INTIMATE SCENES

he winced as a ruby red nails torn into his flesh...but found he liked the sensation....he moved closer .....and

only to be presented with a long rubber...

was horrified to discover a single crimson nail embedded in his shin.....ignoring the object, he reached over and grabbed her......

...and didn't have a clue what to do next...he reached for his love manual and tried to find some relevant advice........ahhhhhhhh chapter 6, in the poor light he couldn't quite read the heading......but the book dropped to the floor as those damn nails ripped into his shin again...........

doesn't it sound funny underwater though gabrielle? I can see I am never going to live that story down Karl. *exits with red cheeks*

Jackie sighed, that bloody book again! He always did that, just in the middle of foreplay! He would be fumbling around trying to find her favourite places and out would come the book!!! She wouldn't mind so much, but he never seemed to get to page 23...that was where the fun was! Thinking of George Clooney she lay back and waited while he flipped through the pages trying to find...........

rubber. a steadtler. the kind you buy for going back to school and you go to great lengths not to use. because its nice and new and clean and white. and its always someone else who uses it first, isnt it? i mean, they come along one day and make some foul mess on their school jotter, probably drawing a huge love heart with initials in and they just ask to borrow YOUR rubber as if like they couldnt have afforded their OWN rubbers. Bleedin tinks is what i say. They'll be borrowing your shatterproof ruler next and before you know it they'll have moved into your house and toppled you from your place in your mother's heart. Bastards.

a picture illustrating his meat and two veg.

Jackie cringed when she saw that image, she was reminded somehow of chippilatas......closing that damned book and reaching for a beer she noticed something sticking out of his back pocket gasping with fear she said.........

...that's definitely not a gun in your pocket is it ?......Crispin blushed....admitted that it was not a gun, he deftly placed his finger around the long hard object in his pocket and started to pull it out......this is.............

...what you've been dreaming about for so long. I've heard you moaning in your sleep, begging for it, pleading for it, writhing as you imagined it and I knew that if I as ever to truly satisfy you, I had to...

..." she cut him short instead, grabbing the long hard object between her fingers and placing her lips round the cool tip..... Taking in a deep breath, she played "London's Burning" on the shiny new recorder he had so thoughtfully bought for her. "I can think of one more use for this" she said, coyly licking the mouth piece...... "If you lean over thus" (Jackie lay on her stomach) "I think you know the rest..." Crispin nodded knowingly, he took the shiny new recorder and............

began to rap along to London's Burning... doing beatbox noises...

down his microphone... beep bop booom shacka da " I heard you in your dreams begging for a rhapsody. An erotic dancing lovemaking melody. So I'am here to fullfill all your dreams. Gonna make ya Jack to the beat of London's Burning. Fullfill your darkest most secret yearning. I'am MC. Crispin on the case, with my big hard mic and me xtreme bass."

This acid is strong stuff thought Jackie, all about her was swirling hearts erasers and policemen..... Something about Bastards keep repepating it self in her mind..... Those dark passages........ So many faces peering at her through screened walls...... Martin..Dogstar...Fecky...Funkyseagull...Andrea? Who and what were these strange creatures whispering in her ears?? Suddenly.......

I could easily write this 'intimate' stuff as some of you know but I don't........I want to LIVE it!

To stop the embarrassment of people you know reading why not just show it to them? I was having trouble wondering whether to put one of my stories ( Max the . . . . . . .) in my Uni writing portfolio (I was horrified at the thought of someone reading something so dirty). However, i got over it by showing it to my mum. That did the trick. She was appalled though. So, was it a good idea? I'm actually not sure now . . .

(Er...was that a continuation of the erotica, Ginger, or just a general observation?) ...Ma, an avid Barbara Cartland fan, came over all woozy at this dreadful and distrubing discovery that her precious son Ginger, hitherto a model student, was nothing but a scribbler of pernicious pornography. "You'll be the bloody death of me, Ging!" she cried, sinking theatrically onto the pouffe and crumpling the 'manuscript' between trembling paws, "You just wait 'til your Dad get's home and finds out what you've been doing..."

She leapt through those screened walls and out of the comuter screen shocking these strange creatures... " Oh man, what have we done?" said Linsi. " It's alive, we've created a...

but she stopped mid-sentence, it got worse... following Jackie came Alan Titchmarsh and Anne Widdecombe. Martin..Dogstar...Fecky...Funkyseagull...Andrea and Linsi. All looked in pure terror. "What shall we do?" said Martin. "Quick, switch off the computer, before more of them come," said Fecky. Linsis went to switch off the comuter screen when suddenly...

she had a notion to bake some hash brownies and take them round the doors of the pensioners' houses. She got into her pinny when the doorbell rang..."That's funny" she thought, "I don't have a doorbell"... she went to the door. As she opened it, a great gust of wind blew off all her clothes, leaving her stark naked save for a cookie cutter and an oven glove. Standing on the doorstep, somewhat agog, was Tom Baker with his little shiny...

Ging began to feel panic at the thought of his fathers angry vibe. " Please Mum don't say anything I'll do anything you ask.. please.." Ma sat there on the pouffe and contempleted how Ging could rectify the situation, with a slight smile she said...

"...I know! You can use it as bog paper! That'll teach yer to write filth alright!" and she proceeded to demonstrate how it was done...

I just knew that Andrea would get to the bottom of this yarn!

collection of starwars figures...

Feeling as though she was lost in some bizare dream when you go to work and realise you had forgotton to wear your knickers, Linsi chatted about Star Wars...Just then Han Solo walked into the room.....Offering him a hash cake, she quickly remembered her nakedness........she dashed to put on some..................mascara...."Thats better" she thought.....

Just then lightning struck poor Ging and the electrical current carried him out of the building and into the peoples nouse across the road. He was thrown into the upstairs bedroom only to find old Mrs O'toole fully clad in leather spanking her husband. then the lights went off........(defintiely lighting and lightning have their affects....)

*Stop being silly, Missus. I you feel you are incapable of contrubuting to this worthy work of literary genius, go and have yer 'air done or something. This is serious stuff...*

After seeing herself naked in the mirror she suddendly wondered where chewbacca was....Han Solo turned and smiled as he spoke to her, "well chewy may the force be with you....."

*Walks off grizzling and looking for a playmate. Can't get his hair done, they only do children on Fridays*

...he cried, flamboyantly discarding his Star Wars togs to reveal the spotless sarge's uniform hidden beneath. He doffed his blue tit..sorry...helmet and eyed up the naked Linsi lasciviously. Linsi fluttered her clotted spikes and blushed deeply. Han whipped out his solo truncheon...

Ging, whipping out his candle...

Linsi noticed it was one of the new side-handled ones, not the Casco telescopic type which are much easier to conceal. "And just what do you think you're going to do with that?" "Police brutality!" roared Tony Benn in a manner that caused his pipe and dentures to be ejected in a spray of objectional spittle from his....

...lower orifice. Tony, hitherto a confirmed lefty and avid supporter of CND had, like the Taliban, decided the time was ripe to defect. Linsi eyed the protruding trouser snake, still flabbily attached to the newly converted Thatcherite, warily. She'd seen these kind of defections before and was not easily fooled...

...lit it and placed it rather procariously on a pile of toppling books, just then the doorbell rang........ A twitch of the curtains confirmed his worst fears, it was indeed his one o'clock appointment.........

...with Funk The Shrink (not to be confused with Mac The Knife)...

.....Or was she?......................

...throwing caution to the wind, she grabbed the cowering cobra with both sweaty paws and, perspiring profusely, she...

They chatted on the door step for a while as a blazing inferno ate threw his prized collection of....

stamps.

I can't lick this one, he said. It just won't stick anymore. Now I'll have to switch to collecting....

......swung the startled tony benn in a circle, faster and faster......until he was quite dazed. She then placed him on the floor....now he was helpless and linsi had a plan....he watched helpless as she moved closer, her breathing quickened...she perspired (rather attractively as she definitely never sweated).......her soft lips caressed tony.....and then............

Tony exploded into a thousand billion atoms... then returned... but something went wrong when his atomic structure returned.... he was now a woman... Tonio

...tutted rather loudly......then someone whispered in his ear that this might not be such a bad thing after all. Turning to the disembodied voice with renewed vigor he said.....

hair underwear....it's an untapped market, there must be loads out there, I'll get my friends to knit some using their own hair.....now where can i get some really coarse hair....

..."Don't believe a bloody word of it! I've yet to be convinced that menstruation, followed by childbearing, followed by menopause is A Good Thing. I want my sex BACK!!"

but suddenly it started snowing, great lashings of sleet and white icky sticky mush battering down and showering everyone's faces and he thought..." its just like..."

..."Sex?" roared Anne Widdicombe, "Come on, Tony, I'm old enough to remember when you were a man and I wasn't a Catholic and neither of us indulged in that sort of dispicable activity even then. But I think I'd really like to try it now," she added, removing her....

...chastity belt with gay abandon. She leered at Tony as seductively as she was able. Tony who was, unfortunately, on a budget...er...diet, regarded her not inconsiderbale girth with considerable alarm. "Er... but Anne," quoth he, " I think I'll have to talk to Bush about this unexpected change of tactic," and he grabbed the scarlet hotline forthwith...

And it came to pass that Gay Abandon was having none of it For Gay had had a troubled life On account of her unfortunate handle To say nothing of her name... Gay stood up to her full height of four feet seven, unclipped her Dungarees and demanded of all present,"WHAT D"YA THINK OF THESE THEN! HUH?" as she filled her hands with the two most sumptious, robust, rotund and juicy...