Palin Gets First Dibs on Assange's Genitals After Execution.

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Wed, 2011-01-12 18:55

From our "Bleeding Tongues" bureau in London, England.

AmeriLeaks has received new secret US Marine Corp documents indicating that WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange, if extradited to Sweden for rape charges, will be secretly captured in-route by US Marine Corp commando teams and taken to Guantanamo Bay for imprisonment, where he'll face a secret military tribunal.

The US Marine Corp documents also indicate that Assange if found guilty of all counts (and the list of counts is still be compiled), will be taken to Windmill Beach and shot by firing squad. Windmill Beach is a small family beach on the south side of the US Naval Base in Guantanamo, known for a secluded family picnic and snorkeling spot.

After being executed by firing squad, Assange's genitals will be removed using a dull Navy K-Bar knife and sent to Sarah Palin, where she intends to display them in a mason jar on her fireplace mantel. The remainder of Assange's body will be diced up into small cubes, frozen and sent to the members of Congress for freezer storage until the July 4th Congressional picnic, where his remains will be slow cooked over a BBQ smoker and served to homeless children. Assange's hair will be clipped from his body and sent to Santa Wig's Inc, for making fake Santa beards for the members of the Salvation Army.

Calls to the US State Department have not been returned.

Send us your state secrets.
http://www.amerileaks.org/

Thu, 2011-01-13 09:31

Mangone

Seems a little unlikely RD. I’d heard that Palin had a meeting with a group of do-gooders that had recently blown into Kansas from Rainbow County. Their leader, know only as Dorothy, had begged Palin to help her. However Dorothy had been too shy to explain why and it was left to a Mayor Scarecrow to revealed the sensitive nature of Dorothy’s plight. The word is that the Wizard Of Oz ( probably better known to you as Julian Assange) has a slight ’peccadillo’ that prevents him from performing properly if his partner is not wearing red, ruby slippers... or if he is wearing ruby red condoms. A Mr Leo, leader of a bunch of punk midgets called the Lollipop gang, asserted that he had seen Assange steal Dorothy’s slippers last time he was over in Rainbow. Asked why he hadn’t tried to stop Assange Mr Leo replied “I was ready to marmalise him. Put ‘em up! Put ‘em up! I shouted but he ran off.” It is rumoured that Palin has promised to ‘get him in her cross hairs’ as soon as possible… but only after she has found the slippers. It wasn’t immediately clear exactly what she meant and some believe she needs the slippers to ensure a magical performance from the Wizard while others believe she just wants to make sure that her trophy is fully erect before she blows it off!

Thu, 2011-01-13 14:44

chuck

Speaking as a member of the liberal elite I feel I have a duty to spell properly. We are victims who have been unfairly targeted by the media. But do we retreat? Hell no. We reload. We keep grammar in the crosshairs. Our fingers are on the trigger. Lock and load you betcha. If Sarah becomes president I believe spelling can only improve across this great nation. It's a miracle!!!

Thu, 2011-01-13 23:55

Highhat

I heard that Assange has testamented his body to science and that he isn't planning on dying in the near future. Nobody will get a fraction of him least of all his genitals. If Sarah Palin wants genitals, which she probably does as her husband doesn't have any, then she will have to look elsewhere!!

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