but little did they know that the hampers were in fact portals to another dimension, a planet where women ruled and men were little more than sex slaves... Gay's huge and lovely portals had all agog when they clashed together and transported everyone to the planet known as Tittyruleus...
at which point mary whitehouse by a freak act of nature and or god was struck down by a strange and curious disease known as crudity and rubbed her hands with glee at the propsect of joining our crew to Tittyruleus, however... primes by her feed line of 'over my dead body' the current author could not resist tthe pantheistic intrusion and wiped her out just like that. our heraty chums proceeded to step over the smudge that used to be mary and ventured forth... WHOOSH went the rotund hampers... WOAAAAAAAAAAA cried our chums as they splidhed through a worm hole in the space/time continuum and found themselves on Tittyruleus, at the feet of the Great Queen, Germain Thatcher!... Thatcher rose to her size nine (men's) feet and cried out...
Who the hell let you into my purple kingdom, my velvet palace....the queen was not happy, being the only woman on the planet, she had been the only show in town, now this wanton tart whitehouse was competition and thatcher had let herself go....she would have to change the law about compulsory nakedness.....whitehouse was fit, and she would have to make it law that whitehouse could only sleep with women, that would show her.
I'm in the zone, I rock, she said to her self, in a regal like way.....now whitehouse.....come here and worship the queen....
Thrilled that she had not actually been destroyed by the power of dogstar, whitehouse felt a sudden sense of empowerment. In the blinking of a sticky eye she thought to herself "I want this queendom for myself, to give myself to Gay Abanddon and rub our bodies day after baby oiled day, to dance around in skimpy baby dolls and pay homage to Joe Orton HAHAHAHAHAHAHA"... unfortunately, whitehouse realised she had voiced her thoughts aloud. Thatcher belched, scratched her groin and rose to her feet (size 9 / mens). 'WHITEHOUSE!' she bellowed as a very very naughty twinkle crept into her black eye...
When she suddenly realised that the White House was the only place on Earth that hadn't been searched for her long lost lover Osama Big Lingham. She hastily packed a suitcase full of S&M leather accoutrements, fished out her bus pass and headed off to the airport.
...she coughs.....mmmmmm strawberry flavour...she compliments him on his fruit diet.....and stifles the memories of his garlic one......
as she reaches for a paper towell she spots something......oh my god she says, that is ........
.......the last straw!!!!!!!!
Her nice collection of carrier bags that she kept safely in the drawer under the microwave had brocken with the strain....
Tesco bags, Safeways AND (she sobbed with grief) her favourite Marks and Sparks carrier now lay on the kitchen floor
They would have to thrown away now she thought bitterly. You were not supposed to actually use them or remove them from the place beneath the micro, just stuff them in drawer!
The collection was now worthless.......
She opened the fridge and downed a bottle of Lambrusco, staring with watery eyes at the sad mess of plastic bags at her feet.
....now pissed out of her head (carrier bags now cremated) she turned to page four in Social Workers' Readers Wives....
At least she still had that claim to fame....even though the lighting hadnt been all that good, the photographer had used her best angles
An idea struck her alcohol sodden brain..............
if she could get in touch with flash harry the socialist workers readers wives photographer again, she could maybe do a new shoot, something modern, something with...
but the cheap wine played havoc on her brain and insetad she cried WOOHOOO! and smeared herself in peanut butter....
luckily though it was the stuff you buy from happy shopper and the nuts were so crap that it didn't affect her allergy, though it did something else to her which was very strange...
run out into the street naked screaming,' I am not a number, I am a free woman!" She ran into the middle of the road and began jumping up and down, the drivers screeeched their cars and spun off into all directions....
Yep, can't do 'em either - crack up at the thought.
All that humping and grumping and groaning and thrusting and wheezing and gasping. How can anyone take it seriously?
Besides, you have to wash the sheets the next day.
.....Jackie, who was trapped inside this hellish demon that had taken over her body, tried with all her strength to *will* Anne to go into the offie......The Lambrusco was on offer, 89p for a ten litre bottle....... If only she could............
she began to feel her eyes burn red and they fired laser beams out towards the off-license. "No" wailed Jackie who was powerless to do anything. Her body had involutarily metamorposized into Anne Widdecombe, all Jackie could do was watch in horror as the off-license went up in flames. " I will burn down all off-licenses and rid the world of their evil," Anne shouted. Jackie had to get her body back somehow this was terrible.
but suddenly she picked up these strange metallic noises in her head...voices... they said something about threads getting way off topic. "WAIT" she cried. She stood still. The weather changed. It got sultry. Her dress grew moist, clinging to her every nook and cranny. "Nice cranny!" cried two kids on skateboard whooshing past". Ohhhhhhhhh she moaned. "I feel strange.... tatatatatatatouch me..." she began just as a truck pulled up, and a strong dark arm leaned out of the window. The hand...
belonged to a rather long arm of the Law. The burly policeman promised not to prosectue Jackie's indecent exposure and offered and indecent one in exchange.
She pondered for a moment, "Oh ok then but I warn you I can only do.........
it standing up, on account of my lumbago" continued Jackie. To which the policeman in a rather quaint and stereotypical fashion replied, "Can only do WHAT exactly, miss". And Jackie answered... "I can only do..."
I tried not long back, wrote a story with "rude scenes" but then read it a couple of times and wiped all traces of it from abctales......hope no one read it before I deleted it....
"Oh the shame!"
I can get into writing the stuff (ahem) but then imagine someone I know reading them and get all flustered and red faced...... Impossible I'm afraid.....
No can't do it just no where near the talent to express it without making it sound ridiculous, pornographic, incredibly cheesy (as in to read it sounds corny or pathtically cliche not that there is cheese involved) or just making it into a joke. Have never managed to complete a scene, never reaches the climax so to speak.......good job i don't work the same way i write!
... "Gotch!" said David Icke from the rear seat of the police car, "That's what I've been telling the world for years. Now you're on my side, Anne/Jackie, just climb in here with me so that I can study your....
Perhaps we could have an ABC tales - Bad Sex scene competition - you would have to write in all seriousness - tryin g NOT to write badly and see what happens - like the First Line Comp -WHICH I WON!!!!!!!!. Lovely radio - I can use it in the bath.
Can't really do it.. for all the obvious reasons. Mainly, I get so involved with my characters that I want them to have some privacy - not some prurient load of erks (like you lot) gawping at their antics! This isn't a plug - honest - but I reckon most of us feel the same way. If we didn't, why would my spoof "How to write erotica" be my most-read offering?
I've got some in my "People I've Known" section, but they don't really go all the way. In fact, all of them are about sexual mishaps which, looking back years later, I'm able to laugh at. I don't think I could write a red-blooded erotica story, although it would be fun trying.
Read some of Stomy_Petrel's work. His piece "Barbara" is brilliant!
Hey...maybe we could start our very own "bad love scene on this thread!!!! Heeeeehaaaa *evil laugh*
Here goes....
He placed his left hand on her right knee and gently massaged......she sighed with pleasure as her patella dislocated itself and her skin tingled with the crunch and grind of tendons..........
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