Saying Your Name Makes Me Think Of Turnpike Lane - by MikeyH

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Saying Your Name Makes Me Think Of Turnpike Lane - by MikeyH

http://www.abctales.com/story/mikeyh/saying-your-name-makes-me-think-tur...

I really don't flag pieces as much as I should, so here goes.
I love the title - I find titling poems very tricky, and usually go for vague, one-word titles. But a title is your shop window, and it gives you a chance to get a punch in early. So, anyway - I thought the title was great.
I liked the 'screaming scarlet fascias' and 'the happy chink-chink of stacked plates'. The 'helpless onlookers' and the roulette ball image are both really nice too.
Suggestions: you use 'happy' twice in the second stanza, and I don't think the repetition adds anything. I'd cut the second. (plus, does garlic really make a 'haze'?)
I also think you shouldn't repeat the 'saying your name makes me think of turnpike lane' line after the first stanza. It's nice as a framing device but it loses some of its power when used as a mantra. I'd just stick to the minutiae from which Turnpike Lane is created.
Anyway, those are my thoughts.

I hadn't noticed the dual 'happy' in second stanza. The garlic is a glaze as opposed to a haze (now a garlic butter glaze). I have made some amendments now. I thought of the title first and then wrote the poem, which is not how I normally go about it. Thanks for the flag.
Turnpike Lane doesn't the coverage it deserves in modern poetry. Glad to see a contribution towards rectifying this. I'm going to Wood Green on Saturday, for a writing group session in the library.

 

Turnpike Lane deserves coverage. I reckon.
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