as I'm concerned - again, the books are 2 inches thick and they're packed full of glamour and escapism. I do read clever stuff too...

Dearest Emily, By 'clever stuff' I assume you are referring to my seventeen award-winning books of poetry, what?

Oh Emily.....Ive read that collection too, and how l wish l hadnt...in the sense that I loved it, and it would be perfect for the purpose. Its great to read with one eye squinting before sleep...though l do remember a rather odd story about a tax officer and a reptile emporium that was a little on the bizarre side. Re: J. Cooper - I thought the casting was dreadful!! Rupert never looked like the guy that played him in my imagination (simon shepherd wasnt it?) He was MUCH more knee wobbling. Helen the Frigid was about right though....and yeah, the acting was awful.... :o) Anyway, 7.37 is way too early for knee wobbling. Better get on with breakfast...ho hum.

WH, of course I was referring to your poetry - there's a whole shelf of it in the 'clever' category of my local library, so clearly it was the first thing I went for when I was looking for something intelligent :-) Liana, glad you liked Girls Night In. Given we seem to have similar taste in books, here are a few other of my favourites, so you might find a holiday read (if you haven't read all their stuff already): Isobel Wolfe (The Trials of Tiffany Trott, The Making of Minty Malone etc) Cynthia Heimel (columnist rather than novelist - try 'Sex Tips for Girls' - very funny) Fiona Walker Catherine Alliott Jane Green Zoe Barnes Hope this helps - and have an ace holiday Cheers Emily

on holiday i sometimes take along "mack bolan" or tom clancy books. they are a secret passion of mine, along with any books about pirates. but not high tech ones, o no. good old fashioned scurvy pirates

Cheers Emily Cynthia Heimel sounds good! Like a bit of smut and chuckle. Liana

I would never read a book with something reall soppy in it!

Anything by Martin Amis. Anyone who takes himself that seriously deserves to be ignored. Bridget Jones's Diary. Captain Corelli's Mandolin. The Mills and Boon book I read the blurb for when sheltering in Smith's from the rain, which said it was about a fat girl and the unrequited love of her life, who both got stranded on a desert island after a plane crash, and for whom love blossomed as starvation slimmed away those excess pounds...

Someone gave me a Dick Francis once, and I never read it either, for much the same reason. Anything by Jeffrey Archer because he looks so..er...sly that it's hard to imagine he's written anything worth reading (I'm reliably informed that he hasn't, either).

Mills and Boon, any of the 'Sharpe' novels, any book with the author's name in giant, raised, gold writing, any sports-person's 'autobiography', anything that looks like a university text book (still makes me shudder...)

Anything by Trollope or Thomas Hardy. I was a science A Leveller and had to share a common room with many earnest folk, talking in very serious, serious voices about 'Tess' . Anything else by Jane Austen - one was most definitely enough.

i apply the gold lettering thing also, it's a good giveaway that the publishers need you to know that the guy/gal has written 4000 novels, each selling a load of copies. THEREFORE you will read the next 4000, all you need to read is the last name of the guy/gal. also, i would never buy "how to get published" books by people who i have never heard of, a kind of gentle irony that pleases me. i wouldn't read any whodunnit/crime/submarine/horse racing/kneetrembler/fantasy/sci-fi novel. does that leave anything out?

I could never read 'The Elfish Gene' by Richard Dawkins.

Read "Far From the Madding Crowd" - didn't like it either. Still Hardy's poetry is quite good.

Dear Mr W, You have been market-selected by Book-Of-The-Slow-Month-Club to read the Desmond HUGELETTERSINGOLD novel, Who killed the jockey at 50,000 fathoms under the Venusian oceans?

taj, it was hardy and possibly that very novel (i can't remember cos i never actually managed to read it beyond the first chapter, which i think i recall was taken up with a description of a field) which caused me to fail eng lit a-level, along with ted hughes' poetry and my being Too Cool To Do Any Work... delighted to see you and andrew putting the boot in

I had to read Hardy for A-level too:'The Mayor of Casterbridge', and the first chapter was all about him selling his wife. That cheery tone continued throughout the rest of the book, which I can honestly say is the most depressing piece of literature I have ever had the displeasure of reading... not the sort of thing to give emotionally unstable seventeen year olds...

Books you had to read and do exams on are a sure-fire way to put you off them for life. Pride and Prejudice being a case in point for me. I was fortunate that I'd already read Lord of the Flies and made my own mind up before the school tried to put me off by setting essay questions and having us all underline the symbolism in pencil. However, I still loathe Wilfred Owen with a passion to this very day. In the exam I did questions on MacBeth, Lord of the Flies and then tried to blag about two books I hadn't read which were on an alternate syllabus, largely by comparing them to Hamlet, that I knew very well at that time. The other problem with Hardy, is that people insist on saying Far from the Maddening Crowd. Even though I despise the books, it still riles me.

I quite like: whodunnit/crime/submarine/horseracing/kneetrembler/fantasy/sci-fi novels Escapism can be good for you and is nothing to be ashamed of. perhaps I should leave.

Does kneetrembler come in the same category as bosomheaver and heartflutterer?

yes

What about bowelstirrer?

i dont need to read books about bowelstirring, when donner kebabs are extant.

A book that I skimmed on, just because it was necessary for a course I took, was Lord of the Flies. I do not like Lord of the Flies. I do not like the book - any of the pages - any of the lines. I do not like the movie either. I do not like Lord of the Flies. I did get through the thing by using 'Coles Notes' - permissible - and got my marks on the course, but I didn't like the book.

I don't remember the name of the book - Water something ... there's a line I remember in the beginning of it - the boy's father had a book that was entitled HOW TO MOUNT BIRDS I laughed a lot over that one - just loved that title - but I didn't like the book so I didn't go any farther Anybody know the book?

Angela Carter's "The Passion of New Eve" There is absolutley no doubt that tha woman could write. Amazing imagination. But I guarrantee any guy reading that book will feel his unmentionables retreat from whence they came; it is a horrid, yucky book!

Doesn't like Lord of the Flies!!!! *Smears warpaint onto his cheeks* The hunt is on.

shut up about hunting! we need to build a fire! cos without a fire there's no smoke. and without smoke...

I've read all Laurel's books, but none by Hardy, I'm afraid.

HOW TO MOUNT BIRDS Is that by the same publishers as 'The Joy of Sex'? (only askin)

Yes! But , sadly, that too flags by the end